Not sure if I truly believe in a New Years resolution but if I did I guess this is how it would go.
Like every year I want my photography to keep growing. This year in 2011 I have made strides to increase sales for 2012 (including adding multiple locations where I could shoot). I had 3 location shoots the past few months and next year I plan to go full on with it.
Another one would have to be getting new headshots. Now that my hair is much longer than it ever was before I have to get them done. But doing them myself has been quite crazy as I need someone behind the camera to focus. Soon, I plan to get this done.
And that's it. Oh and World Peace!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Photography is Bump'n
A few days ago I decided to make my own photography banner to advertise. LACasting has been updating my photos for me but sometimes I wonder if I put them to work too much by switching out photos and telling them what I wanted.
That was Friday. Since then I have booked 7 appointments in 2 days (all wanting to get in as soon as possible). And this is November which is normally my slow month.
I know it is too early to say but if this keeps up I will need to get a bigger studio.... and an assistant. Seriously though, I am very happy with the calls coming in but I am even happier with their reactions when they leave. They all say that they can't believe how patient I was and how I made them feel very at ease to get a natural smile or look from them. Not to mention how great I was working with their kids. Those kind of things make me feel very good about what I do.
As of today November 14th, I have surpassed my total from all of last year. Hopefully the trend will continue for 2012.
That was Friday. Since then I have booked 7 appointments in 2 days (all wanting to get in as soon as possible). And this is November which is normally my slow month.
I know it is too early to say but if this keeps up I will need to get a bigger studio.... and an assistant. Seriously though, I am very happy with the calls coming in but I am even happier with their reactions when they leave. They all say that they can't believe how patient I was and how I made them feel very at ease to get a natural smile or look from them. Not to mention how great I was working with their kids. Those kind of things make me feel very good about what I do.
As of today November 14th, I have surpassed my total from all of last year. Hopefully the trend will continue for 2012.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
My Left Foot
Shortly after returning from China about 5 weeks ago I woke up to a sharp pain in my left big toe. Initially I thought I twisted it somehow in my sleep and started to ice it down. But over the course of the next few days it got progressively worse with swelling. I started to do some research on the internet and came up with gout as the possible cause.
Immediately I started watching my caffeine intake and drink baking soda water and Apple Cidar vinegar. I also had to take ibuprofen every night before I went to bed otherwise I would wake up to a rude awakening. Two weeks go by and no change for the better. However I did start feeling lower back pain that eventually went to my neck. Okay now I am getting really frustrated. Not only can I not walk very well but I can't bend over or turn my head. Solution: more ibprofen. Not to mention my mom worried me about having diabeties. Thanks mom for that one. Also, I kept getting conflicting information from the internet as well from it being a nerve disorder to a sprain toe and even HIV. DUDE!!!!!
Finally I had enough. Last friday I checked around for a cheap doctor to go to (since I do not have insurance) and stumbled upon a practice for media, television and the arts. They asked if I had a SAG card and low and behold I did. They got me in immediately and ran tests with my blood and took xrays... all for only $25. I know!!!!!
Yesterday I get the news that everything is normal. Good to know that I do not have any life threatening disease but not good in the fact that I am back to square one. I did do some more research and found that even though it may not show up on an xray or blood sample that gout could still be present. So the past 2 days I have tried to drink as much water as possible in hopes of flushing this thing out.
I think I feel better but I won't know for sure until I am able to wake up in the morning without having to take ibuprofen the night before. I plan on waiting a few days before I try that again.
I am just hoping this thing gets resolved before Hawaii at the end of the month.
Immediately I started watching my caffeine intake and drink baking soda water and Apple Cidar vinegar. I also had to take ibuprofen every night before I went to bed otherwise I would wake up to a rude awakening. Two weeks go by and no change for the better. However I did start feeling lower back pain that eventually went to my neck. Okay now I am getting really frustrated. Not only can I not walk very well but I can't bend over or turn my head. Solution: more ibprofen. Not to mention my mom worried me about having diabeties. Thanks mom for that one. Also, I kept getting conflicting information from the internet as well from it being a nerve disorder to a sprain toe and even HIV. DUDE!!!!!
Finally I had enough. Last friday I checked around for a cheap doctor to go to (since I do not have insurance) and stumbled upon a practice for media, television and the arts. They asked if I had a SAG card and low and behold I did. They got me in immediately and ran tests with my blood and took xrays... all for only $25. I know!!!!!
Yesterday I get the news that everything is normal. Good to know that I do not have any life threatening disease but not good in the fact that I am back to square one. I did do some more research and found that even though it may not show up on an xray or blood sample that gout could still be present. So the past 2 days I have tried to drink as much water as possible in hopes of flushing this thing out.
I think I feel better but I won't know for sure until I am able to wake up in the morning without having to take ibuprofen the night before. I plan on waiting a few days before I try that again.
I am just hoping this thing gets resolved before Hawaii at the end of the month.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Afraid of Loss
I have always been a guarded person. Growing up I had an attitude that I was not going to allow anyone get to me so I use to pre-plan in my head scenarios that I would encounter so when I did encounter that I already knew how to handle myself. The price I paid for doing that was I never really let anyone in.
Now I know I touched on this in a previous blog but this leads me to an interesting conclusion: that I am actually afraid of loss. I have learned to not grow attached to things whether it be belongings, lifestyle or even people. When I find something that I really start to care about I tend to brush it off as if it was gone tomorrow then so be it.
My immediate family (wife and kids) are truly the only thing that I really care very deeply about. If anything were to happen to anyone of them I don't know how I would react. But when it comes to everything else... ehhhh!
When I was a kid I use to love cats. I had one named Sissy. When I was in 10th grade I hurt my knee enough where I had to put some icy-hot on it. Sissy came by and started licking it off my knee and not a minute later she was rolling on the ground like it was catnip. Ever since then she was my cat. When I left for college my parents gave it up without me knowing. Now I never cried or anything like that but every pet I have owned since then I have compared to Sissy and none of them have measured up. I actually started to develope an "I don't care" attitude with animals after that.
When people are concerned I feel I act similar. I am quick to make friends because of my open and playful attitude but as soon as I feel crossed in some way then I discard them. I do this because of the fear of giving myself up to something that could eventually hurt me. I guess that is why I hate hospitals and funerals and refuse to go to them if I can avoid it.
It's good to feel this way about material things though. I had no problem giving up my smart phone when they wanted to rape me for extra charges. I also have no problem with uprooting myself and moving at any time. I would actually give up most of the things in my place if needed without even blinking.
Will this be something that I always carry around with me for the rest of my life? I have no idea how to answer that. A part of me doesn't want to change at all but sometimes I feel I need to for the sake of others around me.
Now I know I touched on this in a previous blog but this leads me to an interesting conclusion: that I am actually afraid of loss. I have learned to not grow attached to things whether it be belongings, lifestyle or even people. When I find something that I really start to care about I tend to brush it off as if it was gone tomorrow then so be it.
My immediate family (wife and kids) are truly the only thing that I really care very deeply about. If anything were to happen to anyone of them I don't know how I would react. But when it comes to everything else... ehhhh!
When I was a kid I use to love cats. I had one named Sissy. When I was in 10th grade I hurt my knee enough where I had to put some icy-hot on it. Sissy came by and started licking it off my knee and not a minute later she was rolling on the ground like it was catnip. Ever since then she was my cat. When I left for college my parents gave it up without me knowing. Now I never cried or anything like that but every pet I have owned since then I have compared to Sissy and none of them have measured up. I actually started to develope an "I don't care" attitude with animals after that.
When people are concerned I feel I act similar. I am quick to make friends because of my open and playful attitude but as soon as I feel crossed in some way then I discard them. I do this because of the fear of giving myself up to something that could eventually hurt me. I guess that is why I hate hospitals and funerals and refuse to go to them if I can avoid it.
It's good to feel this way about material things though. I had no problem giving up my smart phone when they wanted to rape me for extra charges. I also have no problem with uprooting myself and moving at any time. I would actually give up most of the things in my place if needed without even blinking.
Will this be something that I always carry around with me for the rest of my life? I have no idea how to answer that. A part of me doesn't want to change at all but sometimes I feel I need to for the sake of others around me.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I'm An Egotistical Sonofab.....
Okay, so the title might be a little harsh, but it's true to a point.
I came to the realization today (I know out of nowhere) that I am so focused on what I am doing that I fail to engage when others tell me what is going on with them. I guess it hit me when I noticed my daughters tv on at 12:30am. As soon as I opened the door she quickly acted like she was sleeping. My first instinct was to just turn the tv off and tell her that I knew she was awake and no tv. After closing the door I thought, "Why didn't I show more concern and just ask her if everything was okay?" I mean it was Saturday night so no school tomorrow and perhaps she couldn't sleep for some reason.
That got the noggin' a joggin' and the more I thought of it the more I realized how true it was... that I am focused on myself. I thought back to when I would be in a conversation with others and instead of acknowledging them and asking more questions I tend to have my own story on the subject. That means I was thinking of my story when they were talking to me and most likely I wasn't listening all the way.
This saddens me to a point because I really don't want to be this person at all. I could blame my acting background and photographers nature or memememememe attitude but why? This is definitely something I can and most likely will try to change now that I am aware. The main thing is I have to change for the benefit of the other people around me and not for them to notice I am changing. Otherwise it would be about me again.
I came to the realization today (I know out of nowhere) that I am so focused on what I am doing that I fail to engage when others tell me what is going on with them. I guess it hit me when I noticed my daughters tv on at 12:30am. As soon as I opened the door she quickly acted like she was sleeping. My first instinct was to just turn the tv off and tell her that I knew she was awake and no tv. After closing the door I thought, "Why didn't I show more concern and just ask her if everything was okay?" I mean it was Saturday night so no school tomorrow and perhaps she couldn't sleep for some reason.
That got the noggin' a joggin' and the more I thought of it the more I realized how true it was... that I am focused on myself. I thought back to when I would be in a conversation with others and instead of acknowledging them and asking more questions I tend to have my own story on the subject. That means I was thinking of my story when they were talking to me and most likely I wasn't listening all the way.
This saddens me to a point because I really don't want to be this person at all. I could blame my acting background and photographers nature or memememememe attitude but why? This is definitely something I can and most likely will try to change now that I am aware. The main thing is I have to change for the benefit of the other people around me and not for them to notice I am changing. Otherwise it would be about me again.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Should Funerals Be Extinct?
Something that has bothered me recently and I never quite understood the reasoning behind it. Funerals
Why do we continue to spend money on these? Now I am not talking about a gathering of people coming to mourn a loss, I mean the whole shabang. Why a coffin, why dress up in black, why have a priest involved?
I know tradition has been this way for a while now, but is it really necessary anymore?
When I pass away I could really care less what happens to my body. I feel it's a vessel of some sort anyhow. Why keep it intact and bury it for any reason? The only reason I can think of is to keep funeral homes employed. Seriously though, why not just burn the body completely. Then afterwards if you want a marker (or a type of monument if you will) to remember them by then so be it... but do we really need to know that their body is underground rotting away?
Life is full of useless crap that unfortunately are around because people buy into it. "It's tradition so we have to do it this way" Really? You HAVE TO! Are you scared that the person is going to haunt you the rest of YOUR life if you don't spend over $10,000 on a funeral?
While we are on the subject I guess you can put Weddings in that category as well. I mean how much do we REALLY need to spend? What is the value of love? For me, the value of love is not money but time spent. It doesn't matter if you spent $50,000 or $50 on a wedding as long as you know you are with the one you love.
If you were to tell me that weddings cost money because it helps keep that couple together well the divorce rate is over 50% and constantly rising. So that theory is out the window. I bet you the success rate of a couple who gets married at a courthouse is actually higher than a formal wedding anyhow. I'm not sure of that but I have a hunch.
And the diamond ring.... seriously! Now I know... I have one of those and so does my wife, but why a diamond? And why is it that the resale value of that ring is about 90% less than what it originally sold for. Shouldn't it be like gold and increase in value? Again, another marketing ploy by the powers that be to get you to buy crap that is not needed.
Why do we continue to spend money on these? Now I am not talking about a gathering of people coming to mourn a loss, I mean the whole shabang. Why a coffin, why dress up in black, why have a priest involved?
I know tradition has been this way for a while now, but is it really necessary anymore?
When I pass away I could really care less what happens to my body. I feel it's a vessel of some sort anyhow. Why keep it intact and bury it for any reason? The only reason I can think of is to keep funeral homes employed. Seriously though, why not just burn the body completely. Then afterwards if you want a marker (or a type of monument if you will) to remember them by then so be it... but do we really need to know that their body is underground rotting away?
Life is full of useless crap that unfortunately are around because people buy into it. "It's tradition so we have to do it this way" Really? You HAVE TO! Are you scared that the person is going to haunt you the rest of YOUR life if you don't spend over $10,000 on a funeral?
While we are on the subject I guess you can put Weddings in that category as well. I mean how much do we REALLY need to spend? What is the value of love? For me, the value of love is not money but time spent. It doesn't matter if you spent $50,000 or $50 on a wedding as long as you know you are with the one you love.
If you were to tell me that weddings cost money because it helps keep that couple together well the divorce rate is over 50% and constantly rising. So that theory is out the window. I bet you the success rate of a couple who gets married at a courthouse is actually higher than a formal wedding anyhow. I'm not sure of that but I have a hunch.
And the diamond ring.... seriously! Now I know... I have one of those and so does my wife, but why a diamond? And why is it that the resale value of that ring is about 90% less than what it originally sold for. Shouldn't it be like gold and increase in value? Again, another marketing ploy by the powers that be to get you to buy crap that is not needed.
Casey Anthony Part 2
I hate to expand on this trial thing but after watching HLN for the past 2 days I am laughing my ass off at the stupidity that they are spreading. They remind me more of TMZ than a news channel lately.
#1- Constant photos of Caylee running almost the entire program. The only reason I can gather is to spur up more hatred towards the NOT GUILTY verdict. It's so sad the bias that has been spewed about this case since day 1.
#2- Jumping on the defense team for "celebrating their victory". Are you kidding me? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being happy with a NOT GUILTY verdict that could have spelled death. All they keep saying is "Why are they celebrating when a little girl is still dead". Well, it's been 3 years. It's not like it happened last week.
#3- Analyzing her hair and look on her sentencing date. What is this about, seriously? Did she come in looking like a hooker or even Paris Hilton? They are also pointing out all the simple facial expressions she made while in court and wondering if THAT is the real Casey.
It amazes me how much people are reaching to continue to bash her because they feel that justice failed. It is outright pathetic the complete hatred that has been bestowed upon her for every single move that she makes. Funny thing is that is someone was to shoot her tomorrow most of the people in this country would say she deserved it.
#4- She served 3 years in jail already. What are people talking about her getting away with anything?
I don't really blame the people that much because most are mindless zombies without their own opinion anyhow. You need proof- just look at cars on the freeway the next time you drive. People will coast down the road following the person in front of them without even considering other possibilities (no matter how slow the person in front is going). You see a car in the front line going 5 miles UNDER the speed limit and suddenly there are 5 to 10 cars behind him not even looking to pass. ZOMBIES!!!!!!
The actual blame falls on the media for taking advantage of the stupid people that will follow anything you throw at them. It's quite pathetic. As far as our society has come over the centuries, one thing remains the same. Human emotion has and will always be the downfall of this world. It's technically not the emotion that is bad but the lack of control over it.
In all seriousness I could give a damn about this verdict. If she was found guilty then she goes away for perhaps life. I didn't even know anyone anyhow. This didn't happen next door to me or to a family member. It happened across the country so I have nothing invested in this. That goes for 99.9% of the population out there as well. And don't tell me this hits home because of a little girl because if this happened in China hardly anyone would give one shit about it. They would have had a 30 second blurb about it then gone. If the media never jumped on this story at the beginning then this story would have fallen by the wayside within minutes. Strange thing is there are crazy ass people out there that have killed numerous amounts of people (including kids) in jail right now that you have heard nothing about.
But then again... maybe it's just me. And if it is then perhaps you would label me as a psychopath for thinking the way I do. If that's the case I say bring it. I will never sacrafice my views for defending another individual. It's the people that judge others harshly that are the real problem with this world. You want an open heart.... it starts with an open mind.
#1- Constant photos of Caylee running almost the entire program. The only reason I can gather is to spur up more hatred towards the NOT GUILTY verdict. It's so sad the bias that has been spewed about this case since day 1.
#2- Jumping on the defense team for "celebrating their victory". Are you kidding me? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being happy with a NOT GUILTY verdict that could have spelled death. All they keep saying is "Why are they celebrating when a little girl is still dead". Well, it's been 3 years. It's not like it happened last week.
#3- Analyzing her hair and look on her sentencing date. What is this about, seriously? Did she come in looking like a hooker or even Paris Hilton? They are also pointing out all the simple facial expressions she made while in court and wondering if THAT is the real Casey.
It amazes me how much people are reaching to continue to bash her because they feel that justice failed. It is outright pathetic the complete hatred that has been bestowed upon her for every single move that she makes. Funny thing is that is someone was to shoot her tomorrow most of the people in this country would say she deserved it.
#4- She served 3 years in jail already. What are people talking about her getting away with anything?
I don't really blame the people that much because most are mindless zombies without their own opinion anyhow. You need proof- just look at cars on the freeway the next time you drive. People will coast down the road following the person in front of them without even considering other possibilities (no matter how slow the person in front is going). You see a car in the front line going 5 miles UNDER the speed limit and suddenly there are 5 to 10 cars behind him not even looking to pass. ZOMBIES!!!!!!
The actual blame falls on the media for taking advantage of the stupid people that will follow anything you throw at them. It's quite pathetic. As far as our society has come over the centuries, one thing remains the same. Human emotion has and will always be the downfall of this world. It's technically not the emotion that is bad but the lack of control over it.
In all seriousness I could give a damn about this verdict. If she was found guilty then she goes away for perhaps life. I didn't even know anyone anyhow. This didn't happen next door to me or to a family member. It happened across the country so I have nothing invested in this. That goes for 99.9% of the population out there as well. And don't tell me this hits home because of a little girl because if this happened in China hardly anyone would give one shit about it. They would have had a 30 second blurb about it then gone. If the media never jumped on this story at the beginning then this story would have fallen by the wayside within minutes. Strange thing is there are crazy ass people out there that have killed numerous amounts of people (including kids) in jail right now that you have heard nothing about.
But then again... maybe it's just me. And if it is then perhaps you would label me as a psychopath for thinking the way I do. If that's the case I say bring it. I will never sacrafice my views for defending another individual. It's the people that judge others harshly that are the real problem with this world. You want an open heart.... it starts with an open mind.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Casey Anthony trial... Good for her
I don't usually comment on issues like this because frankly what's the point. People will have their opinions but who here actually knows her? How many people in the world have seen all the evidence and have an unbiased opintion? Not very many.
It cracks me up when programs like Nancy Grace keep having people on her show call in and almost in tears like they have anything invested in this trial. Saying things like "I know she's guilty" and "Why were they celebrating their victory when a little girl is dead?" and "She's a psychopath and she will kill again" WTF!!!!
Seriously, she was in prison for 3 years already. If I was in prison for any amount of time and got a not guilty plea I would be dancing on the courtroom table. I wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else thought. She had 3 years to mourn the loss of her daughter.
The fact is she was found NOT GUILTY. Like it or not it's over. She still was in jail for 3 years, she still has to live with the loss of her daughter, and her family still has the legal bill to pay. All in all, regardless if she gets money for a movie deal she is still NOT GUILTY!
People in this world love to place blame on people before knowing the facts. Then they claim they know the person is guilty because it doesn't make sense. Since when are you guilty because things don't add up. That's what the courtroom is for to PROVE it doesn't make sense and fill in the gaps. If you can't do that then how do you know anything?
The world is full of dumbasses who have absolutely nothing better to do than to look at their neighbor and find fault in them. "That person drives a 1995 Honda, they must be poor", "That person is weird and has long hair, he must do drugs". Seriously!
There is no innocent until proven guilty in this world. It's all about perception and it is assanine that it's that way. Hell, just the other day I was pulling into a parking space and backed up a little to line my car up.. suddenly a car speeds around me yelling at me "What are you doing!" as he drove by. "Uggghhh, I was parking my car dumbass... what are you doing swerving around my vehicle like an earthquake is coming?"
It really gets to me that all it takes is one person to say something bad about another to almost make it true. It happens in schools, it happens where you work and it happens with your so-called friends. People are shit plain and simple.
It cracks me up when programs like Nancy Grace keep having people on her show call in and almost in tears like they have anything invested in this trial. Saying things like "I know she's guilty" and "Why were they celebrating their victory when a little girl is dead?" and "She's a psychopath and she will kill again" WTF!!!!
Seriously, she was in prison for 3 years already. If I was in prison for any amount of time and got a not guilty plea I would be dancing on the courtroom table. I wouldn't give a shit about what anyone else thought. She had 3 years to mourn the loss of her daughter.
The fact is she was found NOT GUILTY. Like it or not it's over. She still was in jail for 3 years, she still has to live with the loss of her daughter, and her family still has the legal bill to pay. All in all, regardless if she gets money for a movie deal she is still NOT GUILTY!
People in this world love to place blame on people before knowing the facts. Then they claim they know the person is guilty because it doesn't make sense. Since when are you guilty because things don't add up. That's what the courtroom is for to PROVE it doesn't make sense and fill in the gaps. If you can't do that then how do you know anything?
The world is full of dumbasses who have absolutely nothing better to do than to look at their neighbor and find fault in them. "That person drives a 1995 Honda, they must be poor", "That person is weird and has long hair, he must do drugs". Seriously!
There is no innocent until proven guilty in this world. It's all about perception and it is assanine that it's that way. Hell, just the other day I was pulling into a parking space and backed up a little to line my car up.. suddenly a car speeds around me yelling at me "What are you doing!" as he drove by. "Uggghhh, I was parking my car dumbass... what are you doing swerving around my vehicle like an earthquake is coming?"
It really gets to me that all it takes is one person to say something bad about another to almost make it true. It happens in schools, it happens where you work and it happens with your so-called friends. People are shit plain and simple.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Moving to Europe
Sometimes I just want to pack up and move to Europe. Maybe it's my restless nature in me... or maybe there's something more to it. Either case, if it wasn't for my 2 lil' ones I probably would already be there now. Not that I am not happy being a dad or anything (let's get that straight right now).
Seriously though, sometimes I just get tired of being in the same place everyday. Most days I am very content with my situation and happy to be living in Southern Cali where I can make a living doing what I love to do. But that thing that I love to do (photography) is also the thing driving me to change.
Luckily over the past 4 years I have been able to travel for weeks at a time all around Europe, including parts of Africa, Turkey and later this year China. I feel very fortunate to have done that in which many only get to dream of. But I crave more. Sure 3 weeks is fine but I'm talking at least 3 months to a year. How fun would it be to just fly to Southern France and start over for a period of time. Find a job doing something, travel around Europe just because it's the weekend, and enjoy a completely different way of life for a spell. Sure I would miss many things I am used to in the States, but that's the idea.
There are still many places I want to see around the world, although places in Europe are getting less and less attractive since I have already been there 5 times now. But Sweden, Finland, St Petersburg, Prague, Vienna all still interest me as well as other parts of France and Germany that I haven't seen yet.
Next year I am planning a trip that will include several places I have already seen. Paris, Barcelona, Nice and Rome are all cities I have been to before but haven't had the opportunity to finish my stay there. That's why I am making sure that Lisbon Portugal is on that list as well to say I've been there. A future trip would have to include Prague, Copenhagen, parts of Sweden and Poland, Vienna and Bratislava. That would most likely end my trips to Europe for awhile as I concentrate on South America and Australia after that.
The point is, even though I am not going to live overseas anytime soon I still have this craving to do so. I mean how great would it be to just leave my place in the morning with an easel and draw the Roman Forum as I see it in front of me? How awesome would it be to jump on a train tomorrow to see what Versailles is like in France? Sure one day I will be able to see those places on a trip but just the thought of not having to wait until a certain time of year to do so just intrigues me so much. Hell, it's killing me just waiting these final 2 1/2 months before hitting Beijing.
Bottom line is I'm a survivor. I always seem to make due and adapt to my surroundings and this would be no different. And when my kids are grown and out of the house in about 8-10 years then I may just revisit this notion of moving to the French Riviera for a time. Until then, I guess I will just have to make due with the 3 weekers.
Seriously though, sometimes I just get tired of being in the same place everyday. Most days I am very content with my situation and happy to be living in Southern Cali where I can make a living doing what I love to do. But that thing that I love to do (photography) is also the thing driving me to change.
Luckily over the past 4 years I have been able to travel for weeks at a time all around Europe, including parts of Africa, Turkey and later this year China. I feel very fortunate to have done that in which many only get to dream of. But I crave more. Sure 3 weeks is fine but I'm talking at least 3 months to a year. How fun would it be to just fly to Southern France and start over for a period of time. Find a job doing something, travel around Europe just because it's the weekend, and enjoy a completely different way of life for a spell. Sure I would miss many things I am used to in the States, but that's the idea.
There are still many places I want to see around the world, although places in Europe are getting less and less attractive since I have already been there 5 times now. But Sweden, Finland, St Petersburg, Prague, Vienna all still interest me as well as other parts of France and Germany that I haven't seen yet.
Next year I am planning a trip that will include several places I have already seen. Paris, Barcelona, Nice and Rome are all cities I have been to before but haven't had the opportunity to finish my stay there. That's why I am making sure that Lisbon Portugal is on that list as well to say I've been there. A future trip would have to include Prague, Copenhagen, parts of Sweden and Poland, Vienna and Bratislava. That would most likely end my trips to Europe for awhile as I concentrate on South America and Australia after that.
The point is, even though I am not going to live overseas anytime soon I still have this craving to do so. I mean how great would it be to just leave my place in the morning with an easel and draw the Roman Forum as I see it in front of me? How awesome would it be to jump on a train tomorrow to see what Versailles is like in France? Sure one day I will be able to see those places on a trip but just the thought of not having to wait until a certain time of year to do so just intrigues me so much. Hell, it's killing me just waiting these final 2 1/2 months before hitting Beijing.
Bottom line is I'm a survivor. I always seem to make due and adapt to my surroundings and this would be no different. And when my kids are grown and out of the house in about 8-10 years then I may just revisit this notion of moving to the French Riviera for a time. Until then, I guess I will just have to make due with the 3 weekers.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Joker Inside Me
I've never been one to be completely comfortable with my professional life. I am always on the go looking for a way to ease my mind and make sense of the world. That's why the life of an artist truly suits me.
I have been all over the map it seems: from starting my own internet company and moving to LA for acting to creating my own film projects and photography. I am also an avid drawer and painter and love to sketch life-like images with precision. I have flown all around the world and at time taken up a foreign language as a hobby. And in between all of this I sometimes work a regular job just to keep my head on straight.
Matter of fact I am looking for a temp job now. Not really because of money but because right now my mind is so crossed up that I actually need something to take me away from it all for awhile.
I love the creative side of me, but sometimes it's a true burden. I get so lost in being free that I don't realize how consumed I actually am at the time. I also understand the psyche of artists and actors as they let alcohol and drugs take over their persona's. I for one will never allow myself to get to the at point, but sometimes finding an escape of any kind is all some of us are really looking for.
Luckily for me I have a stable family that depends on me as much as I depend on them. That is the one constant in my life that I most honorably cherish and will never relinquish. I have often turned down creative opportunities because I chose not to negatively influence my life and take away from my obligations at home. I know first hand how it feels to grow up without feeling welcomed in your own home and my kids will never experience that kind of pain.
If it wasn't for my family, however, I know I would be in a dark, solemn place right now. I would be very successful in my pursuit of my goals mainly due to my determination to make things work, and with nothing holding me back and left to my own devices I know I would accomplish many things. But the cost of that accomplishment is what would drive me crazy.
Unfortunately in my professional life I still border on the edge of insanity. Somedays I want to challenge myself and put all of my efforts into my goals, while other days I am content with my accomplishments and enjoy the time off. If only there was a productive way to do both.
I have been all over the map it seems: from starting my own internet company and moving to LA for acting to creating my own film projects and photography. I am also an avid drawer and painter and love to sketch life-like images with precision. I have flown all around the world and at time taken up a foreign language as a hobby. And in between all of this I sometimes work a regular job just to keep my head on straight.
Matter of fact I am looking for a temp job now. Not really because of money but because right now my mind is so crossed up that I actually need something to take me away from it all for awhile.
I love the creative side of me, but sometimes it's a true burden. I get so lost in being free that I don't realize how consumed I actually am at the time. I also understand the psyche of artists and actors as they let alcohol and drugs take over their persona's. I for one will never allow myself to get to the at point, but sometimes finding an escape of any kind is all some of us are really looking for.
Luckily for me I have a stable family that depends on me as much as I depend on them. That is the one constant in my life that I most honorably cherish and will never relinquish. I have often turned down creative opportunities because I chose not to negatively influence my life and take away from my obligations at home. I know first hand how it feels to grow up without feeling welcomed in your own home and my kids will never experience that kind of pain.
If it wasn't for my family, however, I know I would be in a dark, solemn place right now. I would be very successful in my pursuit of my goals mainly due to my determination to make things work, and with nothing holding me back and left to my own devices I know I would accomplish many things. But the cost of that accomplishment is what would drive me crazy.
Unfortunately in my professional life I still border on the edge of insanity. Somedays I want to challenge myself and put all of my efforts into my goals, while other days I am content with my accomplishments and enjoy the time off. If only there was a productive way to do both.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Getting My DeNiro On
So a film I worked on last year is almost complete and soon to be screened. I can't tell you how much fun it was to be on set again after some time away. Not to mention my approach to acting has improved dramatically.
When I first started out in 2003 I had this young boy hoping to be a leading man thing going on. But over the years I have realized my niche in this business- raw intensity. My idols have changed from Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp to Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman. Although I am not a complete fan of method acting I have found a great way to coexist method with Meiner in a very effective way.
I am going to make my way back into this business one way or another. Not because of money or recognition but because I just love it so much. I enjoy bringing my intensity out in a role and I know there are many meaty roles out there that I can tackle. It's just a matter of time.
When I first started out in 2003 I had this young boy hoping to be a leading man thing going on. But over the years I have realized my niche in this business- raw intensity. My idols have changed from Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp to Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman. Although I am not a complete fan of method acting I have found a great way to coexist method with Meiner in a very effective way.
I am going to make my way back into this business one way or another. Not because of money or recognition but because I just love it so much. I enjoy bringing my intensity out in a role and I know there are many meaty roles out there that I can tackle. It's just a matter of time.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Night Owl
It's a wonder why my mind excels at night yet fizzels during the day.
For as long as I can remember I have always been a night person. This is where I am Mozart, Einstein and Sokrates all roled into one. My best ideas are thrown together like a stew and boiled to taste. But as soon as I wake up the feelings gone.
Something happens between the 8 or so hours of sleep each night that turns my motivation switch in my head off. There are even nights when I feel I could stay up forever just to keep the thoughts in my head together long enough to do something about it. Unfortunately the rest of the world is long asleep at that time.
I guess it's rightfully so... if my motivational sensors worked as well in the day time then I would be running 100 miles an hour nonstop.
For as long as I can remember I have always been a night person. This is where I am Mozart, Einstein and Sokrates all roled into one. My best ideas are thrown together like a stew and boiled to taste. But as soon as I wake up the feelings gone.
Something happens between the 8 or so hours of sleep each night that turns my motivation switch in my head off. There are even nights when I feel I could stay up forever just to keep the thoughts in my head together long enough to do something about it. Unfortunately the rest of the world is long asleep at that time.
I guess it's rightfully so... if my motivational sensors worked as well in the day time then I would be running 100 miles an hour nonstop.
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Mom Pushed and Cussed Out My Daughter Today
My daughter was petting a cat outside when an 8 year old boy pushed my daughter and told her to stop. She continued and he pushed her some more. So she got up and pushed him back (not even hard enough to knock him off balance mind you).
Suddenly the boys mom comes out of the house, pushes my 12 year old daughter and tells her "Never fucking touch my son again or fucking else"
Once I heard this (from several sources by the way- not just my daughter) I went straight to their house to confront her but nobody was home. I went there several times until after 9pm and still didn't see anyone there.
Tomorrow I plan to go over there and when that lady sees me (with my daughter behind me so she knows what this is about) I will tell her this...
"Before I contact the police I wanted to give you 1 minutes to explain. Did you touch and cuss at my daughter?" I will of course expect a sincere apology to my daughters face. If she gives me any kind of negative or defensive response I will simply say, "Thanks, that is all I needed to hear from you- you can tell the rest to the cop who files the report"
Of course I want to go into thug mode on this bitch so bad. I would love nothing more but to have my wife go over there and spank her in front of her own 8 year old son until she cries out herself. But being the methodical person I am I'd rather settle this in a way that will make sure she is sorry for what she did.
Telling my daughter to not push her child is understandable.... coming to me is preferable.... but to be physical with my daughter (even if it was not a serious push) and then to combat it with definite F-bombs to her face is inexcusable. I always told my daughter that if she is in trouble or wronged in a way that she can not handle I will be there to fight her battle for her. I can't wait to see the smile on my daughter's face tomorrow when that lady apologies to her straight up. And if she doesn't--- well she is one stupid bitch!
Suddenly the boys mom comes out of the house, pushes my 12 year old daughter and tells her "Never fucking touch my son again or fucking else"
Once I heard this (from several sources by the way- not just my daughter) I went straight to their house to confront her but nobody was home. I went there several times until after 9pm and still didn't see anyone there.
Tomorrow I plan to go over there and when that lady sees me (with my daughter behind me so she knows what this is about) I will tell her this...
"Before I contact the police I wanted to give you 1 minutes to explain. Did you touch and cuss at my daughter?" I will of course expect a sincere apology to my daughters face. If she gives me any kind of negative or defensive response I will simply say, "Thanks, that is all I needed to hear from you- you can tell the rest to the cop who files the report"
Of course I want to go into thug mode on this bitch so bad. I would love nothing more but to have my wife go over there and spank her in front of her own 8 year old son until she cries out herself. But being the methodical person I am I'd rather settle this in a way that will make sure she is sorry for what she did.
Telling my daughter to not push her child is understandable.... coming to me is preferable.... but to be physical with my daughter (even if it was not a serious push) and then to combat it with definite F-bombs to her face is inexcusable. I always told my daughter that if she is in trouble or wronged in a way that she can not handle I will be there to fight her battle for her. I can't wait to see the smile on my daughter's face tomorrow when that lady apologies to her straight up. And if she doesn't--- well she is one stupid bitch!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Basketball Is Back
Three weeks ago I started playing basketball again. My mind was there as well as my dribbling skills but my legs and stamina were not. I found myself knowing what I wanted to do but I got tired fast.
So I made an effort to get back on the court more often and have played almost every day since then. After a few days I found my shot again and soon the teenagers at the court were calling me Steve Nash (Phoenix Suns player). My game was coming back and I was feeling good about myself. I mean it's cool to play with young people but it wasn't much of a challenge. I ended up taking it slow a lot and turning it on in spurts.
Today, however, was the test I've been looking for. Finally I played a 5 on 5 full court game with actual league players. Of course nobody had a clue who I was or what I could do. So I take it slow at first passing around and taking open jumpers when I can when suddenly on defense I knock the ball away and get a steal. I go full court at full speed blowing by everyone to lay the ball up. The next play I did the same and suddenly I felt like I was fully back. We ended up winning the game as I scored or assisted on half of the points.
I mean I was dribbling between my legs, taking my defender off the dribble, hitting turnaround shots and passing to open teammates all game long. The guys on the other team were scrambling to find someone that could actually guard me. Once I was walking up the court with the ball and dribbling between my legs. My defender (who was looking another way at first) turned and saw me walking the ball up towards him and he said "Oh shit here he comes".
Now I know many of you would read this and think so what, but to me basketball was everything growing up. I played hard every day to be the best I could and when I had my knee injury in high school that ended any hope of playing in college. And of course when I got married I lost my edge for it. But now I am back. Taking 20 something year old ball players off the dribble today and hearing the ohhs and ahhs from them as I made turnaround jumpers with a hand in my face, or passed the ball off the dribble to teammates cutting to the basket just made me feel alive.
So I made an effort to get back on the court more often and have played almost every day since then. After a few days I found my shot again and soon the teenagers at the court were calling me Steve Nash (Phoenix Suns player). My game was coming back and I was feeling good about myself. I mean it's cool to play with young people but it wasn't much of a challenge. I ended up taking it slow a lot and turning it on in spurts.
Today, however, was the test I've been looking for. Finally I played a 5 on 5 full court game with actual league players. Of course nobody had a clue who I was or what I could do. So I take it slow at first passing around and taking open jumpers when I can when suddenly on defense I knock the ball away and get a steal. I go full court at full speed blowing by everyone to lay the ball up. The next play I did the same and suddenly I felt like I was fully back. We ended up winning the game as I scored or assisted on half of the points.
I mean I was dribbling between my legs, taking my defender off the dribble, hitting turnaround shots and passing to open teammates all game long. The guys on the other team were scrambling to find someone that could actually guard me. Once I was walking up the court with the ball and dribbling between my legs. My defender (who was looking another way at first) turned and saw me walking the ball up towards him and he said "Oh shit here he comes".
Now I know many of you would read this and think so what, but to me basketball was everything growing up. I played hard every day to be the best I could and when I had my knee injury in high school that ended any hope of playing in college. And of course when I got married I lost my edge for it. But now I am back. Taking 20 something year old ball players off the dribble today and hearing the ohhs and ahhs from them as I made turnaround jumpers with a hand in my face, or passed the ball off the dribble to teammates cutting to the basket just made me feel alive.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My Grandfather Passed
Well, actually it was my step grandfather. Funny thing is I am quite conflicted with this news. I mean I feel I should have some reaction to it but I really don't. I don't know how to take that.
The last time I saw him was after my 4th grade year (when I was only 9). I went to stay with my grandmother and step grandfather for a few months that summer in Illinois. All I really remember about him was that he was a hard ass. He never allowed me to have any friends over, he took me fishing and told me after it was cooked that I had to eat everything that I caught that day myself, and he use to spank me with the side of an arrow. I guess it was more inventive than a belt. In spite of those 3 things I really never had an issue with him. But when my real grandmother died a few years later I just assumed that he was no longer a part of my immediate family because he was never blood to begin with. Not to mention, I never really knew him in the first place.
I still feel like I should feel something though. I even thought for a second what if the call was about my own father passing away. How would I feel? Would I stop everything I was doing and reflect? Would I even cry a tear? Like my step grandfather, I never really knew my dad at all, even though we lived in the same household until I was 18.
A part of me feels I should be there at the funeral for my families sake. But I don't know. I'll have to see how things go.
The last time I saw him was after my 4th grade year (when I was only 9). I went to stay with my grandmother and step grandfather for a few months that summer in Illinois. All I really remember about him was that he was a hard ass. He never allowed me to have any friends over, he took me fishing and told me after it was cooked that I had to eat everything that I caught that day myself, and he use to spank me with the side of an arrow. I guess it was more inventive than a belt. In spite of those 3 things I really never had an issue with him. But when my real grandmother died a few years later I just assumed that he was no longer a part of my immediate family because he was never blood to begin with. Not to mention, I never really knew him in the first place.
I still feel like I should feel something though. I even thought for a second what if the call was about my own father passing away. How would I feel? Would I stop everything I was doing and reflect? Would I even cry a tear? Like my step grandfather, I never really knew my dad at all, even though we lived in the same household until I was 18.
A part of me feels I should be there at the funeral for my families sake. But I don't know. I'll have to see how things go.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Pushing Myself Until I Bleed
Funny realization today. I was in the shower and suddenly I am overwhelmed with the answer that I have been lacking all these years. "Why am I not more committed to follow through on things I start?"
This question has bothered me over the years because I felt I was lazy in my way of thinking. But I soon realized that it's not laziness at all. In fact, in my early years (high school and before) I was crazy dedicated to getting things done. In weight lifting I pushed myself to double my bench press weight in a 3 month span. In basketball I set out to be the best I could be and learn from my mistakes. I even spent countless hours working on my vertical leap until I was finally able to hang on a 10 foot rim and dunk at least a small ball. Being only 5'7 at the time I thought that was pretty impressive.
The change happened after I was married and when my daughter was born. I realized I didn't need to push myself anymore to be the best at anything else but being a father. Suddenly, THAT became my focus and any personal achievements I have made or wanted to make took a quick backseat.
Over the years, as I began focusing on my acting career, those newfound feelings were still present. If I didn't book a job I said "so what". I was happy with everything else in my life and didn't see the need to push myself beyond the call of duty for anything trivial. I also didn't want to take anything away from me being the best father and husband I could be.
You see, when I pushed myself hard to accomplish a goal (in my younger years) I was quite neurotic about it. I would get on my case every chance I got to be better and I would go until my body couldn't physically take any more. I wanted to show everyone that I could do what I set out to do. Now, I guess I am a bit afraid to put myself out there like that feeling maybe it will take away from my duties at home. I am more concerned with making sure I am there as a dad than I am making sure I complete a task.
I don't know what I am going to do with this information now. I am just glad I figured it out. Hopefully I can find a grown up way to balance my intensity as I pursue goals I've always wanted to complete and being home when I am needed.
I do think it is time I put myself out there once again and show the world who I am and what I am on this Earth to do.
This question has bothered me over the years because I felt I was lazy in my way of thinking. But I soon realized that it's not laziness at all. In fact, in my early years (high school and before) I was crazy dedicated to getting things done. In weight lifting I pushed myself to double my bench press weight in a 3 month span. In basketball I set out to be the best I could be and learn from my mistakes. I even spent countless hours working on my vertical leap until I was finally able to hang on a 10 foot rim and dunk at least a small ball. Being only 5'7 at the time I thought that was pretty impressive.
The change happened after I was married and when my daughter was born. I realized I didn't need to push myself anymore to be the best at anything else but being a father. Suddenly, THAT became my focus and any personal achievements I have made or wanted to make took a quick backseat.
Over the years, as I began focusing on my acting career, those newfound feelings were still present. If I didn't book a job I said "so what". I was happy with everything else in my life and didn't see the need to push myself beyond the call of duty for anything trivial. I also didn't want to take anything away from me being the best father and husband I could be.
You see, when I pushed myself hard to accomplish a goal (in my younger years) I was quite neurotic about it. I would get on my case every chance I got to be better and I would go until my body couldn't physically take any more. I wanted to show everyone that I could do what I set out to do. Now, I guess I am a bit afraid to put myself out there like that feeling maybe it will take away from my duties at home. I am more concerned with making sure I am there as a dad than I am making sure I complete a task.
I don't know what I am going to do with this information now. I am just glad I figured it out. Hopefully I can find a grown up way to balance my intensity as I pursue goals I've always wanted to complete and being home when I am needed.
I do think it is time I put myself out there once again and show the world who I am and what I am on this Earth to do.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ima B Me
I am really tired of flaky ass people. Sometimes I wonder if I am truly the only respectful person left in the world. No matter who I run into I always seem to find idiots out there that never do what they say they will do in some fashion or another. It's pathetic.
People act like keeping in touch is the hardest thing in the world. Seriously, all you have to do is pick up the cell phone (yeah that thing you've been using to listen to music and check your email for the past 2 hours) and get back to me. Is it REALLY that tough? Oh wait I forgot. Between going to work, checking the internet, stuffing your face and texting everyone in sight while waiting in line at blockbuster it's really hard to find the time to actually call someone up anymore. I mean it is almost physically impossible.
Maybe it is because I was raised up in a messed up family with a deadbeat dad that liked to tear me down every chance he got, but I always... and I really mean ALWAYS... try and get back to someone or stick to what I originally said I would do. I mean it just makes good sense to do it.
Now I understand this is the real reason why I have very limited close friends. It's because I see right through all the BS that people sling at me. I am a straight up person. If you lie to my face; I can tell it. If you give me a line; I may call you on it. If you say you'll get back to me and don't; I won't forgive you. That's just the nature of my being. I am like this because I believe if you really care about someone that you will be there when needed. Not just when it is convenient enough for you.
Funny thing is I am the lowest maintenance person around. I brought myself up to handle my own problems... to be my own personal counselor. Because of this I have no problem with helping others when they are in need. But if I do not get the same back when I ACTUALLY have to get something off my chest or just want a friend to hang out with then you were not much of a friend to begin with.
I guess I am just destined to be alone in my own thoughts until I die. Don't mean to seem dramatic but it's been 33 years so far and still have not found one person (outside of my wife) that can come close to being there. Check that, I THOUGHT I did once... but that person turned out to be a self-absorbed flake.
Regardless, people are shit. The more you depend on others, the more hurt in the long run you will feel. In a way I'm glad that my jackass father taught me early on how people really are. His mental beatings taught me how to depend on the one person I can always count on: MYSELF!
People act like keeping in touch is the hardest thing in the world. Seriously, all you have to do is pick up the cell phone (yeah that thing you've been using to listen to music and check your email for the past 2 hours) and get back to me. Is it REALLY that tough? Oh wait I forgot. Between going to work, checking the internet, stuffing your face and texting everyone in sight while waiting in line at blockbuster it's really hard to find the time to actually call someone up anymore. I mean it is almost physically impossible.
Maybe it is because I was raised up in a messed up family with a deadbeat dad that liked to tear me down every chance he got, but I always... and I really mean ALWAYS... try and get back to someone or stick to what I originally said I would do. I mean it just makes good sense to do it.
Now I understand this is the real reason why I have very limited close friends. It's because I see right through all the BS that people sling at me. I am a straight up person. If you lie to my face; I can tell it. If you give me a line; I may call you on it. If you say you'll get back to me and don't; I won't forgive you. That's just the nature of my being. I am like this because I believe if you really care about someone that you will be there when needed. Not just when it is convenient enough for you.
Funny thing is I am the lowest maintenance person around. I brought myself up to handle my own problems... to be my own personal counselor. Because of this I have no problem with helping others when they are in need. But if I do not get the same back when I ACTUALLY have to get something off my chest or just want a friend to hang out with then you were not much of a friend to begin with.
I guess I am just destined to be alone in my own thoughts until I die. Don't mean to seem dramatic but it's been 33 years so far and still have not found one person (outside of my wife) that can come close to being there. Check that, I THOUGHT I did once... but that person turned out to be a self-absorbed flake.
Regardless, people are shit. The more you depend on others, the more hurt in the long run you will feel. In a way I'm glad that my jackass father taught me early on how people really are. His mental beatings taught me how to depend on the one person I can always count on: MYSELF!
Monday, March 21, 2011
You are a dick if you...
You are a dick if you….
1. drive slow in the carpool lane
2. refer to your pet as “your kid”
3. smoke just outside a buildings entry door
4. say you have to “check your schedule” and NEVER get back
5. have an SUV and only one kid
6. can’t watch anything unless it’s in HD
7. say you’re a diehard Lakers fan and you just moved here from Minnesota
8. change lanes in front of someone when there was no one in front of you to begin with
9. ignore someone without telling them WHY you are ignoring them
10. watch any kind of reality show like Jersey Shore religiously
11. leave your turn signal on as you drive
12. park diagonally into a parking space or over the parking line
13. won’t go to California because of a possible earthquake
14. make a steak dinner for yourself and no one else in the household
15. are reading this and think “I’m the dick” for writing it
Friday, March 18, 2011
"Deep In My Mind"
My mind is exploding with the color of imagination. So many emotions are running through yet so few ways to express them fully. I am on the brink of insanity as I travel my way down this dark path that I've learned to call home.
Too many times I have tried and failed to alleviate this feeling of hell. I am my own soul and yet I crave the meaning of attention. But that burden is too much to bare as I try to wear down these walls that have been built to protect me from the flaws of humanity.
I am strong but lazy; kind yet obtuse. My being is so complex that even I can not rationalize it to truth. The nights are getting longer as my thoughts race toward a conclusion I may never know. I am out of control as the epitome of failure surrounds my very core. Overtaking me until I am no more.
So I continue to put on this face that you see, because you don't want to know the real me. You don't care if I've been beaten and abused or scorned and misused. Your mind can't even fathom the thoughts that have ravished my body senseless. So why should I even bother to put on anything else but a smile. For that is what you crave of me. A simple being free of obscenity.
Too many times I have tried and failed to alleviate this feeling of hell. I am my own soul and yet I crave the meaning of attention. But that burden is too much to bare as I try to wear down these walls that have been built to protect me from the flaws of humanity.
I am strong but lazy; kind yet obtuse. My being is so complex that even I can not rationalize it to truth. The nights are getting longer as my thoughts race toward a conclusion I may never know. I am out of control as the epitome of failure surrounds my very core. Overtaking me until I am no more.
So I continue to put on this face that you see, because you don't want to know the real me. You don't care if I've been beaten and abused or scorned and misused. Your mind can't even fathom the thoughts that have ravished my body senseless. So why should I even bother to put on anything else but a smile. For that is what you crave of me. A simple being free of obscenity.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The First Steps
My comeback to acting has begun. I took the first steps of taking my own headshots the other day, however with mixed results. It's hard to feel completely comfortable behind a camera and have the right thoughts in your head when you are concentrating on the setup of the equipement and the technical aspects of the shoot. I did manage to get one shot I liked but I need more.
None-the-less I made that leap. The one that is propelling me back into the abyss of Hollywood and rendering me insane with the notion of doing this whole thing all over again. At least this time I have credits and experience on my side. Not to mention a new unique look.
I am not afraid of myself anymore. Well, at least not like before when I was so consumed with my appearance and not acting like an ass. I've soon come to embrace the quirkiness that is my mind. I know I have a likable personality, especially when I am being honest with myself and not putting on a show. I also know that I am different from others around me. My mind works in a way that others apparently can't come to grips to. For whatever reason I was blessed with the gift of learning from my experiences and the mind that can push me to carry on instead of falling back.
I knew from a young age that I was meant for something special. And acting was the only thing that made perfect sense.
None-the-less I made that leap. The one that is propelling me back into the abyss of Hollywood and rendering me insane with the notion of doing this whole thing all over again. At least this time I have credits and experience on my side. Not to mention a new unique look.
I am not afraid of myself anymore. Well, at least not like before when I was so consumed with my appearance and not acting like an ass. I've soon come to embrace the quirkiness that is my mind. I know I have a likable personality, especially when I am being honest with myself and not putting on a show. I also know that I am different from others around me. My mind works in a way that others apparently can't come to grips to. For whatever reason I was blessed with the gift of learning from my experiences and the mind that can push me to carry on instead of falling back.
I knew from a young age that I was meant for something special. And acting was the only thing that made perfect sense.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Do-It-Yourself Headshots
So, it looks like it is time to get my headshots updated. This time around I plan to do them myself. Well at least that's the idea. It's very tough to get everything set exactly how I want it for me to be in the shot. I almost have to take a wide shot and crop it in retouching.
Then there is the focusing factor. What I need to do is put an object possibly on a stool that can set the focus just right. Then I can step in front of the camera on a time and take the photo. Otherwise I can just buy a remote control but even that has it's challenges.
Somehow I am going to find a way to do it. And I need to do it soon because I can't submit without them. My old ones are outdated since my hair is much longer. This should be fun!
Then there is the focusing factor. What I need to do is put an object possibly on a stool that can set the focus just right. Then I can step in front of the camera on a time and take the photo. Otherwise I can just buy a remote control but even that has it's challenges.
Somehow I am going to find a way to do it. And I need to do it soon because I can't submit without them. My old ones are outdated since my hair is much longer. This should be fun!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Actor is Back
I was watching the BIO of Johnny Depp today and suddenly I am transported back 10 years ago when I first felt the itch for acting. You know... the itch that caused me to sell my house and uproot my family to Los Angeles. Yeah that one.
After taken the past few years off I am finally ready to get back into it full swing. But unlike the first time around this is not for the paycheck. I realize I have so much of my crazy life left to show an audience what makes me tick. This time around it is about me being me. Darkside and all!
Truth be told it is so much easier NOT being an actor. Just a ton more boring. Problem is an actor is who I am. It is really the only thing that has ever made sense in my life... as far as what direction is best for me. That's why I was so drawn to it in the first place. I wish I could be happy working 9-5 behind a desk but I can't. My life is in the arts, my mind is vastly misunderstood, and my heart is aching to be heard.
After taken the past few years off I am finally ready to get back into it full swing. But unlike the first time around this is not for the paycheck. I realize I have so much of my crazy life left to show an audience what makes me tick. This time around it is about me being me. Darkside and all!
Truth be told it is so much easier NOT being an actor. Just a ton more boring. Problem is an actor is who I am. It is really the only thing that has ever made sense in my life... as far as what direction is best for me. That's why I was so drawn to it in the first place. I wish I could be happy working 9-5 behind a desk but I can't. My life is in the arts, my mind is vastly misunderstood, and my heart is aching to be heard.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Scared to Be Judged!
Recently I played a pickup game of basketball and it got my mind going. Here I was taking these guys to the hoop over and over again. Keep in mind I haven't played in about a year but the game was coming easy for me. I was passing the ball around off the drive, hitting turnaround fadaways and beating people off the dribble like it was my job. Suddenly, I slowed up. Not because I was tired or injured but because I didn't want to kick the other people's butts that much. This got me thinking: do I do this is my normal life as well?
As stated I love attention. I want people to come up to me telling me how good I am at something, but everytime I get it I always seem to shy away from it instead of embrace it. It's like I have this need to look like I'm being humble. Just like in that basketball game when I decided to ease up, I find that I do that with everything.
Perhaps it's my way of wanting others to like me that I try not to be too full of myself, but this also leaves me with an empty feeling of wanting to go for it. I mean I push myself hard to be really good at something and once I get to a certain point where I am better than average I tend to slow down not wanting to put myself fully out there.
The way I see it is, if I am better than average then people will see how good I am... but if I am really good then I am afraid I will open myself up to criticism and that is hard for me to take. When it all comes down to it I am just scared of letting my true self be seen and judged.
Just once I want to push myself to be the BEST... not just better. To go for the everlasting goal instead of the short term accomplishment and show myself that I can do something without always worrying about what others feel about it. The problem is I am a perfectionist in my own way. I tend to overthink my course of action to avoid mistakes when really I just need to take a step out into that world of uncertainty and let it rain. Maybe this is also a reason why I feel I have unfinished business in the acting world.
My mind is brewing and soon I think it is about to explode with a creative nature that I have never seen or experienced before. Hopefully I will push myself to the limit wanting to be great instead of settling for just being good.
As stated I love attention. I want people to come up to me telling me how good I am at something, but everytime I get it I always seem to shy away from it instead of embrace it. It's like I have this need to look like I'm being humble. Just like in that basketball game when I decided to ease up, I find that I do that with everything.
Perhaps it's my way of wanting others to like me that I try not to be too full of myself, but this also leaves me with an empty feeling of wanting to go for it. I mean I push myself hard to be really good at something and once I get to a certain point where I am better than average I tend to slow down not wanting to put myself fully out there.
The way I see it is, if I am better than average then people will see how good I am... but if I am really good then I am afraid I will open myself up to criticism and that is hard for me to take. When it all comes down to it I am just scared of letting my true self be seen and judged.
Just once I want to push myself to be the BEST... not just better. To go for the everlasting goal instead of the short term accomplishment and show myself that I can do something without always worrying about what others feel about it. The problem is I am a perfectionist in my own way. I tend to overthink my course of action to avoid mistakes when really I just need to take a step out into that world of uncertainty and let it rain. Maybe this is also a reason why I feel I have unfinished business in the acting world.
My mind is brewing and soon I think it is about to explode with a creative nature that I have never seen or experienced before. Hopefully I will push myself to the limit wanting to be great instead of settling for just being good.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sianara
Well, my month long continuation of this blog has done it's purpose. It's been fun getting to the bottom of my thoughts at times and perhaps I will continue in the future. But for now I will take a break.
NO BLOG TODAY!!!!
I am making a quick blog to say that there will NOT be a blog today. Because it's Valentine's Day!!!!!
So anyone expecting a blog today will just have to wait for another day. I have home made Cordon Bleu and appetizers to make. It's going to be a hunger-less night for sure.
So anyone expecting a blog today will just have to wait for another day. I have home made Cordon Bleu and appetizers to make. It's going to be a hunger-less night for sure.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Proud of My Boy
Today I was able to see my son excel at baseball. This is his first year playing at 10 (soon to be 11) years old. For the past few years he has wanted to try out but his eye was a bit on the lazy side. He went through 2 surgeries and last year it finally took (good as new). So last October he states he wants to do it this coming year.
He has only had a few practices and the season doesn't officially start for another 3 weeks but I can see the fire in him to want to do better. From last week to this he has already improved on seeing the ball, throwing and most importantly having fun. That truly makes me a proud dad all around. Especially when he hit a line drive down the 3rd base line.
He has only had a few practices and the season doesn't officially start for another 3 weeks but I can see the fire in him to want to do better. From last week to this he has already improved on seeing the ball, throwing and most importantly having fun. That truly makes me a proud dad all around. Especially when he hit a line drive down the 3rd base line.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Temptation is A 5 Letter Word
Ugggghhhh. I hate this feeling. You know... that feeling of wanting something that you know you don't really need!
5 years ago I purchased a brand new Mazda RX-8. I spend hours working up a deal on that car and getting them to lower the price and the APR to almost nothing. I even got the managers involved with the deal as I worked them to death. In the end we were $500 away from my asking price and I was not budging. Finally I told them that I know they are spending x amount of dollars in interest to have this car just sitting on their lot and it has already been there for several weeks. I told them if they don't drop the price another $500 then they will spend more than that in taxes alone. Might as well give it to me now and save them the hassel. Sure enough they did just that AND gave me a 0.9 interest rate to boot.
For about a year I enjoyed driving that car everywhere I went. Even got it up to 135 mph on the highway once just to see what it could do. Sadly though I got rid of it. With the gas hike in 2007 I realized I really didn't need that kind of car nor the bad gas mileage it gave me.
Here I am 4 years later still craving that car. The Mazda dealership sent me a flyer in the mail yesterday and I made the mistake of logging into their website to see if they had any RX-8s in stock and sure enough they had one. It just starred at me with that pitiful look daring me to go to the dealership and buy it. Knowing I was heading down a dangerous path I quickly exited from the dealership website, but unfortunately the image is still in my head.
Out of all of the cars I have owed THAT was the one I miss the most. Bad part is I can easily afford it. I could go to the dealership now and pay them in full to own the car outright. But my will power must succeed. I am very comfortable with my current car now and have no need in getting a new one. But the human in me WANTS what it WANTS. UUGHHHHH!!!!
The main thing stopping me is that I promised my daughter that I would give her my current Nissan in 3 years (when she is ready to get her drivers license). But even she said she'd rather me get the Mazda again. Maybe she thinks she would eventually get that RX-8 in the future but hell no to that.
3 more years..... 3 more years..... 3 more years.....
5 years ago I purchased a brand new Mazda RX-8. I spend hours working up a deal on that car and getting them to lower the price and the APR to almost nothing. I even got the managers involved with the deal as I worked them to death. In the end we were $500 away from my asking price and I was not budging. Finally I told them that I know they are spending x amount of dollars in interest to have this car just sitting on their lot and it has already been there for several weeks. I told them if they don't drop the price another $500 then they will spend more than that in taxes alone. Might as well give it to me now and save them the hassel. Sure enough they did just that AND gave me a 0.9 interest rate to boot.
For about a year I enjoyed driving that car everywhere I went. Even got it up to 135 mph on the highway once just to see what it could do. Sadly though I got rid of it. With the gas hike in 2007 I realized I really didn't need that kind of car nor the bad gas mileage it gave me.
Here I am 4 years later still craving that car. The Mazda dealership sent me a flyer in the mail yesterday and I made the mistake of logging into their website to see if they had any RX-8s in stock and sure enough they had one. It just starred at me with that pitiful look daring me to go to the dealership and buy it. Knowing I was heading down a dangerous path I quickly exited from the dealership website, but unfortunately the image is still in my head.
Out of all of the cars I have owed THAT was the one I miss the most. Bad part is I can easily afford it. I could go to the dealership now and pay them in full to own the car outright. But my will power must succeed. I am very comfortable with my current car now and have no need in getting a new one. But the human in me WANTS what it WANTS. UUGHHHHH!!!!
The main thing stopping me is that I promised my daughter that I would give her my current Nissan in 3 years (when she is ready to get her drivers license). But even she said she'd rather me get the Mazda again. Maybe she thinks she would eventually get that RX-8 in the future but hell no to that.
3 more years..... 3 more years..... 3 more years.....
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Movie Script is Born
Today I have been inspired to write another script. For years I have been sitting on a script based upon a portion of my life and have literally done nothing with it. Sure I have a manager that occasionally calls me to say there is interest but that's about it. I just do not have the energy to shop it around at this point in my life.
Since then though I have had numerous ideas for another one but put it on the back burner until I felt ready to write it. Main reason being, the script I am starting to write now is based on a true American story. Of course I am not going to reveal what the story is about here on this blog.... because that would be suicide... but I will tell you if I can do it right and capture the essence of the film then I think James Cameron would be quite interested in ripping the idea from me. Then perhaps I could sue him and get a few hundred thousand dollars.
Seriously though, I am just getting tired of sitting on this idea. The hardest part is the research and just creating a good beginning so last night I sat down and brainstormed. Suddenly an idea was born and I began writing. This will take me some time to finish I am sure (especially to get all the details right), but just starting the script has made me feel like I am on the right path. A dream of mine would be to sell this script, make some good money, and have my other scripts pushed through because of it. All it really takes is one to get you in the door.
Since then though I have had numerous ideas for another one but put it on the back burner until I felt ready to write it. Main reason being, the script I am starting to write now is based on a true American story. Of course I am not going to reveal what the story is about here on this blog.... because that would be suicide... but I will tell you if I can do it right and capture the essence of the film then I think James Cameron would be quite interested in ripping the idea from me. Then perhaps I could sue him and get a few hundred thousand dollars.
Seriously though, I am just getting tired of sitting on this idea. The hardest part is the research and just creating a good beginning so last night I sat down and brainstormed. Suddenly an idea was born and I began writing. This will take me some time to finish I am sure (especially to get all the details right), but just starting the script has made me feel like I am on the right path. A dream of mine would be to sell this script, make some good money, and have my other scripts pushed through because of it. All it really takes is one to get you in the door.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Letter to My Complex Manager
Recently I had a run-in with the security guard at my complex. Below is the actual letter that I wrote to management explaining the situation.
2/5/2011
To Management:
On the night of February 4th shortly after 10pm the security guard came to Pool #1. There were about 7 to 8 of us just sitting around talking when the Security guard told us to leave. Without anyone saying a word we got out of the pool. As we were leaving he asked who was a resident here because we should know better. This was uncalled for and extremely rude behavior on the guards part. He even accused me of having a glass at the pool even when I told him it was plastic.
As I was toweling off the guard approached me and said “If this happens again I will have to take names”. Excuse me, but if WHAT HAPPENS? All the security had to do was simply say it’s time to leave and we are always ready to. Especially at Pool #1 where we just socialize and relax. There is no need for intimidating tactics of any nature. The guard was acting like he was trying to start a fight.
This started getting the people at the pool upset, because everyone was already leaving the area and we all felt that his constant berating us was uncalled for. One person told him “He didn’t have to be a dick about it” and the security guard began following that person out of the pool area causing the resident to state “Don’t follow me”.
This is not the first time this security guard has been rude and abrupt in his tone. I am writing to inform management that this behavior by any staff is not warranted and unnecessary. I would hate for this complex (which is a nice community to live in) to end up with bad reviews and a not so favorable reputation because of the security staff. You guys have worked hard to keep this complex looking and feeling nice and comfortable to have one person throw it off balance.
I am sure you do not want your residents to feel intimated to relax at the pool and hot tub areas at all. I am afraid if this rudeness continues with your security that it will only add more conflicts in the future and could lead to police action if it ever got out of hand. I know nobody wants that.
Thank you for your attention in this matter
Jeff
Monday, February 7, 2011
Religion Smeligion....
Thought I'd start today off right with a controversial topic. RELIGION!!!! Oh, you can hear people's butts puckering already. Just the word itself can bring self proclaimed powerful people to their knees.
I am not here to bash nor endorse religion to others by any means. But something has to be said for being realistic and truthful to yourself. For instance: I am glad people have something to believe in. Can you imagine the world without fear of some supreme being that can wipe us out at any moment? It would be a million times worse than what it is now. People would raid the streets without any kind of recourse and kill anything and anyone they choose. Not to mention it brings all the whack jobs off the street at least 1 morning a week. Because face it: there are many (and I mean MANY) people in this world that only go to church because their addictions would take them over otherwise. And that is a good thing. Sex, drugs, alcohol, anger and any other kind of addiction that can possibly exist can all be tamed down if that person feels there will be a consequense to their actions. It's like the worlds biggest rehab clinic.
However, the heart of the matter is not whether it is helpful to some but how accurate it really is. I find it very strange how people can claim their religious beliefs as the one truth of life and yet not a single person in this world was alive when the ancient books were written. All people have to go on is some words written and passed down for generations. I find this very hard to believe as concrete evidence that ANY of what we have heard is fact. So this is where the "Faith" rebuttal comes in. But why is it that when it comes to the real world faith is seen as foolish but in religion it's suddenly okay? Imagine a pilot flying blindly into storm clouds telling the passengers that FAITH will see us through this. If the plane falls are we supposed to just believe that it was gods will? Now I am not suggesting a person should never do something on instinct but when it comes to patterning your life after something then I would think that FACT would have a big part into it.
Secondly, there would absolutely be so much less violence in the world if people just respected each others position on religion and not try to make THEIR'S the winning combination. Just because it may work for you and your addictions are under control doesn't mean that it will work for everyone. People are different from the clothes they wear to the places they call home. Just because one person believes that a fat little buddha figure is the answer they've been looking for doesn't mean they are any less of an intellectual human being. It's simply pathetic how far we have grown in society and yet religion is one area that people will never understand how to make peace with.
WHO CARES what your god looks like or how he makes you feel. Religion is a personal journey not a public highway. If you are preaching to the world that your religion is the only true religion then you are no better than the telemarketers that call and beg you to switch your services over to them. It's the same thing!
I am a spiritual person in my own rite. I don't go to church because I don't feel the need to. I do pray because in someways I do believe their is some sort of higher power out there, but I am not naive enough to pinpoint exactly what that is. Could be aliens for all I know. I also refuse to believe that I will be judged for the god I prayed to or the church I attended or how many people I have converted over to my way of thinking. How a person can be so ignorant to believe that those who don't believe in one thing are going to HELL is beyond me.
The fact of the matter is that religion as we know it today is a far cry from what it was originally intended to be. And right now most are just a bunch of rumors that have been spread around for thousands of years being embellished foolishly from parent to child and believed as FACT. Maybe there is a one true god, but until the day comes when I am faced with him in the afterlife I will continue to believe that my good actions in this world is what counts more than any cross, any statue or any book that I could bow to.
I am not here to bash nor endorse religion to others by any means. But something has to be said for being realistic and truthful to yourself. For instance: I am glad people have something to believe in. Can you imagine the world without fear of some supreme being that can wipe us out at any moment? It would be a million times worse than what it is now. People would raid the streets without any kind of recourse and kill anything and anyone they choose. Not to mention it brings all the whack jobs off the street at least 1 morning a week. Because face it: there are many (and I mean MANY) people in this world that only go to church because their addictions would take them over otherwise. And that is a good thing. Sex, drugs, alcohol, anger and any other kind of addiction that can possibly exist can all be tamed down if that person feels there will be a consequense to their actions. It's like the worlds biggest rehab clinic.
However, the heart of the matter is not whether it is helpful to some but how accurate it really is. I find it very strange how people can claim their religious beliefs as the one truth of life and yet not a single person in this world was alive when the ancient books were written. All people have to go on is some words written and passed down for generations. I find this very hard to believe as concrete evidence that ANY of what we have heard is fact. So this is where the "Faith" rebuttal comes in. But why is it that when it comes to the real world faith is seen as foolish but in religion it's suddenly okay? Imagine a pilot flying blindly into storm clouds telling the passengers that FAITH will see us through this. If the plane falls are we supposed to just believe that it was gods will? Now I am not suggesting a person should never do something on instinct but when it comes to patterning your life after something then I would think that FACT would have a big part into it.
Secondly, there would absolutely be so much less violence in the world if people just respected each others position on religion and not try to make THEIR'S the winning combination. Just because it may work for you and your addictions are under control doesn't mean that it will work for everyone. People are different from the clothes they wear to the places they call home. Just because one person believes that a fat little buddha figure is the answer they've been looking for doesn't mean they are any less of an intellectual human being. It's simply pathetic how far we have grown in society and yet religion is one area that people will never understand how to make peace with.
WHO CARES what your god looks like or how he makes you feel. Religion is a personal journey not a public highway. If you are preaching to the world that your religion is the only true religion then you are no better than the telemarketers that call and beg you to switch your services over to them. It's the same thing!
I am a spiritual person in my own rite. I don't go to church because I don't feel the need to. I do pray because in someways I do believe their is some sort of higher power out there, but I am not naive enough to pinpoint exactly what that is. Could be aliens for all I know. I also refuse to believe that I will be judged for the god I prayed to or the church I attended or how many people I have converted over to my way of thinking. How a person can be so ignorant to believe that those who don't believe in one thing are going to HELL is beyond me.
The fact of the matter is that religion as we know it today is a far cry from what it was originally intended to be. And right now most are just a bunch of rumors that have been spread around for thousands of years being embellished foolishly from parent to child and believed as FACT. Maybe there is a one true god, but until the day comes when I am faced with him in the afterlife I will continue to believe that my good actions in this world is what counts more than any cross, any statue or any book that I could bow to.
Falling On Deaf Ears
I have found this blog to be quite therapeutic. I started out writing to see what the future had in store for me. Perhaps once I relay the stored info of my brain to cyberspace then I could decypher the code that has been tormenting me all these years. Lately though I have found it easier to write about what is just on my mind.
Cool thing is I don't have to worry about anyone really giving a shit because I have maybe 2 people (not including my wife or myself) that actually read these blogs. So that gives me free reign I guess. Feels quite libertating.
Sometimes I have wondered why nobody else seems to care or read what I have to say... but then it hit me. WHO REALLY CARES! It's not THEIR life they are reading about so why would I expect anyone to take the time to look into it. I mean sure I have a million things in my head to say.... not to mention a world full of adventures that I am sure not very many people on this planet have experienced. But I would be naive to think that it mattered to someone else just the same as it did to me.
While I'm on this subject, "Why is it that people don't care?" I ask this in the most rudimentary way because I do the same thing. There are many times I don't take the time to see what makes others tick. Maybe that is something I should do more of. It's hard though to change who you are. I have gone through so much in my life that I could literally relate to almost anything that someone talks to me about. And it is hard to keep my mouth shut and just listen sometimes when I have a good follow up story to tell.
So I've learned to throw a bone at people to see if they bite, and if they don't then I don't mention it again. For instance: I am very proud of my travels around the world but I am also very aware of how others might perceive my enthusiasm for rubbing it in. Especially if others are not as fortunate financially as I have been. So I might throw in something about an experience I had and start it with "When I was in Spain...". If they seem interested and ask about the trip then I will talk about it but if not then it's quickly forgotten.
But to truly understand WHY I am the way I am you have to know where I am coming from. See, I don't have a "best friend" (yeah yeah boo hoo) type of person to talk with. My wife is literally the closest friend I have and I am perfectly okay with that. And to be honest I have lived so long being my own psychologist that I really don't miss having one. But every now and then it does feel good to share things to someone that is interested. Perhaps that is why I feel so artistic. It's just a way to express my feelings out without having to seek someone to listen to them. If someone is interested then they can look at my work and respond accordingly. If not then they will walk right on passed it.
I won't lie it's hard to live a life like that sometimes. I crave attention from others and want so bad to just express my feelings to everyone. But deep down inside I know that it would all be for not. What's the point? You speak your mind... someone else pretends to listen... end of story. If you continue to speak your mind about things to that person then you become a drama queen. Who needs or wants that reputation.
So, I find it easier just to be to myself. Why not... it's comfortable here in my own brain. I could easily be a hermit in life and lock myself away from anyone that isn't my immediate family and it would not bother me. Many times in the past that is exactly what I've done. Of course I would like to have friends to count on to talk with or call up out of the blue to hang out, but that hasn't happened for me. The way I see it, if nobody really cares enough to get to know me then why should I even try. I reserve my most intimate details of my life for those who want to know about it.
Cool thing is I don't have to worry about anyone really giving a shit because I have maybe 2 people (not including my wife or myself) that actually read these blogs. So that gives me free reign I guess. Feels quite libertating.
Sometimes I have wondered why nobody else seems to care or read what I have to say... but then it hit me. WHO REALLY CARES! It's not THEIR life they are reading about so why would I expect anyone to take the time to look into it. I mean sure I have a million things in my head to say.... not to mention a world full of adventures that I am sure not very many people on this planet have experienced. But I would be naive to think that it mattered to someone else just the same as it did to me.
While I'm on this subject, "Why is it that people don't care?" I ask this in the most rudimentary way because I do the same thing. There are many times I don't take the time to see what makes others tick. Maybe that is something I should do more of. It's hard though to change who you are. I have gone through so much in my life that I could literally relate to almost anything that someone talks to me about. And it is hard to keep my mouth shut and just listen sometimes when I have a good follow up story to tell.
So I've learned to throw a bone at people to see if they bite, and if they don't then I don't mention it again. For instance: I am very proud of my travels around the world but I am also very aware of how others might perceive my enthusiasm for rubbing it in. Especially if others are not as fortunate financially as I have been. So I might throw in something about an experience I had and start it with "When I was in Spain...". If they seem interested and ask about the trip then I will talk about it but if not then it's quickly forgotten.
But to truly understand WHY I am the way I am you have to know where I am coming from. See, I don't have a "best friend" (yeah yeah boo hoo) type of person to talk with. My wife is literally the closest friend I have and I am perfectly okay with that. And to be honest I have lived so long being my own psychologist that I really don't miss having one. But every now and then it does feel good to share things to someone that is interested. Perhaps that is why I feel so artistic. It's just a way to express my feelings out without having to seek someone to listen to them. If someone is interested then they can look at my work and respond accordingly. If not then they will walk right on passed it.
I won't lie it's hard to live a life like that sometimes. I crave attention from others and want so bad to just express my feelings to everyone. But deep down inside I know that it would all be for not. What's the point? You speak your mind... someone else pretends to listen... end of story. If you continue to speak your mind about things to that person then you become a drama queen. Who needs or wants that reputation.
So, I find it easier just to be to myself. Why not... it's comfortable here in my own brain. I could easily be a hermit in life and lock myself away from anyone that isn't my immediate family and it would not bother me. Many times in the past that is exactly what I've done. Of course I would like to have friends to count on to talk with or call up out of the blue to hang out, but that hasn't happened for me. The way I see it, if nobody really cares enough to get to know me then why should I even try. I reserve my most intimate details of my life for those who want to know about it.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Why Am I Addicted to My Smart Phone?
A few days ago, as mentioned in a previous blog, I dropped my Palm Pre in the hottub. It was out of warranty so I had to get a new phone. I got on the Sprint website, found the new EVO phone at a good price and waited 2 days for shipping.
It arrived today and I couldn't have been happier. I quickly called up Sprint to activate it and they told me they will add a $10 premium data charge to my bill EVERY MONTH. What? I asked why and they stated they are doing that on ALL smart phone that have been added after January 30th.
So I asked what if I bought an old Palm Pre from ebay and added the phone and they stated it would still have an extra $10 charge. Why? I would be switching out a Palm Pre for the same Palm Pre, how can that add a fee to my bill?
So I did some thinking, "Do I REALLY need a smart phone" and thought back on how much I actually use the web and email function and how much was for personal and how much for business use. I realized in fact I did not need the smart phone after all. After doing some refiguring on my bill I found if I downgraded my phone to a non smart phone (like a Rant or Seek) then I could actually save $65 A MONTH on my cell phone bill. That's $780 a year!!!!
I was instantly sold, and after telling my wife she also was onboard with downgrading her phone so we could take advantage of downgrading off the data plan as well. We got on the internet, found the phone we wanted and now are ready to get the "brand new" downgraded phone tomorrow. But then it hits me... I am going to really miss using my phone.
A part of me wants to downgrade to save the $780 a year and show Sprint where to stick it. I mean I am basically doing this because of them initially trying to charge me the $10 more a month. For every customer that does what I am thinking of doing Sprint would have to have 7 people on board with the $10 upgraded fee to make up for it. However, the other part of me wonders how I am going to get through without being able to check my email on my phone when I'm away from the house, or check the sports scores for my favorite team.
Am I really that addicted to my phone now that makes it almost impossible to regress back? Have we gone so far in our technology that having a smart phone is the norm? 10 years ago I barely even owned a cell phone and here I am now acting as though I will be living out of a paper bag without one that has internet.
Maybe this is just the beginning of reevaluating what is necessary and what is not needed in my life. Perhaps others will soon follow suit and realize they too are spending way too much on gadgets that they have been tricked into believing were necessities.
All I know is tomorrow I am going to downgrade my phone. Whether the world will end because of it is all up to the universe.
It arrived today and I couldn't have been happier. I quickly called up Sprint to activate it and they told me they will add a $10 premium data charge to my bill EVERY MONTH. What? I asked why and they stated they are doing that on ALL smart phone that have been added after January 30th.
So I asked what if I bought an old Palm Pre from ebay and added the phone and they stated it would still have an extra $10 charge. Why? I would be switching out a Palm Pre for the same Palm Pre, how can that add a fee to my bill?
So I did some thinking, "Do I REALLY need a smart phone" and thought back on how much I actually use the web and email function and how much was for personal and how much for business use. I realized in fact I did not need the smart phone after all. After doing some refiguring on my bill I found if I downgraded my phone to a non smart phone (like a Rant or Seek) then I could actually save $65 A MONTH on my cell phone bill. That's $780 a year!!!!
I was instantly sold, and after telling my wife she also was onboard with downgrading her phone so we could take advantage of downgrading off the data plan as well. We got on the internet, found the phone we wanted and now are ready to get the "brand new" downgraded phone tomorrow. But then it hits me... I am going to really miss using my phone.
A part of me wants to downgrade to save the $780 a year and show Sprint where to stick it. I mean I am basically doing this because of them initially trying to charge me the $10 more a month. For every customer that does what I am thinking of doing Sprint would have to have 7 people on board with the $10 upgraded fee to make up for it. However, the other part of me wonders how I am going to get through without being able to check my email on my phone when I'm away from the house, or check the sports scores for my favorite team.
Am I really that addicted to my phone now that makes it almost impossible to regress back? Have we gone so far in our technology that having a smart phone is the norm? 10 years ago I barely even owned a cell phone and here I am now acting as though I will be living out of a paper bag without one that has internet.
Maybe this is just the beginning of reevaluating what is necessary and what is not needed in my life. Perhaps others will soon follow suit and realize they too are spending way too much on gadgets that they have been tricked into believing were necessities.
All I know is tomorrow I am going to downgrade my phone. Whether the world will end because of it is all up to the universe.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Are You Consumed By Negativity?
My cell phone drowned today. I would like to call it a suicide attempt but really I just forgot it was in my swimsuit pocket. It was dark, I had other things on my mind, and well face it... I was just negligent. I'm such a bad user I know. Funny thing is I've been meaning to get a new cell phone anyway. Which made me think about how things happen for a reason.
So many times we focus on the negative things in life and not enough on everything else. For instance: a person wakes up late because their alarm didn't go off. Suddenly, they are rushing around to get ready and everything that could go wrong actually starts to. The toaster burns your bread; you spill jelly on your shirt; your gas tank reads empty on the way to work and so on. Before you know it you are blaming everything you go through on having a bad day. But in reality it's not the day that has gone sour but your way of thinking.
There are many times in life when you stub your toe, drop something on the floor or forget your keys and you think nothing of it. You simply just shake it off and go on your way. But when they happen in a row suddenly you become so aware of it that you let the rest of the day be ruined by your negative thoughts. That not only effects you but others around you.
The key is to recognize when these toughts start to enter your mind and to find a way to change them immediately. If you left your lunch at home, don't dwell on the fact that you are miserable but think of a way to get around it and move on. If you begin to notice a few bad things in a row then start to focus on what good things happened that day (or even near misses that you escaped from). Don't focus on the coffee you spilt but perhaps the near accident that you eluded on the way to work. Maybe next time when your alarm doesn't sound and you end up late to work you can be relieved that you made it there safe without even a speeding ticket on your record. Or if you did get a speeding ticket it was to warn you to slow down because an accident was just ahead.
It's these simple ways that can change your perspective from a dreaded "get out of my way" day to a more pleasant one. Not only will you start to see the stress lifted from your life but others will notice the change in you as well.
So many times we focus on the negative things in life and not enough on everything else. For instance: a person wakes up late because their alarm didn't go off. Suddenly, they are rushing around to get ready and everything that could go wrong actually starts to. The toaster burns your bread; you spill jelly on your shirt; your gas tank reads empty on the way to work and so on. Before you know it you are blaming everything you go through on having a bad day. But in reality it's not the day that has gone sour but your way of thinking.
There are many times in life when you stub your toe, drop something on the floor or forget your keys and you think nothing of it. You simply just shake it off and go on your way. But when they happen in a row suddenly you become so aware of it that you let the rest of the day be ruined by your negative thoughts. That not only effects you but others around you.
The key is to recognize when these toughts start to enter your mind and to find a way to change them immediately. If you left your lunch at home, don't dwell on the fact that you are miserable but think of a way to get around it and move on. If you begin to notice a few bad things in a row then start to focus on what good things happened that day (or even near misses that you escaped from). Don't focus on the coffee you spilt but perhaps the near accident that you eluded on the way to work. Maybe next time when your alarm doesn't sound and you end up late to work you can be relieved that you made it there safe without even a speeding ticket on your record. Or if you did get a speeding ticket it was to warn you to slow down because an accident was just ahead.
It's these simple ways that can change your perspective from a dreaded "get out of my way" day to a more pleasant one. Not only will you start to see the stress lifted from your life but others will notice the change in you as well.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Valentine's Day Poem (circa 2000)
With this being the month of Valentine's Day I thought I would share a poem I wrote 11 years ago. It was a special day when I wrote this because we were on the verge of knowing whether our second child was going to be a girl or a boy. Man, how time flies!
FIRST LOOK
From that first look in your eyes
My heart melted inside
'Cause I knew you were the only one;
With one look at your face
Such beauty and grace
My search for love was done.
When I first felt your hair
How will I ever dare
Ask for your hand in mine;
But as time grew on
And our love got strong
I knew it was finally time.
As we walked the isle
It seemed like a mile
Before we vowed to be king and queen;
Still to this day
I pinch myself and say
"Thank God it wasn't only a dream."
With one look at your smile
My emotions went wild
When the next step finally came;
We brought into this world
A beautiful baby girl
And we gave her the perfect name.
Now at the dawn of the day
We'll find out either way
What our next angel will be;
Whether a girl or boy
My heart is filled with joy
Knowing only time will see.
Through all the trials of life
You'll always be my wife
No matter what else is to come our way;
As time sees us through
I'll always love you
And make everyday Valentine's Day.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
For Those Stuck in Egypt
After seeing all the demostrations going on in Egypt I can't help but feel for the people going through this ordeal. I also can only imagine what the American tourists and businessmen are going through as well.
Not too long ago I went to Egypt for an extended trip. During my stay I went all along the Nile river between Cairo, Giza, Alexandria, Luxor, Aswan and Abu Simbel. The time spent there was simply mind blowing in regards to their culture and the ancient ruins. Not to mention the people there were very friendly. I absolutely had no problems walking around the streets to get a first hand feel of living in Egypt.
With that said, there were times in Cairo when it was advisable to take a guide around the city due to the crazy day to day chaos of people on the streets and in their cars. We relied on tour guides for several days to get us to Alexandria from Cairo and to the Pyramids... as well as to Abu Simbel from Aswan and around the Valley of the Kings in Luxor. If it was THAT difficult for a tourist to get around Egypt during normal times then I can only imagine the chaos felt right now for the Americans that are stuck in their hotels not being able to enjoy their time away. And feeling fearful for what events that might unfold.
So this blog is dedicated to hoping that peace is sulidified in Egypt soon and that all people (Egyptian and foreigners alike) are able to get through this trying time unharmed.
Not too long ago I went to Egypt for an extended trip. During my stay I went all along the Nile river between Cairo, Giza, Alexandria, Luxor, Aswan and Abu Simbel. The time spent there was simply mind blowing in regards to their culture and the ancient ruins. Not to mention the people there were very friendly. I absolutely had no problems walking around the streets to get a first hand feel of living in Egypt.
With that said, there were times in Cairo when it was advisable to take a guide around the city due to the crazy day to day chaos of people on the streets and in their cars. We relied on tour guides for several days to get us to Alexandria from Cairo and to the Pyramids... as well as to Abu Simbel from Aswan and around the Valley of the Kings in Luxor. If it was THAT difficult for a tourist to get around Egypt during normal times then I can only imagine the chaos felt right now for the Americans that are stuck in their hotels not being able to enjoy their time away. And feeling fearful for what events that might unfold.
So this blog is dedicated to hoping that peace is sulidified in Egypt soon and that all people (Egyptian and foreigners alike) are able to get through this trying time unharmed.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I'm An Asshole
There are not many things in life that I wish I could have changed. No matter how bad I had it growing up sometimes I realize that those events needed to happen in the way it happened for me to be who I am now. You take away even one of them and who knows where I would be. I have however done a few things that looking back I feel sorry for.
I have always been a person that craves people liking him. I hate it when someone ignores me and I have absolutely no reason why. I also hate it when I know I did something to someone and apologized for it but they won't forgive me. It is just in my nature to be friends then make enemies. Hell, even most of the people I got in fights with growing up I was cool with them afterwards. I think one reason why is because I don't really hold grudges too long and I am not afraid to say that I was wrong.
One instance though continues to haunt me. I know it's trivial and many would think WHAT THE HELL, but seriously it does because I think it still effects the person today. And this goes a looooong way back to my Junior High days. I told you it was crazy!
In 8th grade I met a girl on the bus. She was a stunning Mexican-American girl in the 7th grade named Marisa Sarabia. I was taken by her immediately. I tried to talk with her a few times but quickly realized that she was the shy artist type. So I did what any red blooded, horny teenager would do. I wrote her a poem. My first ever.... Yes it was pretty bad. But when I gave it to her it broke the ice and shortly afterwards we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
I still remember the day when I got off at her stop (which was near my house but a mile down the road). She would not let me leave. She followed me half way to my house until I gave her a first kiss. I knew then that she was completely infatuated with the thought of us together and I knew she was something special. Unfortunately for me I was 13, cute and had friends who I thought I needed to be a playa around. So after awhile I broke it off with her. Honestly, I don't even remember how I did it, or what sparked the notion. All I remember is it happened.
Later in the year (a few girlfriends later) I started to realize how I really liked Marisa and how stupid I was before. So I asked her to be my girlfriend again and she accepted. We dated again for sometime but once school was over and the summer came by I broke it off once again. Why? Because I was stupid enough to think that I didn't want a girlfriend during the summer. *Hits self on head* "Idiot!!"
So the summer came and gone and I started my freshman year at High School. Unlike the year before when I saw her all the time in school, this time I only saw her at her bus stop in the afternoon. I got off around her bus stop one time and went to her house. I can't remember if I met her outdoors or if I actually knocked on her door but I do remember it started to rain and we were catching up outside. Suddenly the moment struck me and I got down on my knees and asked her out again. A THIRD TIME!!!! IN THE RAIN!!!! And for the third time she accepted. I felt like a romantic juggernaut at that point. And I left home feeling on top of the world. But not 30 minutes later my ego took control and I realized.... I'm in High School... she's still in Junior High... how is this gonna work. So I went up to my room, picked up the phone, and told her that I was not serious. OMG, who does that!!!! I guess I do. I mean I really did like her and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my girlfriend, but I was just too dumb to realize it then I guess. I could blame it on my dad for being a deadbeat and not teaching me anything, or my friends, but why.
It was pretty much over with after that. I hardly ever saw her the rest of the year and by the following year (when she made it to High School herself) she started dating another guy and didn't want anything to do with me. I still felt bad. I hated what I did to her and it hurt me double because I knew I was probably her first boyfriend and I messed with her head.
I know what you are thinking again. So what, she was what 12.. 13? She'll get over it. Well perhaps, but it doesn't stop there.
My junior year my family moved from Houston to Missouri. There I ended up finishing my last 2 years of school but I was tired of meeting new people. So I kept to myself a lot. My Senior year I had a crazy auto accident (one in which I should have died from) and I walked away without a scratch. Shortly after I started to miss Houston and wanted desperately to go back at any cost. In the middle of this obsession was... you guessed it... Marisa. I started writing her initials on my backpack just to see what it looked like. And soon enough I had the itch to talk to her again. Problem was I couldn't find her phone # anywhere. So, I got a hold of a person I knew at my old school to look in the school records for it (since my friend helped out in the office area) and I called her. Somehow, someway she actually talked to me again. Realizing phone calls were going to cost a fortune we began writing letters back and forth.
At first it started off friendly with normal talk but before long I started telling her that I missed her. And then my obsession took over completely when I said I was planning on going to college in Houston and we can see about picking things up again between us. I know right.. I mean how many times am I going to do this to her. I knew she liked the thought of it as well but this time she didn't get caught up in it all. She simply told me "We'll see what happens". Well, I couldn't wait to find a way back to her. A part of me wasn't sure if it was truly her or just the reason to go back to my home town. All I knew is I thought I was in love with her.
Until..... a week before graduation. I met another girl (the person that I am married to today). And suddenly my priorities changed. I wrote another letter to Marisa telling her I am not coming to Houston afterall. This time I actually felt bad for what I did to her. Here I was writing her over and over again that I wanted to be with her and giving her hopes up AGAIN and again I screw it all up.
Now, I can't complain one bit about how my life has turned out. I am 100% happy with my family... my place in life and where I am going. But it doesn't change how aweful I feel about what I did.
I tried to contact her a few times while in college and even was able to make it down to Texas twice to see her (she met my wife as well). But apparently the past just became too much and she stopped answering my phone calls. Once I got through with a different number she probably didn't recognize but quickly told me she couldn't talk. That was the last time I spoke with her (probably 6 years ago).
I often wonder why I have this need to contact her again. Is it to make myself feel better or perhaps my need to not have enemies. I don't know. Really, all I want to do is just make it right. Before I thought that meant showing her that I wanted to be with her. But now I realize I just needed to be a friend. Hopefully one day I'll get that chance again to be just that.
I have always been a person that craves people liking him. I hate it when someone ignores me and I have absolutely no reason why. I also hate it when I know I did something to someone and apologized for it but they won't forgive me. It is just in my nature to be friends then make enemies. Hell, even most of the people I got in fights with growing up I was cool with them afterwards. I think one reason why is because I don't really hold grudges too long and I am not afraid to say that I was wrong.
One instance though continues to haunt me. I know it's trivial and many would think WHAT THE HELL, but seriously it does because I think it still effects the person today. And this goes a looooong way back to my Junior High days. I told you it was crazy!
In 8th grade I met a girl on the bus. She was a stunning Mexican-American girl in the 7th grade named Marisa Sarabia. I was taken by her immediately. I tried to talk with her a few times but quickly realized that she was the shy artist type. So I did what any red blooded, horny teenager would do. I wrote her a poem. My first ever.... Yes it was pretty bad. But when I gave it to her it broke the ice and shortly afterwards we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
I still remember the day when I got off at her stop (which was near my house but a mile down the road). She would not let me leave. She followed me half way to my house until I gave her a first kiss. I knew then that she was completely infatuated with the thought of us together and I knew she was something special. Unfortunately for me I was 13, cute and had friends who I thought I needed to be a playa around. So after awhile I broke it off with her. Honestly, I don't even remember how I did it, or what sparked the notion. All I remember is it happened.
Later in the year (a few girlfriends later) I started to realize how I really liked Marisa and how stupid I was before. So I asked her to be my girlfriend again and she accepted. We dated again for sometime but once school was over and the summer came by I broke it off once again. Why? Because I was stupid enough to think that I didn't want a girlfriend during the summer. *Hits self on head* "Idiot!!"
So the summer came and gone and I started my freshman year at High School. Unlike the year before when I saw her all the time in school, this time I only saw her at her bus stop in the afternoon. I got off around her bus stop one time and went to her house. I can't remember if I met her outdoors or if I actually knocked on her door but I do remember it started to rain and we were catching up outside. Suddenly the moment struck me and I got down on my knees and asked her out again. A THIRD TIME!!!! IN THE RAIN!!!! And for the third time she accepted. I felt like a romantic juggernaut at that point. And I left home feeling on top of the world. But not 30 minutes later my ego took control and I realized.... I'm in High School... she's still in Junior High... how is this gonna work. So I went up to my room, picked up the phone, and told her that I was not serious. OMG, who does that!!!! I guess I do. I mean I really did like her and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my girlfriend, but I was just too dumb to realize it then I guess. I could blame it on my dad for being a deadbeat and not teaching me anything, or my friends, but why.
It was pretty much over with after that. I hardly ever saw her the rest of the year and by the following year (when she made it to High School herself) she started dating another guy and didn't want anything to do with me. I still felt bad. I hated what I did to her and it hurt me double because I knew I was probably her first boyfriend and I messed with her head.
I know what you are thinking again. So what, she was what 12.. 13? She'll get over it. Well perhaps, but it doesn't stop there.
My junior year my family moved from Houston to Missouri. There I ended up finishing my last 2 years of school but I was tired of meeting new people. So I kept to myself a lot. My Senior year I had a crazy auto accident (one in which I should have died from) and I walked away without a scratch. Shortly after I started to miss Houston and wanted desperately to go back at any cost. In the middle of this obsession was... you guessed it... Marisa. I started writing her initials on my backpack just to see what it looked like. And soon enough I had the itch to talk to her again. Problem was I couldn't find her phone # anywhere. So, I got a hold of a person I knew at my old school to look in the school records for it (since my friend helped out in the office area) and I called her. Somehow, someway she actually talked to me again. Realizing phone calls were going to cost a fortune we began writing letters back and forth.
At first it started off friendly with normal talk but before long I started telling her that I missed her. And then my obsession took over completely when I said I was planning on going to college in Houston and we can see about picking things up again between us. I know right.. I mean how many times am I going to do this to her. I knew she liked the thought of it as well but this time she didn't get caught up in it all. She simply told me "We'll see what happens". Well, I couldn't wait to find a way back to her. A part of me wasn't sure if it was truly her or just the reason to go back to my home town. All I knew is I thought I was in love with her.
Until..... a week before graduation. I met another girl (the person that I am married to today). And suddenly my priorities changed. I wrote another letter to Marisa telling her I am not coming to Houston afterall. This time I actually felt bad for what I did to her. Here I was writing her over and over again that I wanted to be with her and giving her hopes up AGAIN and again I screw it all up.
Now, I can't complain one bit about how my life has turned out. I am 100% happy with my family... my place in life and where I am going. But it doesn't change how aweful I feel about what I did.
I tried to contact her a few times while in college and even was able to make it down to Texas twice to see her (she met my wife as well). But apparently the past just became too much and she stopped answering my phone calls. Once I got through with a different number she probably didn't recognize but quickly told me she couldn't talk. That was the last time I spoke with her (probably 6 years ago).
I often wonder why I have this need to contact her again. Is it to make myself feel better or perhaps my need to not have enemies. I don't know. Really, all I want to do is just make it right. Before I thought that meant showing her that I wanted to be with her. But now I realize I just needed to be a friend. Hopefully one day I'll get that chance again to be just that.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
10 Years From Now...
Where do I see myself 10 years from now? That is really a tough question to answer. I know where I'd LIKE to be but to honestly say where do I think I WILL be is more difficult than it looks.
If I was asked that same question 15 years ago I would absolutely have no clue. At that time I was a freshman in college studying to become an art major. That notion quickly left me as I realized I didn't want to spend 2-3 hours a day taking art classes when I could simply work on my art in my own time.
Ten years ago I was 6 months into my internet phase and probably would have stated a dot com guru. Someone that makes a fortune with an internet site and then is set for the rest of his life. But that never stayed with me either. I liked the ease of being at home but computers was just not expressive enough for me. I needed something much more than that.
Five years ago I would have said being a well paid actor. Because lets face it who hasn't thought about wanting to be on tv. I had my time in the spotlight and still consider this to be a valid option if the right opportunities present themselves. But actually, I grew tired of the day to day routine of the entertainment business. Now I love being on set, playing characters that I made up as a child, and to some degree being noticed for what I do, but I didn't care for the industry itself at times. Hollywood is a lot of "what have you done for me" kind of town.
So with all that in mind, I would like to say that I would be a well paid photographer in 10 years time. Even though I am already going on trips and taking photos I would eventually like to be fully paid to do that in the future.
I would also like to get a full on gallery of my work set up. Over the past few years I have put together a decent amount of my photographs and artwork to put my work up for display, but I have no real clue or direction on how to get from A to B. So in the mean time I just keep collecting what I have in hopes one day it will just hit me. Maybe I will run into a person that can show me the basics or maybe I'll just wake up and realize THAT is my next step in life. Either way, in 10 years, it would be interesting to reflect back on this blog and see how true it turns out to be.
If I was asked that same question 15 years ago I would absolutely have no clue. At that time I was a freshman in college studying to become an art major. That notion quickly left me as I realized I didn't want to spend 2-3 hours a day taking art classes when I could simply work on my art in my own time.
Ten years ago I was 6 months into my internet phase and probably would have stated a dot com guru. Someone that makes a fortune with an internet site and then is set for the rest of his life. But that never stayed with me either. I liked the ease of being at home but computers was just not expressive enough for me. I needed something much more than that.
Five years ago I would have said being a well paid actor. Because lets face it who hasn't thought about wanting to be on tv. I had my time in the spotlight and still consider this to be a valid option if the right opportunities present themselves. But actually, I grew tired of the day to day routine of the entertainment business. Now I love being on set, playing characters that I made up as a child, and to some degree being noticed for what I do, but I didn't care for the industry itself at times. Hollywood is a lot of "what have you done for me" kind of town.
So with all that in mind, I would like to say that I would be a well paid photographer in 10 years time. Even though I am already going on trips and taking photos I would eventually like to be fully paid to do that in the future.
I would also like to get a full on gallery of my work set up. Over the past few years I have put together a decent amount of my photographs and artwork to put my work up for display, but I have no real clue or direction on how to get from A to B. So in the mean time I just keep collecting what I have in hopes one day it will just hit me. Maybe I will run into a person that can show me the basics or maybe I'll just wake up and realize THAT is my next step in life. Either way, in 10 years, it would be interesting to reflect back on this blog and see how true it turns out to be.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Unfinished Business in France
Here I am contemplanting my 2012 trip. Yes I know it's early but in order to get the best prices for plane tickets you have to plan ahead. My options are narrowed down to 3: Australia and New Zealand as one; South America as two or back to Europe as the third.
After this year in China I will have officially touched down in 4 continents (North America of course, Europe, Africa and Asia). I say officially because technically I already hit Asia when I went to Istanbul in 2009. Istanbul if you don't already know (*history lesson about to start*) is the only city in the world that is split by two continents. Europe and Asia. But I don't like to count it because it was only for a few hours. It's like crossing the border of Utah and stepping on the ground just to say you've been there.
Anyhow, this leaves me with only 3 continents left (if you include Antarctica which hopefully I can visit sometime as well). Intially I am drawn to South America for several reasons. It's completely different than any other place I've been, the nice beach weather of Rio de Janeiro and the mystical features of the Mayan temple of Machu Picchu in Cuzco Peru. There is just something about visiting Machu Picchu in the same year that possibly the Mayans thought the world was going to end. I also want to see Buenos Aires and learn how to tango from the source.
Australia and New Zealand seems like a fun trip but it's missing the history for me. I think it may be better suited for when I am older and can appreciate the scenery better.
And Europe would consist of Lisbon Portugal, Barcelona Spain, Nice France (and the French Riviera), Prague Czech Republic, and possible Berlin Germany. Even though I have been to Europe 5 times already I have some unfinished business there.
Two years ago I took a trip. My plan was to spend 2 1/2 weeks traveling around Spain (Madrid, Seville, Toledo, Grenada, Barcelona) and finishing up in Southern France (Nice, Eze, Monte Carlo). The first few days were great. I got to see Madrid for the 2nd time and visit Toledo. But the day I was supposed to leave for Seville I had my camera stolen (my main and my backup). As a photographer you can understand that this was devastating to me. Without going into too much detail it was taken while I was eating at a restaurant. Funny thing is nobody claims they saw anyone around me who may have taken my bag.
I looked around for another camera but not only were they expensive as hell but the exchange rate from USD to Euros was pathetic. I decided just to cut my loses and shorten my trip. I contacted the airline (which took all day at the airport) and was able to reschedule my flight leaving back to home a week earlier. Only problem was it still left out of Nice France so I had to make my way there, otherwise I would have had to pay $1000 for another one way ticket. BS on that.
After another day in Madrid (due to missing my train) I decided to take a bus to Grenada. There I already had a flight set up to go to Barcelona so I skipped Seville completely and went that route. A few days there was beautiful and tortorous because I did not have a camera to capture it all, but I managed. After that I caught my original flight to Barcelona and had only a few hours to walk around before my evening flight to Nice France. I got a decent look at it and tried to soak in as much as I could. In Nice I was able to spend a whole day there in the city but didn't have enough time to check all the surrounding areas before my flight home.
So here I am roughly 16 months later and I really want to go back to Barcelona and Nice to complete that trip with pictures. So I am torn between going to Europe for the 6th time in 5 years or hitting another continent like South America. I think I am partial to Europe but I guess we'll have to wait and see.
After this year in China I will have officially touched down in 4 continents (North America of course, Europe, Africa and Asia). I say officially because technically I already hit Asia when I went to Istanbul in 2009. Istanbul if you don't already know (*history lesson about to start*) is the only city in the world that is split by two continents. Europe and Asia. But I don't like to count it because it was only for a few hours. It's like crossing the border of Utah and stepping on the ground just to say you've been there.
Anyhow, this leaves me with only 3 continents left (if you include Antarctica which hopefully I can visit sometime as well). Intially I am drawn to South America for several reasons. It's completely different than any other place I've been, the nice beach weather of Rio de Janeiro and the mystical features of the Mayan temple of Machu Picchu in Cuzco Peru. There is just something about visiting Machu Picchu in the same year that possibly the Mayans thought the world was going to end. I also want to see Buenos Aires and learn how to tango from the source.
Australia and New Zealand seems like a fun trip but it's missing the history for me. I think it may be better suited for when I am older and can appreciate the scenery better.
And Europe would consist of Lisbon Portugal, Barcelona Spain, Nice France (and the French Riviera), Prague Czech Republic, and possible Berlin Germany. Even though I have been to Europe 5 times already I have some unfinished business there.
Two years ago I took a trip. My plan was to spend 2 1/2 weeks traveling around Spain (Madrid, Seville, Toledo, Grenada, Barcelona) and finishing up in Southern France (Nice, Eze, Monte Carlo). The first few days were great. I got to see Madrid for the 2nd time and visit Toledo. But the day I was supposed to leave for Seville I had my camera stolen (my main and my backup). As a photographer you can understand that this was devastating to me. Without going into too much detail it was taken while I was eating at a restaurant. Funny thing is nobody claims they saw anyone around me who may have taken my bag.
I looked around for another camera but not only were they expensive as hell but the exchange rate from USD to Euros was pathetic. I decided just to cut my loses and shorten my trip. I contacted the airline (which took all day at the airport) and was able to reschedule my flight leaving back to home a week earlier. Only problem was it still left out of Nice France so I had to make my way there, otherwise I would have had to pay $1000 for another one way ticket. BS on that.
After another day in Madrid (due to missing my train) I decided to take a bus to Grenada. There I already had a flight set up to go to Barcelona so I skipped Seville completely and went that route. A few days there was beautiful and tortorous because I did not have a camera to capture it all, but I managed. After that I caught my original flight to Barcelona and had only a few hours to walk around before my evening flight to Nice France. I got a decent look at it and tried to soak in as much as I could. In Nice I was able to spend a whole day there in the city but didn't have enough time to check all the surrounding areas before my flight home.
So here I am roughly 16 months later and I really want to go back to Barcelona and Nice to complete that trip with pictures. So I am torn between going to Europe for the 6th time in 5 years or hitting another continent like South America. I think I am partial to Europe but I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"A Life Lost"
Today I've been in a solemn mood. Usually when this happens I like to explore it with my writing. Below is a poem I wrote just a few moments ago dealing with the eventual loss of a loved one.
Eternal Slumber
The pain runs too deep inside as I try to hide my emotions from you. If only you knew the scars of my soul then perhaps you wouldn’t be so bold; leaving me out in the cold. My heart is frozen in time as I try to unwind this sickening feeling that has me twisted and reeling around. Alas you are nowhere to be found.
Countless nights I’ve spent trying to muster up the courage to see you once more. My hand is on the door ready to take on the day that has forever left me astray. I can’t explain the reasons away but only hope that you’re not gone to stay.
I keep hoping that you will continue to fight for our love that has suddenly lost its sight. Holding on a little longer as we prove to each other that we are stronger than what others have perceived us to be. It hurts every second you ignore my cries wishing you would get up and realize what you are doing to me. For without you I can never be free.
No matter how long it takes for your love to return I will wait for you. Slowly going insane as my life withers away. If it takes a thousand years for you to reappear into my life then I’ll be here. Waiting patiently by your bedside hoping you will open your eyes one more time.
Apple Truly Doesn't Fall Far...
So my daughter wants to be an actor... just like her dad. I figured this day would come eventually.
When she was 5 I got her first headshots done. Shortly after that my manager sent her out on a few auditions and she landed a print ad right away. She had so much fun on that shoot as it was at the beach. She was spoiled all day long with whatever she wanted. There were two people there waiting on her every need and she had all the food she could want. Best part was she was paid a nice amount for it... at 5 years old can you believe it? Funny part was so many people thaught she was Dakota Fanning (or maybe her younger sister) because she looked so similar to her in person.
She got some more auditions for HBO and for the Pirates of the Caribbean 2 movie but didn't land either one. After awhile I started noticing that she was more interested in going out to eat or to the store after the audition then the actual audition itself. So I gave her a break. I figured she now has a taste of it and if she wanted to later she could pick it up again. But even though I wasn't submitting her out for roles I did cast her twice in two of my films I directed. She had a speaking line in each and had a fun time with it.
Fast forward to 2010 at age 12. She is watching the Disney channel and suddenly she starts to ask questions about the acting world. I think she is getting star struck with the characters on tv and remembers doing some of the same things years before. I ask her if she would be interested in auditioning again and she quickly replies yes. So I talked with the director of a film I was doing and she was able to walk on for a day and have a small role in it. She did such a good job of paying attention but I noticed she really wasn't into it that much. I think it was because she didn't have a scripted speaking line and she was there for several hours. I told her sometimes you have days like that and suddenly I saw the sparkle leave her eyes.
I thought I was done with that conversation until just two days ago. I enrolled my son in baseball for the Spring and he had his first tryout last Saturday. Jealous that he was doing something he wanted to do she asked if she could do something as well, so I gave her a booklet that showed different activities in our area and told her to find what she wanted. Within moments she comes back with, "How about this acting class for film and television?" Yup, I knew it was in her blood again.
So today, I took her to her first class. It wasn't that elaborate because it was mainly for 7-13 year olds learning the basics but I figured it was just what she needed to see if she wanted to continue this for the future. Actually some kids were so hyper-active that I thought maybe it was for kids with ADD. I could invision their parents dropping them off for 1 1/2 hours there so they could have a break. But right before class started a few kids her age started showing up and I began to feel better, and after the first 20 minutes I felt sold on the class myself. I figured even if she didn't want to continue acting at least she will be able to losen up a bit and learn to be a bit more open-minded. (Not to get off the subject but a few months ago my daughter called her brother "open-minded" because she thought it meant stupid. I thought that was funny).
Anyhow, after class I asked her what she thought and you could just see the elation on her face that she was coming back next week. So I took out my credit card and paid for her 2 month class.
I am actually excited for her. I don't want to predict how the future will go but I think this is an area that she can excel in if she lets it. I don't even care if she gets any paid jobs right now... only that she is able to experience this for herself. Best of all is this was something SHE chose. I never understood the parents that FORCE their kids to act. I mean why take the fun out of it?
I can see my artistic vision in her brain already. She loves drawing and does very good at it. She also has been learning photography and she got a calligraphy set for Christmas. Now acting. I'm already proud of her... but I'm also proud of myself for knowing I have taught her well.
When she was 5 I got her first headshots done. Shortly after that my manager sent her out on a few auditions and she landed a print ad right away. She had so much fun on that shoot as it was at the beach. She was spoiled all day long with whatever she wanted. There were two people there waiting on her every need and she had all the food she could want. Best part was she was paid a nice amount for it... at 5 years old can you believe it? Funny part was so many people thaught she was Dakota Fanning (or maybe her younger sister) because she looked so similar to her in person.
She got some more auditions for HBO and for the Pirates of the Caribbean 2 movie but didn't land either one. After awhile I started noticing that she was more interested in going out to eat or to the store after the audition then the actual audition itself. So I gave her a break. I figured she now has a taste of it and if she wanted to later she could pick it up again. But even though I wasn't submitting her out for roles I did cast her twice in two of my films I directed. She had a speaking line in each and had a fun time with it.
Fast forward to 2010 at age 12. She is watching the Disney channel and suddenly she starts to ask questions about the acting world. I think she is getting star struck with the characters on tv and remembers doing some of the same things years before. I ask her if she would be interested in auditioning again and she quickly replies yes. So I talked with the director of a film I was doing and she was able to walk on for a day and have a small role in it. She did such a good job of paying attention but I noticed she really wasn't into it that much. I think it was because she didn't have a scripted speaking line and she was there for several hours. I told her sometimes you have days like that and suddenly I saw the sparkle leave her eyes.
I thought I was done with that conversation until just two days ago. I enrolled my son in baseball for the Spring and he had his first tryout last Saturday. Jealous that he was doing something he wanted to do she asked if she could do something as well, so I gave her a booklet that showed different activities in our area and told her to find what she wanted. Within moments she comes back with, "How about this acting class for film and television?" Yup, I knew it was in her blood again.
So today, I took her to her first class. It wasn't that elaborate because it was mainly for 7-13 year olds learning the basics but I figured it was just what she needed to see if she wanted to continue this for the future. Actually some kids were so hyper-active that I thought maybe it was for kids with ADD. I could invision their parents dropping them off for 1 1/2 hours there so they could have a break. But right before class started a few kids her age started showing up and I began to feel better, and after the first 20 minutes I felt sold on the class myself. I figured even if she didn't want to continue acting at least she will be able to losen up a bit and learn to be a bit more open-minded. (Not to get off the subject but a few months ago my daughter called her brother "open-minded" because she thought it meant stupid. I thought that was funny).
Anyhow, after class I asked her what she thought and you could just see the elation on her face that she was coming back next week. So I took out my credit card and paid for her 2 month class.
I am actually excited for her. I don't want to predict how the future will go but I think this is an area that she can excel in if she lets it. I don't even care if she gets any paid jobs right now... only that she is able to experience this for herself. Best of all is this was something SHE chose. I never understood the parents that FORCE their kids to act. I mean why take the fun out of it?
I can see my artistic vision in her brain already. She loves drawing and does very good at it. She also has been learning photography and she got a calligraphy set for Christmas. Now acting. I'm already proud of her... but I'm also proud of myself for knowing I have taught her well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)