Woke up this morning with my tooth hurting. It started out with just a bit of pain but within an hour it was bang-my-head-against-the-wall unbearable. I took an 800mg ibuprofen and waited.... and waited.... and waited. Since the pain wouldn't let up I had to make an emergency dental appointment which I am happy they were able to get me in quickly.
I wish I could say that they patched it up and that was that, but sadly I know that tooth will have to come out soon. Worse yet, it's my mid molar meaning I would need to have it replaced with an implant. I've known this for about 3 months now (since the last time my tooth pain flared up) but with it happening again today it looks like I will have to take care of this sooner than later.
Total cost out of pocket will be around $3800 and I will have to wait about 3 to 6 months after my tooth is taken out and a partial bone put up into the gum before the implant can be put in. Meaning that's 3 to 6 months of going without a vital tooth that I would need for eating. Thankfully it is a mid molar and not seen clearly when I smile.
Hopefully I can put this off for a few more months but I know for sure that I will have to have it done. It's just a matter of when now.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
How I Met My Wife.... Both Times
With our 16th wedding anniversary approaching this month I have been reminded of how we first met (both times)... I'll explain.
The first time was Halloween of 1994. I was a few months into my senior year of high school and working at the local grocery store. After work I was introduced to her through my friend as we walked around the neighborhood. Soon after I got her phone number and we talked on and off for the next month or so. Soon after we lost touch for whatever reason.
Fast forward to the end of the school year. I was a week away from graduation and already planning my future college life. I had plans to go back to Houston and meet up with my former girlfriend who I've been writing letters to back and forth for several months now. Yes, these were actually hand written letters sent via mail... not this new age email, text messing stuff. One day I found myself in the weight room during gym class (a class I never miss) and I felt like leaving for whatever odd reason. So I got dressed and walked right out of the gym door and there in front of me sitting on the hallway bench was my future wife. I made eye contact as she motioned for me to sit next to her. We talked for a few moments to catch up and I told her I tried to call once but it was disconnected. She quickly gave me her new phone # as it had been changed. Not even a day later I got a call from her asking if I'd go with her to meet a few friends after school and that was that. Within a few days we started dating and by the summer I had made up my mind to stay in Missouri to go to college.
All it took was that one chance encounter to change my life forever. Who knows where I would be at right now if I never walked out of that gym class when I did. Most likely I would have moved back to Houston and gone a completely different direction. Even if we would to have somehow met again years down the road we wouldn't have had our same kids we have now and who knows probably wouldn't be living in LA either. That just boggles my mind and is enough to make me believe that destiny does exist.
Looking back I am so happy how things have turned out for us and there is not one other directions that I wish my life would have taken. My kids and my wife mean the world to me and everything I have ever gone through in life has brought me to where I am today. That is why there is absolutely nothing I would change if given the chance.
Some people can't understand how we have been able to stay together for 16 straight years (17 1/2 if you count dating). Most people can't even fathom how we did it at such a young age (me 19 and my wife 17 years old when we got married). Even I don't understand it at times. All I can say is we were blessed to have found each other the way we did and blessed with two great kids that crack us up to this day. Even if that was all we had, I still would consider myself a very fortunately person.
The first time was Halloween of 1994. I was a few months into my senior year of high school and working at the local grocery store. After work I was introduced to her through my friend as we walked around the neighborhood. Soon after I got her phone number and we talked on and off for the next month or so. Soon after we lost touch for whatever reason.
Fast forward to the end of the school year. I was a week away from graduation and already planning my future college life. I had plans to go back to Houston and meet up with my former girlfriend who I've been writing letters to back and forth for several months now. Yes, these were actually hand written letters sent via mail... not this new age email, text messing stuff. One day I found myself in the weight room during gym class (a class I never miss) and I felt like leaving for whatever odd reason. So I got dressed and walked right out of the gym door and there in front of me sitting on the hallway bench was my future wife. I made eye contact as she motioned for me to sit next to her. We talked for a few moments to catch up and I told her I tried to call once but it was disconnected. She quickly gave me her new phone # as it had been changed. Not even a day later I got a call from her asking if I'd go with her to meet a few friends after school and that was that. Within a few days we started dating and by the summer I had made up my mind to stay in Missouri to go to college.
All it took was that one chance encounter to change my life forever. Who knows where I would be at right now if I never walked out of that gym class when I did. Most likely I would have moved back to Houston and gone a completely different direction. Even if we would to have somehow met again years down the road we wouldn't have had our same kids we have now and who knows probably wouldn't be living in LA either. That just boggles my mind and is enough to make me believe that destiny does exist.
Looking back I am so happy how things have turned out for us and there is not one other directions that I wish my life would have taken. My kids and my wife mean the world to me and everything I have ever gone through in life has brought me to where I am today. That is why there is absolutely nothing I would change if given the chance.
Some people can't understand how we have been able to stay together for 16 straight years (17 1/2 if you count dating). Most people can't even fathom how we did it at such a young age (me 19 and my wife 17 years old when we got married). Even I don't understand it at times. All I can say is we were blessed to have found each other the way we did and blessed with two great kids that crack us up to this day. Even if that was all we had, I still would consider myself a very fortunately person.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
"TRAJEDY" - A 9/11 Story
TRAJEDY
As I am standing on this vast sea of invisibility,
I am reminded of a time that has since passed me by;A world of chaos as seen through my eyes,
With impending darkness that bleeds me inside.
Screams are still heard as I look all around,
But surprisingly so there’s no one to be found;Buried neck up I can’t muster a sound,
Constantly wondering if I’m stuck underground.
The more I struggle the less I survive,
The horror ridden images locked in my mind;The heat is consuming as I try hard to find,
The will to stay strong while trapped in this bind.
Somehow I manage to break myself free,
Rising through the ashes I escape the debris;My heart flutters as the black won’t let me be,
And it doesn’t let up until fresh air I breathe.
Even now, eleven years late,
I still fight the memories that have tempted my fate;As I try to move on from that senseless date,
The memories still haunt me – forever awake.
11/15/12
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
5 Things You Don't Know About Me
Seeing as I am a person that doesn't really open up to people about my past (well in person anyhow), I thought I would dedicate this post to things you may not know about me. Many people who read this will know me as a photographer and dad that lives in the Los Angeles area that likes to go on trips for work and fun. But there is much more to me that I rarely tell anyone that has helped shape the person I am today.
#1- Not a black belt: There are people that know I have taken Tang Soo Do karate and for the most part I have led them to believe I am a true black belt. In reality I never made it that far. I studied for several years when I was still in Houston. I advanced through the rankings quite quickly due to my dedication to learn and quick feet/hands. About a year into it I tore my ACL in my knee but carried on anyhow. Before I could fully recover my family ended up moving 1000 miles north to Missouri. I searched for a new place to continue my learning but never found one that worked so I practiced at home and studied on my own. Officially I am not a certified blackbelt in Tong Soo Do karate but mentally I feel I got there (as I know I would have if I would have stayed in Houston).
#2- Worked as a caregiver: I once worked with mentally challenged adults in their own homes for over a year. I worked an average of 70 hours per week (mostly the overnight shift since I was in college). I would arrive around 10pm or so when the clients were sleeping and make sure they got ready in the morning for their work or schooling. I did this for 6 to 7 days a week which made our first 6 months of marriage quite crazy. Every now and then though I would find a way to sneak my wife overnight. I finally left when they suspended me for 2 weeks without pay because a client told someone I beat him. After the 2 weeks they found he was lying and said I could come back- although without any compensation for the time lost. I told them I refuse to work for a place that can send me home at anytime without pay based on an accusation so I quit on the spot.
#3- An Alter Boy and Boy Scout: When I was younger my mom did everything she could to keep me active outside of the house. Being a devout Catholic she took me to Sunday school every week and somehow I became an altar boy. I can't quite remember how long I did that for but every few Sundays I would be seated near the preast and help out during service (all while dressed in a white gown). I even helped with a few funerals and baptisms. Boy Scouts was the other thing my mom put me through. Although there were many times that I truly hated it, I see now that I am older how it has benefited me. Since my dad was a deadbeat my mom took it upon herself to accompany me on the camping trips and functions. I will always love her for that! I was a Life Scout (almost an Eagle Scout) when I was uprooted to Missouri and never was able to finish- much like the karate thing. However, I always consider myself an Eagle Scout because I did do all of the requirements I needed to do.
#4- Virgin until I met my wife: I had many girlfriends growing up. There was actually a three year period of time where I didn't go more than a week without dating someone, but during that time I never slept with any of them. It wasn't a religious choice by any means but simply just never wanted to be THAT GUY. I treated a girl with respect and just wanted to have fun but I never felt like any of them were the one that I could settle down with. I even left a girls house who was literally all over me half naked. No I never had gay tendancies... I just truly wanted to be with someone that I cared about and that didn't happen until I met my now wife. We've been together for almost 18 years now (16 married) and I wouldn't change a thing.
#5- Stay at home dad: After my daughter was born we were swamped trying to make ends meet. I was going to college full time, plus interning for free at the local NBC newstation, plus working two jobs while trying to be a dad for the first time. So when my son was born a few years later I decided something different that would ultimately change our lives for the better- I started my own internet based business. Within 3 months I was able to quit my computer software job at the college and work from home. As my wife went back to work I found myself being the person that raised our kids during the day. From changing diapers to feedings and teaching them how to walk. I pretty much have been home ever since- beit a few temp jobs here and there when times were slow. I love being a stay at home dad although it often did make my wife jealous :) This was truly one of my proudest times in life.
#1- Not a black belt: There are people that know I have taken Tang Soo Do karate and for the most part I have led them to believe I am a true black belt. In reality I never made it that far. I studied for several years when I was still in Houston. I advanced through the rankings quite quickly due to my dedication to learn and quick feet/hands. About a year into it I tore my ACL in my knee but carried on anyhow. Before I could fully recover my family ended up moving 1000 miles north to Missouri. I searched for a new place to continue my learning but never found one that worked so I practiced at home and studied on my own. Officially I am not a certified blackbelt in Tong Soo Do karate but mentally I feel I got there (as I know I would have if I would have stayed in Houston).
#2- Worked as a caregiver: I once worked with mentally challenged adults in their own homes for over a year. I worked an average of 70 hours per week (mostly the overnight shift since I was in college). I would arrive around 10pm or so when the clients were sleeping and make sure they got ready in the morning for their work or schooling. I did this for 6 to 7 days a week which made our first 6 months of marriage quite crazy. Every now and then though I would find a way to sneak my wife overnight. I finally left when they suspended me for 2 weeks without pay because a client told someone I beat him. After the 2 weeks they found he was lying and said I could come back- although without any compensation for the time lost. I told them I refuse to work for a place that can send me home at anytime without pay based on an accusation so I quit on the spot.
#3- An Alter Boy and Boy Scout: When I was younger my mom did everything she could to keep me active outside of the house. Being a devout Catholic she took me to Sunday school every week and somehow I became an altar boy. I can't quite remember how long I did that for but every few Sundays I would be seated near the preast and help out during service (all while dressed in a white gown). I even helped with a few funerals and baptisms. Boy Scouts was the other thing my mom put me through. Although there were many times that I truly hated it, I see now that I am older how it has benefited me. Since my dad was a deadbeat my mom took it upon herself to accompany me on the camping trips and functions. I will always love her for that! I was a Life Scout (almost an Eagle Scout) when I was uprooted to Missouri and never was able to finish- much like the karate thing. However, I always consider myself an Eagle Scout because I did do all of the requirements I needed to do.
#4- Virgin until I met my wife: I had many girlfriends growing up. There was actually a three year period of time where I didn't go more than a week without dating someone, but during that time I never slept with any of them. It wasn't a religious choice by any means but simply just never wanted to be THAT GUY. I treated a girl with respect and just wanted to have fun but I never felt like any of them were the one that I could settle down with. I even left a girls house who was literally all over me half naked. No I never had gay tendancies... I just truly wanted to be with someone that I cared about and that didn't happen until I met my now wife. We've been together for almost 18 years now (16 married) and I wouldn't change a thing.
#5- Stay at home dad: After my daughter was born we were swamped trying to make ends meet. I was going to college full time, plus interning for free at the local NBC newstation, plus working two jobs while trying to be a dad for the first time. So when my son was born a few years later I decided something different that would ultimately change our lives for the better- I started my own internet based business. Within 3 months I was able to quit my computer software job at the college and work from home. As my wife went back to work I found myself being the person that raised our kids during the day. From changing diapers to feedings and teaching them how to walk. I pretty much have been home ever since- beit a few temp jobs here and there when times were slow. I love being a stay at home dad although it often did make my wife jealous :) This was truly one of my proudest times in life.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
A Smart Phone Plan Costs WHAT?????
So it's been almost 2 years now that I have downgraded my smart phone to a simpler one and surprisingly I haven't really missed it. My bill for the family has barely been around $95 per month and neither one of my kids are addicted to texting since I took it off their phone.
However, for Christmas I thought perhaps upgrading our phones back to the data plan (Even for 1 year) would be a nice gift for everyone. So I logged into my Sprint page, checked the rates and almost hit the floor when I saw the price now. $235 a month BEFORE TAXES just to have phones capable of having internet on them. WHAT????? That's more than double.... just for data! Keep in mind this doesn't even include the new phones.
To break it down the base plan would be $170 for two phones. To add two more phones (regardless if they are a smart phone or not) would be $30 more each. How in the world in this day and age does this cost THAT much money. And how in the world are people living off of food stamps and welfare walking around with this kind of phone? Perhaps that is why they are on welfare to begin with.
After doing the math I realized this would cost me an addition $1620 for the year to do. For $1620 I could fly round trip to Europe....TWICE!!!! For $1620 I could buy a used third vehicle outright just for the fun of it. For $1620 I could... well you get the point! Bottom line in why on earth would I spend that kind of money just to be connected 24/7? No thank you. This is one person that will stick to his morals and keep his small, dingy, no data cell phone that's only good to make calls and be very happy that he did.
However, for Christmas I thought perhaps upgrading our phones back to the data plan (Even for 1 year) would be a nice gift for everyone. So I logged into my Sprint page, checked the rates and almost hit the floor when I saw the price now. $235 a month BEFORE TAXES just to have phones capable of having internet on them. WHAT????? That's more than double.... just for data! Keep in mind this doesn't even include the new phones.
To break it down the base plan would be $170 for two phones. To add two more phones (regardless if they are a smart phone or not) would be $30 more each. How in the world in this day and age does this cost THAT much money. And how in the world are people living off of food stamps and welfare walking around with this kind of phone? Perhaps that is why they are on welfare to begin with.
After doing the math I realized this would cost me an addition $1620 for the year to do. For $1620 I could fly round trip to Europe....TWICE!!!! For $1620 I could buy a used third vehicle outright just for the fun of it. For $1620 I could... well you get the point! Bottom line in why on earth would I spend that kind of money just to be connected 24/7? No thank you. This is one person that will stick to his morals and keep his small, dingy, no data cell phone that's only good to make calls and be very happy that he did.
Our New Addition
For the past few years our daughter has been begging us for a puppy. And everytime she is met with the phrase "Not going to happen!" She'd then walk away with that sad look on her face that would litereally make me melt inside. Of course I would love to give her what she wanted but unfortunately I know a puppy would not work for our family for varied reasons. I have to admit I did look into it from time to time and seriously thought about it as a future birthday gift for her, but it just wouldn't work.
About two months ago my wife and I were eating at Red Lobster and suddenly the subject of a cat arose. We have had our time with numerous cats over the years and none of them ever worked out for one reason or another. Our cat Mittens was our first together. She was an orange and fiesty one from the start and we had her for a little over a year before our daughter was born. At that point we knew we could not keep her around. When our kids were older we tried our hand at others. We decided to go to the shelter this time and it proved to be a huge mistake as each one we had proved to me more problematic then the last. One even passed away within 3 days of us getting it because the shelter spayed it when it was still too young. That was a sad day as I was already getting attached to it. And about 5 years ago we found a co-worker that had a fresh litter and decided 2 was the answer for us this time around. That lasted all but about 3 months however as our kids literally tortured them crazy. Knowing they were not ready to handle a pet we had to give them up and swore off getting another pet.
But sure enough we found ourselves eating shrimp and discussing the possibility once again. By the end of the conversation we actually was so convising on our reasoning that we immediately hit craigslist when we got back home and starting looking for that new addition. Surprisingly there were only a few options local to us where there were kittens less than 2 months old (which was ideal for us). One didn't have any photos listed and lived about 45 minutes away so we put that on the backburner- not literally because that would be cruel. Another one had a photo but it was a far away shot of the kitten on the floor board of someone's car. We thought to ourselves if that was the best photo he could get then that kitten would be trouble. Finally we found the most perfect kitten we could have ever imagined. Her face was right up to the camera and it looked so cute. We instantly fell in love just off the photo alone. I immediately emailed the person and waited for the reply that she was still available.
The next morning I get the reply that we were hoping for and that evening picked her up before anyone else could. Since that first day she has been a real treat to have around, but it wasn't without it's trials. After a few days she started feeling sick and those feelings of "here we go again" starting to come about. But this time I was prepared with the internet as I researched my ass off determined to get her better and within a few days of nursing her she was back to her normal self. It was at that moment that I realized that this one was going to stick. Not just because she is one of the most loving cats we have ever had (who shows no favorites and is always open and lively) but because I was the reason she is still with us and that meant something special to me. I felt an instant connection that to this day still has not left. The best part is both of our kids are 100% ready to help take care of her. They have no problem feeding or cleaning up after her and our daughter can't even leave the room without giving her a snuggle hug.
It's amazing how much one little addition to your family- no matter how small- can make a huge impact on your life and the way you view the world.
About two months ago my wife and I were eating at Red Lobster and suddenly the subject of a cat arose. We have had our time with numerous cats over the years and none of them ever worked out for one reason or another. Our cat Mittens was our first together. She was an orange and fiesty one from the start and we had her for a little over a year before our daughter was born. At that point we knew we could not keep her around. When our kids were older we tried our hand at others. We decided to go to the shelter this time and it proved to be a huge mistake as each one we had proved to me more problematic then the last. One even passed away within 3 days of us getting it because the shelter spayed it when it was still too young. That was a sad day as I was already getting attached to it. And about 5 years ago we found a co-worker that had a fresh litter and decided 2 was the answer for us this time around. That lasted all but about 3 months however as our kids literally tortured them crazy. Knowing they were not ready to handle a pet we had to give them up and swore off getting another pet.
But sure enough we found ourselves eating shrimp and discussing the possibility once again. By the end of the conversation we actually was so convising on our reasoning that we immediately hit craigslist when we got back home and starting looking for that new addition. Surprisingly there were only a few options local to us where there were kittens less than 2 months old (which was ideal for us). One didn't have any photos listed and lived about 45 minutes away so we put that on the backburner- not literally because that would be cruel. Another one had a photo but it was a far away shot of the kitten on the floor board of someone's car. We thought to ourselves if that was the best photo he could get then that kitten would be trouble. Finally we found the most perfect kitten we could have ever imagined. Her face was right up to the camera and it looked so cute. We instantly fell in love just off the photo alone. I immediately emailed the person and waited for the reply that she was still available.
The next morning I get the reply that we were hoping for and that evening picked her up before anyone else could. Since that first day she has been a real treat to have around, but it wasn't without it's trials. After a few days she started feeling sick and those feelings of "here we go again" starting to come about. But this time I was prepared with the internet as I researched my ass off determined to get her better and within a few days of nursing her she was back to her normal self. It was at that moment that I realized that this one was going to stick. Not just because she is one of the most loving cats we have ever had (who shows no favorites and is always open and lively) but because I was the reason she is still with us and that meant something special to me. I felt an instant connection that to this day still has not left. The best part is both of our kids are 100% ready to help take care of her. They have no problem feeding or cleaning up after her and our daughter can't even leave the room without giving her a snuggle hug.
It's amazing how much one little addition to your family- no matter how small- can make a huge impact on your life and the way you view the world.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Nephew Reminds Me of.... Me
The other day I was finally able to speak to my nephew for the first time. He's 16 now (going on 17) and trying to put together a list of colleges he is interested in going to. The weird part is it was like speaking to myself.
Growing up I didn't have the best relationship with my brother. He was five years older than me and was pretty much moved out of the house before I even got to the seventh grade. Most of what I remember of him is he hanging me upside down from the upstairs railing laughing as he threatened to drop me. Due to rifts with our dad he decided leaving home while still in high school was the best thing for him. We completely lost touch after that. During my college years my parents finally split up. My mom stayed around where I was as my dad moved closer to my brother (who was in North Carolina at the time). With me having major issues with my dad already that pushed us away even more. Other than a few phone calls here and there- mostly where he asked me for money- we pretty much went our seperate ways for good.
Over the past year or so he seems to have finally pieced his life together with a family of his own and a stable job. Thanks to facebook we have at least been able to see what each other's life is about. That's where I saw my nephew. At first I added him as a friend just because he was family, but two days ago I decided to reach out to him. In an instant message I simply said I would like to get to know him better and he prompty responded "I feel the same way, too". Suddenly we were sending messages back and forth before one of us got the bright idea to actually speak to each other on the phone.
Be it a bit weird at first I found the conversation quite interesting. Everything he was telling me was almost exactly how I felt when I was his age (and somewhat even today). Again it was like I was speaking to myself 20 years ago. We talked about him having a hard time being around grandpa (my dad) and I was able to reassure him that I went through the same things. He even told me how he was in a foster home from age 2 through age 9 before his dad (my brother) was able to take him in. After bouncing back and forth between his mom and dad every year he has finally been able to settle down with my brother permanently. The eerie part of it all was not what he went through but of his attitude towards it. It was exactly- to the letter- on how I would handle it myself. I suddenly felt myself pulled to him even more as we talked about everything from girls to writing to the way our minds think backwards to solve problems.
I know I have my own kids that I am very proud of, but they have never experience the hardships that I went through as a kid. With my nephew I feel like he desperately needs someone that understands what he is going through and I don't mind being that person for him. In a way it's almost like a chance to see how I would have been if I had someone that took me under their wing when I was his age.
I have been proud to be a husband and proud to be a father... but for the first time I can actually say that I am proud to be an uncle.
Growing up I didn't have the best relationship with my brother. He was five years older than me and was pretty much moved out of the house before I even got to the seventh grade. Most of what I remember of him is he hanging me upside down from the upstairs railing laughing as he threatened to drop me. Due to rifts with our dad he decided leaving home while still in high school was the best thing for him. We completely lost touch after that. During my college years my parents finally split up. My mom stayed around where I was as my dad moved closer to my brother (who was in North Carolina at the time). With me having major issues with my dad already that pushed us away even more. Other than a few phone calls here and there- mostly where he asked me for money- we pretty much went our seperate ways for good.
Over the past year or so he seems to have finally pieced his life together with a family of his own and a stable job. Thanks to facebook we have at least been able to see what each other's life is about. That's where I saw my nephew. At first I added him as a friend just because he was family, but two days ago I decided to reach out to him. In an instant message I simply said I would like to get to know him better and he prompty responded "I feel the same way, too". Suddenly we were sending messages back and forth before one of us got the bright idea to actually speak to each other on the phone.
Be it a bit weird at first I found the conversation quite interesting. Everything he was telling me was almost exactly how I felt when I was his age (and somewhat even today). Again it was like I was speaking to myself 20 years ago. We talked about him having a hard time being around grandpa (my dad) and I was able to reassure him that I went through the same things. He even told me how he was in a foster home from age 2 through age 9 before his dad (my brother) was able to take him in. After bouncing back and forth between his mom and dad every year he has finally been able to settle down with my brother permanently. The eerie part of it all was not what he went through but of his attitude towards it. It was exactly- to the letter- on how I would handle it myself. I suddenly felt myself pulled to him even more as we talked about everything from girls to writing to the way our minds think backwards to solve problems.
I know I have my own kids that I am very proud of, but they have never experience the hardships that I went through as a kid. With my nephew I feel like he desperately needs someone that understands what he is going through and I don't mind being that person for him. In a way it's almost like a chance to see how I would have been if I had someone that took me under their wing when I was his age.
I have been proud to be a husband and proud to be a father... but for the first time I can actually say that I am proud to be an uncle.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
I Didn't Vote Today
I know this post will get some backlash from many people but I feel it needs to be said. I DIDN'T VOTE TODAY! There I said it again... man it feels good a little bit. I mean a part of me feels a bit guilty for not fulfilling my civic duty and I'm sure I would get a ton of likes to this blog if the title read I DID VOTE TODAY! But in truth I feel I am doing my duty by choosing not to.
I guess a little part of it is laziness... not because I didn't want to stand in line for an hour or so but because I never registered to vote in the first place. So even if I wanted to today I'm sure it would be a tough road to accomplish. But really I just don't care who wins either way. Yes I listened to all of the debates and followed along with CNN on who does what, and yes I am a bit partial to Obama for reasons I can't really tell you if asked. But mostly I didn't vote because I don't really believe in a system that divides our country so much. I have never considered myself part of a political party because I feel to do so would compromise me to a degree. How are we supposed to move forward if we are too busy fighting each other. It just doesn't make sense.
I also have a hard time in doing something where I feel pressured to do so otherwise I am considered un-American. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the value of people voting for who they believe will be the better person to lead our country and more power to those who feel that strongly. Personally though I don't think the country is going to be THAT much different regardless of who wins. In one hand I am happy to receive extra benefits because I fall into a certain tax bracket, but on the other hand if that was taken away and someone else benefited then I would be just as happy. I'm not selfish by any means when it comes to what I get from the government. If they are willing to put some extra money in my pocket I'll take it... otherwise I'll live.
Regardless of who wins; tomorow's sun will still rise, the birds will still churp and I will still make sure that I do everything I can to make my own future (with or without the governments help). And who knows... maybe in 4 years from now I'll finally get my lazy ass to register if I feel compelled enough to pick someone I truly believe in. But until that time comes I reserve my right to stay silent.
I guess a little part of it is laziness... not because I didn't want to stand in line for an hour or so but because I never registered to vote in the first place. So even if I wanted to today I'm sure it would be a tough road to accomplish. But really I just don't care who wins either way. Yes I listened to all of the debates and followed along with CNN on who does what, and yes I am a bit partial to Obama for reasons I can't really tell you if asked. But mostly I didn't vote because I don't really believe in a system that divides our country so much. I have never considered myself part of a political party because I feel to do so would compromise me to a degree. How are we supposed to move forward if we are too busy fighting each other. It just doesn't make sense.
I also have a hard time in doing something where I feel pressured to do so otherwise I am considered un-American. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the value of people voting for who they believe will be the better person to lead our country and more power to those who feel that strongly. Personally though I don't think the country is going to be THAT much different regardless of who wins. In one hand I am happy to receive extra benefits because I fall into a certain tax bracket, but on the other hand if that was taken away and someone else benefited then I would be just as happy. I'm not selfish by any means when it comes to what I get from the government. If they are willing to put some extra money in my pocket I'll take it... otherwise I'll live.
Regardless of who wins; tomorow's sun will still rise, the birds will still churp and I will still make sure that I do everything I can to make my own future (with or without the governments help). And who knows... maybe in 4 years from now I'll finally get my lazy ass to register if I feel compelled enough to pick someone I truly believe in. But until that time comes I reserve my right to stay silent.
Monday, November 5, 2012
My Family Tree
Last weeks blog about a famous ancestor got me wanting to do more research- this time on my whole family line. I originally started with my mom's side of the family. Searching through census reports from the US I was able to trace back to around the 1820s (which is quite strange because I was always told that they came over from Ireland many years later). Perhaps the research was a bit off or I followed the wrong line. The hard part of this is trying to find people with their maiden name when you don't know what it is to begin with.
So hitting a dead end I decided to follow my German side. Surprisingly I was able to go back to the year they immigrate to the US in 1902 (from Canada of all places). Apparently my great great grandfaster moved from Hanover Germany to Canada, got married and later moved across the border to Michigan. Just knowing the original city in Germany was enough to get me excited about all of the research. But this got me thinking more about my present family and how distant I really am from my other relatives.
It's funny how we grow up and lose touch with those we were once around every day. I haven't been in contact with my older brother in who knows how long and actually there's no real reason for it. Not to mention I have a few nephews and nieces in which I have never seen in person much less talked to. I guess this goes back to my childhood when my dad hermitted himself from the rest of his family (for whatever reason). I'm not saying I am doing the same only that I never really knew my cousins that much growing up either.
I just keep thinking that there is a whole side of my family that I never knew and I sincerely hope that my children don't follow in the same footsteps. I guess the one main difference is that my parents got divorced a long time ago making family reunions a bit strange as I stayed around my mother while my brother took my dad in. I have a feeling that I blame my dad for this seperation. Mmmm, something I never really thought of before (I'll have to explore that more later).
The point is, life is too short and family is too important to not keep in touch with. Because in the end it's them that make up who you are and have an investment on how you will most likely be in the future.
So hitting a dead end I decided to follow my German side. Surprisingly I was able to go back to the year they immigrate to the US in 1902 (from Canada of all places). Apparently my great great grandfaster moved from Hanover Germany to Canada, got married and later moved across the border to Michigan. Just knowing the original city in Germany was enough to get me excited about all of the research. But this got me thinking more about my present family and how distant I really am from my other relatives.
It's funny how we grow up and lose touch with those we were once around every day. I haven't been in contact with my older brother in who knows how long and actually there's no real reason for it. Not to mention I have a few nephews and nieces in which I have never seen in person much less talked to. I guess this goes back to my childhood when my dad hermitted himself from the rest of his family (for whatever reason). I'm not saying I am doing the same only that I never really knew my cousins that much growing up either.
I just keep thinking that there is a whole side of my family that I never knew and I sincerely hope that my children don't follow in the same footsteps. I guess the one main difference is that my parents got divorced a long time ago making family reunions a bit strange as I stayed around my mother while my brother took my dad in. I have a feeling that I blame my dad for this seperation. Mmmm, something I never really thought of before (I'll have to explore that more later).
The point is, life is too short and family is too important to not keep in touch with. Because in the end it's them that make up who you are and have an investment on how you will most likely be in the future.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Tracing Back My Roots
I have been fascinated with my family roots for quite some time now. Ever since the first time I stepped foot in Ireland, somehow I felt right at home. Like I had some weird kinship with the place. Although the weather is not very desirable for me, everything else like the hills, castles and culture made me want to live a more simplier life.
Next year I have plans to go to Europe again. This time it will be mostly Spain, but I will begin the journey in Austria. Doing research on my family tree I found that a distant relative going by my same German last name, Josef Danhauser, was a famous painter in Vienna. He was the one who constructed the death mask for Ludwig van Beethoven himself after he passed away. I am curious to know how directly related to him I am as I also share the art field in much the same way. I wonder as I step foot in Vienna for the first time if I will get that same eerie feeling of being at home (especially when I walk down Danhauser St - named after Josef).
I tried to retrace my family tree using the internet, but the furthest I could ever trace my direct ancestors was back to around the 1900s. Somewhere in the late 1800s my family made their way over to America but since we are so far removed from that time it is almost impossible to trace.
So I wonder how many of you guys have a famous ancestor that you can trace back?
Next year I have plans to go to Europe again. This time it will be mostly Spain, but I will begin the journey in Austria. Doing research on my family tree I found that a distant relative going by my same German last name, Josef Danhauser, was a famous painter in Vienna. He was the one who constructed the death mask for Ludwig van Beethoven himself after he passed away. I am curious to know how directly related to him I am as I also share the art field in much the same way. I wonder as I step foot in Vienna for the first time if I will get that same eerie feeling of being at home (especially when I walk down Danhauser St - named after Josef).
I tried to retrace my family tree using the internet, but the furthest I could ever trace my direct ancestors was back to around the 1900s. Somewhere in the late 1800s my family made their way over to America but since we are so far removed from that time it is almost impossible to trace.
So I wonder how many of you guys have a famous ancestor that you can trace back?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Who is Actually Reading This? Let Me Know
I originally started this blog for my own psychosis. However it has slowly evolved into something more as I try to reach out to others who read. As I continue to write I am curious to know who my viewers are. Please take a moment if you could to "follow" my blog to the righthand side. Don't worry, it doesn't spam your email or anything. Just let's me know who my audience is.
Thank you
Thank you
Monday, October 29, 2012
The Waiting Game
After doing more research over the past few days on Europe I have found it very difficult to move the kids with us- no matter where we go.
Once kids are teenagers it is not advisable to move them to a foreign country (where they do not know the language) unless you plan on shelling out the dough for an international school- which can run in the thousands per child each semester. I mean we could possibly move to an English speaking country like Ireland or the UK but that would take away some of what we wanted to gain from this experience.
So, my initial plan of waiting until the kids are out of school looks to be in effect. By then it would be much cheaper for housing (as we would only need a 1 bedroom and possibly a smaller second for guests) and not have to feed 4 people or worrying about schooling.
An alternative would be to take the kids with us during the summer and spend about 2 1/2 to 3 months. That way the kids would get a nice little taste of living abroad without missing school and we could look into a house swap to reduce housing expenses. A house swap would mean that we live in a house over seas for the duration that that couple or family would live in our place here in the states. We have a nice enough place around Malibu that I am sure would be ideal for anyone doing this swap- it would just be weird having someone living in our place for a few months.
Either way, it now looks like I have a solid plan in mind of how to make this happen- now I just have to be patient enough to wait a few years.
Once kids are teenagers it is not advisable to move them to a foreign country (where they do not know the language) unless you plan on shelling out the dough for an international school- which can run in the thousands per child each semester. I mean we could possibly move to an English speaking country like Ireland or the UK but that would take away some of what we wanted to gain from this experience.
So, my initial plan of waiting until the kids are out of school looks to be in effect. By then it would be much cheaper for housing (as we would only need a 1 bedroom and possibly a smaller second for guests) and not have to feed 4 people or worrying about schooling.
An alternative would be to take the kids with us during the summer and spend about 2 1/2 to 3 months. That way the kids would get a nice little taste of living abroad without missing school and we could look into a house swap to reduce housing expenses. A house swap would mean that we live in a house over seas for the duration that that couple or family would live in our place here in the states. We have a nice enough place around Malibu that I am sure would be ideal for anyone doing this swap- it would just be weird having someone living in our place for a few months.
Either way, it now looks like I have a solid plan in mind of how to make this happen- now I just have to be patient enough to wait a few years.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Daddy's Little Girl
Ever since my daughter was born I was on top of the world. My focus went from me to we in an instant as I touched her little fingers and held her in my arms for the first time. I was so out of mind that I almost left the hospital with her before I was stopped at the side door by one of the nurses.
Over the years I have done my absolute best to raise her how I felt she deserved to be. Luckily I have been able to be a stay at home dad with my own business so I could see every stage of her growing up. From potty training to going to school for the first time- I am happy to say I was there for it all. There has always been one thing that has bothered me, however- the day she would no longer be daddy's little girl.
I've heard the stories... "Everything is good now but just wait until she becomes a teenager." Well I did wait, and next month she will be 14 and yet she is still there with me at every step. And she still copies me at almost everything I do. Not only is she following in my footsteps with her artwork (her drawings are amazing by the way) but her mind is so much like mine that it's scary.
Maybe I'm setting myself up for a heartache in the future but I feel she just may be my little girl forever. But you know what... that's an easy risk that I have no problem taking.
Over the years I have done my absolute best to raise her how I felt she deserved to be. Luckily I have been able to be a stay at home dad with my own business so I could see every stage of her growing up. From potty training to going to school for the first time- I am happy to say I was there for it all. There has always been one thing that has bothered me, however- the day she would no longer be daddy's little girl.
I've heard the stories... "Everything is good now but just wait until she becomes a teenager." Well I did wait, and next month she will be 14 and yet she is still there with me at every step. And she still copies me at almost everything I do. Not only is she following in my footsteps with her artwork (her drawings are amazing by the way) but her mind is so much like mine that it's scary.
Maybe I'm setting myself up for a heartache in the future but I feel she just may be my little girl forever. But you know what... that's an easy risk that I have no problem taking.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Part 2 (France)- Moving to Europe
So I've decided to keep record of my journey of moving abroad. Apparently it's going to be a tough road to accomplish and will require a lot of research and patience.
Firstly, I brought the idea to my kids who surprised me by stating they would be all in. They even brought up France as a place to live despite neither knowing a lick of the language. Now I know they have no idea what to expect but just to know that they have no problem with making a move like this is enough for me to feel comfortable looking at our options.
Secondly, through my research so far I have found that the best way to make this move is to have enough cash saved up to live off of for perhaps a year and fill out an application for a long-stay visa (which is also a year). Then I could fill out an auto entrepreneur form so I can start my own photography business there. The problem arrises on two fronts with this.
Thirdly, the good news is our kids would be able to attend public school for free (although they would have to learn quickly on the language). A private English school is definitely out of the question and the only other option would be to home school them which I would prefer not to do. The point is for them to learn the culture and make it our home for the time spent there.
Overall, there appears to be many obstacles that stand in the way but I feel it is very doable. It's all a matter of making it happen. I know we have the funds to live off of for a year but I don't want to come back to the States after that time with our tail between our legs with no money backed up. I wonder if I've decided to take on more than I can chew at the moment.
Firstly, I brought the idea to my kids who surprised me by stating they would be all in. They even brought up France as a place to live despite neither knowing a lick of the language. Now I know they have no idea what to expect but just to know that they have no problem with making a move like this is enough for me to feel comfortable looking at our options.
Secondly, through my research so far I have found that the best way to make this move is to have enough cash saved up to live off of for perhaps a year and fill out an application for a long-stay visa (which is also a year). Then I could fill out an auto entrepreneur form so I can start my own photography business there. The problem arrises on two fronts with this.
- I am not fluent in French. I have taken several years of the language in school but have lost most of it due to non use. I am positive I can pick it up again easily once I move there but don't know how fluent I can be with it or how long it would take to get there.
- My wife will not be able to work unless she finds an at home job and sponsored by an American company. Visa's apparently have strict rules on not being able to work and to get a work visa is quite hard if you don't have a job lined up already. With her not knowing the language at all I am sure it would be extremely difficult for her to find one in France.
Thirdly, the good news is our kids would be able to attend public school for free (although they would have to learn quickly on the language). A private English school is definitely out of the question and the only other option would be to home school them which I would prefer not to do. The point is for them to learn the culture and make it our home for the time spent there.
Overall, there appears to be many obstacles that stand in the way but I feel it is very doable. It's all a matter of making it happen. I know we have the funds to live off of for a year but I don't want to come back to the States after that time with our tail between our legs with no money backed up. I wonder if I've decided to take on more than I can chew at the moment.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The Next Great Script Idea
It's been about eight years since I wrote my last feature length movie script. I shopped it around a few times but mainly it has just been collecting dust on my shelf. Shortly after writing I had this awesome idea for another one but was too burnt out to write it. Lately, I have had that itch to at least get it started. I waited so long because it's a historical piece that deals with a ton (and I mean A TON) of research to get it right. I've always felt a bit intimidated I guess to take it on but the idea is just one of those once in a lifetime no brainers that I have to write it.
It is set back in the year ???? and deals with humanity as we strive to overcome the ????? ????????? and build ??????? back to how it ??? ?? ??. I don't know how I can be any more clearer than that.
The story line is simple but it involves real events which makes this the more difficult to write. But if I can just get the concept down and take my time on it then I feel this is definitely a movie that can be made. I already have a director in mind who would be perfect for it. It may take me quite some time to get this done but speed is not my objective. If it takes two years then so be it. I'm tired of this idea rattling around in my head. I'm just surprised that I have not heard this mentioned at all in the Hollywood circles and because of that I am keeping all of the details to myself. I already know this is a million dollar script and I don't need to tell anyone for reassurance. And even if the first or second draft sucks, I know the plot line would be good enough to gather some interest for a rewrite.
I don't know if I will ever consider myself a script writer, even if this does get picked up. But I have always had a knack for writing and storytelling so who knows. The best feeling is just having a goal in mind to accomplish and not let fear dictate my accomplishments. I've searched my life for that OH SHIT idea and now that it's in front of me I will not let it slip through my fingers.
It is set back in the year ???? and deals with humanity as we strive to overcome the ????? ????????? and build ??????? back to how it ??? ?? ??. I don't know how I can be any more clearer than that.
The story line is simple but it involves real events which makes this the more difficult to write. But if I can just get the concept down and take my time on it then I feel this is definitely a movie that can be made. I already have a director in mind who would be perfect for it. It may take me quite some time to get this done but speed is not my objective. If it takes two years then so be it. I'm tired of this idea rattling around in my head. I'm just surprised that I have not heard this mentioned at all in the Hollywood circles and because of that I am keeping all of the details to myself. I already know this is a million dollar script and I don't need to tell anyone for reassurance. And even if the first or second draft sucks, I know the plot line would be good enough to gather some interest for a rewrite.
I don't know if I will ever consider myself a script writer, even if this does get picked up. But I have always had a knack for writing and storytelling so who knows. The best feeling is just having a goal in mind to accomplish and not let fear dictate my accomplishments. I've searched my life for that OH SHIT idea and now that it's in front of me I will not let it slip through my fingers.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Moving to Europe- The Dream Has Begun
Yesterday I may have planted the seed that will forever change my direction in life. Moving overseas.
I was looking at housing prices in the LA (Calabasas) area and realized why. I only have about 5-7 more years before my kids are in their 20s and most likely on their own. If I were to purchase a 3 bedroom home now I would probably be upside down on it 5 years from now paying mostly interest to begin with and be worse off then renting. Not to mention I wouldn't need a 3 bedroom at that time anymore.
Then the thought occured to me. What about moving to Europe (even for a year or so)? So I brought this info to my wife and suddenly we were having a real discussion about it like it could actually happen. Of course I was talking about 8 years down the road but we were surprisingly open to the possibility of it being sooner if things happened that way (bringing our kids along with us). The funny part is that I'm not scared of it at all. So where would we move to?
I have always thought about retiring to Tuscany Italy (Around Florence area). Having a really cool base to travel wherever we wanted as well as living a simplier life in a foreign land. But I am not even thinking of retiring yet. So then I thought about France. Paris could work for my photography, however I would have to become stronger on my French speaking and my wife knows none of it. Strasbourg was an awesome place to visit and seemed like home- not to mention driving around to all the nearby wine towns was a neat experience. And they cater to English speakers much better so that may work as well. But if our kids go then we have to think about English speaking schools.
My other thoughts were of the UK and Ireland. I think London would not really be ideal as I wanted to be more in an old world atmosphere (and not a mega metropolis). If I wanted that I would simply go to NY instead. So that leaves me with Ireland- the home of my ancestors. Even though it's expensive as hell I could definitely see us living there.
What it all boils down to is a combination of where work would be and where we would want to go. Something I will have to do plenty of research on before it becomes fact. The cool part is- the dream has started.
I was looking at housing prices in the LA (Calabasas) area and realized why. I only have about 5-7 more years before my kids are in their 20s and most likely on their own. If I were to purchase a 3 bedroom home now I would probably be upside down on it 5 years from now paying mostly interest to begin with and be worse off then renting. Not to mention I wouldn't need a 3 bedroom at that time anymore.
Then the thought occured to me. What about moving to Europe (even for a year or so)? So I brought this info to my wife and suddenly we were having a real discussion about it like it could actually happen. Of course I was talking about 8 years down the road but we were surprisingly open to the possibility of it being sooner if things happened that way (bringing our kids along with us). The funny part is that I'm not scared of it at all. So where would we move to?
I have always thought about retiring to Tuscany Italy (Around Florence area). Having a really cool base to travel wherever we wanted as well as living a simplier life in a foreign land. But I am not even thinking of retiring yet. So then I thought about France. Paris could work for my photography, however I would have to become stronger on my French speaking and my wife knows none of it. Strasbourg was an awesome place to visit and seemed like home- not to mention driving around to all the nearby wine towns was a neat experience. And they cater to English speakers much better so that may work as well. But if our kids go then we have to think about English speaking schools.
My other thoughts were of the UK and Ireland. I think London would not really be ideal as I wanted to be more in an old world atmosphere (and not a mega metropolis). If I wanted that I would simply go to NY instead. So that leaves me with Ireland- the home of my ancestors. Even though it's expensive as hell I could definitely see us living there.
What it all boils down to is a combination of where work would be and where we would want to go. Something I will have to do plenty of research on before it becomes fact. The cool part is- the dream has started.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Painting With A Story
BROKEN
I am the shadow of my own creation. Scattered across the land searching to find the man I am supposed to be. Longing to be free from the chains of my mind to unwind the hands of time and somehow turn over this hourglass. But alas it’s no use. This world is too obtuse to understand the likes of me as I travel endlessly limping like an injured squirrel trying to cross the road. For this load that I bear is far greater than I ever feared. And that scares me to tears.
All my life I have searched for that one constant thought that would be my beginning. Instead I keep on sinking further into this quicksand of failures. I fear that I have endured far too much in this life that this strife I feel will forever keep me still. As I lose touch with all that is real.
Broken and shattered my mind tries to keep up with the beats of my heart, pulling me away from this infinite pain. But it runs too deep inside my veins that I am unable to get away from these thoughts that lead me astray.
The question is, “What’s stopping me”? The road is right there in front of me, to cross the path to uncertainty…
4-18-12
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Darkside of No Return
Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my talents. I've always felt this need to put myself out there for others to see, whether through acting, writing, artwork or photography. The medium didn't matter as long as the message was clear. The problem is I have to put myself into a solemn place in order to stay in that creative state, and with a wife and two kids I pretty much try and close that part of my life off as much as possible.
I have come to realize that the hardest part of being an artist is not doing the work... but not allowing yourself to do it. It starts out to be practical reasons... but it soon turns into this immovable object that forces you into thinking in terms of reality. I guess that is why my passion for acting never seems to leave me. I miss having that outlet to let me feelings out. All the anger that I've felt.... love.... heartbreak..... bliss.... pain. I could stand in front of a camera or audience and read the given words but in the tone of my self pitty and I would simply lose myself. The icing on the cake is when others approached me after telling me how real it felt as I was doing the scene.
But this is not just about acting. Ever since I was a teenager I have used my creativity in this manner. Artwork was one way and playing basketball was another. Somehow when I stepped onto a court I could literally forget everything that I have thought of up until that point. There were no bills to worry about, appointments to schedule, people to please. It was just me.... my mind.... and the ball. My focus would be so strong that no matter how I played or shot... afterwards I was completely at ease in my thoughts. But now that has been taken away from me. This pain in my foot has been constant for over 3 months now and even though I have taken steps to help eleviate it... the swelling is still present.
Suddenly I am transported back to 14 years old when my dad told me I was too short physically and mentally to ever think I could play basketball. Only that time I had the drive to prove him wrong.
Even now, I have these ideas that pop ever so crazy into my skull that I almost feel like I have to do something about it before my head explodes. I have thought of writing a book or a script but I always give way. I've thought of throwing paint on a canvas and just go nuts with it... but the sensible side take over. I've even thought of going back to acting classes just to get my creative juices out of my system... but again, I reason myself out of it.
Perhaps I am just too lazy to finish what I start. I'd like to think that I am just so passionate about things that I can only continue on while I'm in the moment. Once it passes... then my reasons for completion do as well.
I am not afraid of what others think... as this is what I once thought of myself. I am actually more afraid of wanting to complete the task at hand so badly that I lose all sense of reality. I love my family with everything I have and the thought of putting anything in life ahead of them literally just kills me.
I have accepted the husband and dad role 100%. I have adapted to my lifestyle and happy with my vacation trips and time spent with my family while meagerly making my way through life. And I would never forgive myself if I ever did anything to throw all of that away. But that doesn't stop my heart from wanting to pour out it's darkest secrets to an audience willing to listen.
I have come to realize that the hardest part of being an artist is not doing the work... but not allowing yourself to do it. It starts out to be practical reasons... but it soon turns into this immovable object that forces you into thinking in terms of reality. I guess that is why my passion for acting never seems to leave me. I miss having that outlet to let me feelings out. All the anger that I've felt.... love.... heartbreak..... bliss.... pain. I could stand in front of a camera or audience and read the given words but in the tone of my self pitty and I would simply lose myself. The icing on the cake is when others approached me after telling me how real it felt as I was doing the scene.
But this is not just about acting. Ever since I was a teenager I have used my creativity in this manner. Artwork was one way and playing basketball was another. Somehow when I stepped onto a court I could literally forget everything that I have thought of up until that point. There were no bills to worry about, appointments to schedule, people to please. It was just me.... my mind.... and the ball. My focus would be so strong that no matter how I played or shot... afterwards I was completely at ease in my thoughts. But now that has been taken away from me. This pain in my foot has been constant for over 3 months now and even though I have taken steps to help eleviate it... the swelling is still present.
Suddenly I am transported back to 14 years old when my dad told me I was too short physically and mentally to ever think I could play basketball. Only that time I had the drive to prove him wrong.
Even now, I have these ideas that pop ever so crazy into my skull that I almost feel like I have to do something about it before my head explodes. I have thought of writing a book or a script but I always give way. I've thought of throwing paint on a canvas and just go nuts with it... but the sensible side take over. I've even thought of going back to acting classes just to get my creative juices out of my system... but again, I reason myself out of it.
Perhaps I am just too lazy to finish what I start. I'd like to think that I am just so passionate about things that I can only continue on while I'm in the moment. Once it passes... then my reasons for completion do as well.
I am not afraid of what others think... as this is what I once thought of myself. I am actually more afraid of wanting to complete the task at hand so badly that I lose all sense of reality. I love my family with everything I have and the thought of putting anything in life ahead of them literally just kills me.
I have accepted the husband and dad role 100%. I have adapted to my lifestyle and happy with my vacation trips and time spent with my family while meagerly making my way through life. And I would never forgive myself if I ever did anything to throw all of that away. But that doesn't stop my heart from wanting to pour out it's darkest secrets to an audience willing to listen.
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