Afraid of Loss

I have always been a guarded person.  Growing up I had an attitude that I was not going to allow anyone get to me so I use to pre-plan in my head scenarios that I would encounter so when I did encounter that I already knew how to handle myself.  The price I paid for doing that was I never really let anyone in.

Now I know I touched on this in a previous blog but this leads me to an interesting conclusion: that I am actually afraid of loss.  I have learned to not grow attached to things whether it be belongings, lifestyle or even people.  When I find something that I really start to care about I tend to brush it off as if it was gone tomorrow then so be it.

My immediate family (wife and kids) are truly the only thing that I really care very deeply about.  If anything were to happen to anyone of them I don't know how I would react.  But when it comes to everything else... ehhhh!

When I was a kid I use to love cats.  I had one named Sissy.  When I was in 10th grade I hurt my knee enough where I had to put some icy-hot on it.  Sissy came by and started licking it off my knee and not a minute later she was rolling on the ground like it was catnip.  Ever since then she was my cat.  When I left for college my parents gave it up without me knowing.  Now I never cried or anything like that but every pet I have owned since then I have compared to Sissy and none of them have measured up.  I actually started to develope an "I don't care" attitude with animals after that.

When people are concerned I feel I act similar.  I am quick to make friends because of my open and playful attitude but as soon as I feel crossed in some way then I discard them.  I do this because of the fear of giving myself up to something that could eventually hurt me.  I guess that is why I hate hospitals and funerals and refuse to go to them if I can avoid it.

It's good to feel this way about material things though.  I had no problem giving up my smart phone when they wanted to rape me for extra charges.  I also have no problem with uprooting myself and moving at any time.  I would actually give up most of the things in my place if needed without even blinking. 

Will this be something that I always carry around with me for the rest of my life?  I have no idea how to answer that.  A part of me doesn't want to change at all but sometimes I feel I need to for the sake of others around me.

I'm An Egotistical Sonofab.....

Okay, so the title might be a little harsh, but it's true to a point.

I came to the realization today (I know out of nowhere) that I am so focused on what I am doing that I fail to engage when others tell me what is going on with them.  I guess it hit me when I noticed my daughters tv on at 12:30am.  As soon as I opened the door she quickly acted like she was sleeping.  My first instinct was to just turn the tv off and tell her that I knew she was awake and no tv.  After closing the door I thought, "Why didn't I show more concern and just ask her if everything was okay?"  I mean it was Saturday night so no school tomorrow and perhaps she couldn't sleep for some reason.

That got the noggin' a joggin' and the more I thought of it the more I realized how true it was... that I am focused on myself.  I thought back to when I would be in a conversation with others and instead of acknowledging them and asking more questions I tend to have my own story on the subject.  That means I was thinking of my story when they were talking to me and most likely I wasn't listening all the way.

This saddens me to a point because I really don't want to be this person at all.  I could blame my acting background and photographers nature or memememememe attitude but why?  This is definitely something I can and most likely will try to change now that I am aware.  The main thing is I have to change for the benefit of the other people around me and not for them to notice I am changing.  Otherwise it would be about me again.