Well, actually it was my step grandfather. Funny thing is I am quite conflicted with this news. I mean I feel I should have some reaction to it but I really don't. I don't know how to take that.
The last time I saw him was after my 4th grade year (when I was only 9). I went to stay with my grandmother and step grandfather for a few months that summer in Illinois. All I really remember about him was that he was a hard ass. He never allowed me to have any friends over, he took me fishing and told me after it was cooked that I had to eat everything that I caught that day myself, and he use to spank me with the side of an arrow. I guess it was more inventive than a belt. In spite of those 3 things I really never had an issue with him. But when my real grandmother died a few years later I just assumed that he was no longer a part of my immediate family because he was never blood to begin with. Not to mention, I never really knew him in the first place.
I still feel like I should feel something though. I even thought for a second what if the call was about my own father passing away. How would I feel? Would I stop everything I was doing and reflect? Would I even cry a tear? Like my step grandfather, I never really knew my dad at all, even though we lived in the same household until I was 18.
A part of me feels I should be there at the funeral for my families sake. But I don't know. I'll have to see how things go.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Pushing Myself Until I Bleed
Funny realization today. I was in the shower and suddenly I am overwhelmed with the answer that I have been lacking all these years. "Why am I not more committed to follow through on things I start?"
This question has bothered me over the years because I felt I was lazy in my way of thinking. But I soon realized that it's not laziness at all. In fact, in my early years (high school and before) I was crazy dedicated to getting things done. In weight lifting I pushed myself to double my bench press weight in a 3 month span. In basketball I set out to be the best I could be and learn from my mistakes. I even spent countless hours working on my vertical leap until I was finally able to hang on a 10 foot rim and dunk at least a small ball. Being only 5'7 at the time I thought that was pretty impressive.
The change happened after I was married and when my daughter was born. I realized I didn't need to push myself anymore to be the best at anything else but being a father. Suddenly, THAT became my focus and any personal achievements I have made or wanted to make took a quick backseat.
Over the years, as I began focusing on my acting career, those newfound feelings were still present. If I didn't book a job I said "so what". I was happy with everything else in my life and didn't see the need to push myself beyond the call of duty for anything trivial. I also didn't want to take anything away from me being the best father and husband I could be.
You see, when I pushed myself hard to accomplish a goal (in my younger years) I was quite neurotic about it. I would get on my case every chance I got to be better and I would go until my body couldn't physically take any more. I wanted to show everyone that I could do what I set out to do. Now, I guess I am a bit afraid to put myself out there like that feeling maybe it will take away from my duties at home. I am more concerned with making sure I am there as a dad than I am making sure I complete a task.
I don't know what I am going to do with this information now. I am just glad I figured it out. Hopefully I can find a grown up way to balance my intensity as I pursue goals I've always wanted to complete and being home when I am needed.
I do think it is time I put myself out there once again and show the world who I am and what I am on this Earth to do.
This question has bothered me over the years because I felt I was lazy in my way of thinking. But I soon realized that it's not laziness at all. In fact, in my early years (high school and before) I was crazy dedicated to getting things done. In weight lifting I pushed myself to double my bench press weight in a 3 month span. In basketball I set out to be the best I could be and learn from my mistakes. I even spent countless hours working on my vertical leap until I was finally able to hang on a 10 foot rim and dunk at least a small ball. Being only 5'7 at the time I thought that was pretty impressive.
The change happened after I was married and when my daughter was born. I realized I didn't need to push myself anymore to be the best at anything else but being a father. Suddenly, THAT became my focus and any personal achievements I have made or wanted to make took a quick backseat.
Over the years, as I began focusing on my acting career, those newfound feelings were still present. If I didn't book a job I said "so what". I was happy with everything else in my life and didn't see the need to push myself beyond the call of duty for anything trivial. I also didn't want to take anything away from me being the best father and husband I could be.
You see, when I pushed myself hard to accomplish a goal (in my younger years) I was quite neurotic about it. I would get on my case every chance I got to be better and I would go until my body couldn't physically take any more. I wanted to show everyone that I could do what I set out to do. Now, I guess I am a bit afraid to put myself out there like that feeling maybe it will take away from my duties at home. I am more concerned with making sure I am there as a dad than I am making sure I complete a task.
I don't know what I am going to do with this information now. I am just glad I figured it out. Hopefully I can find a grown up way to balance my intensity as I pursue goals I've always wanted to complete and being home when I am needed.
I do think it is time I put myself out there once again and show the world who I am and what I am on this Earth to do.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ima B Me
I am really tired of flaky ass people. Sometimes I wonder if I am truly the only respectful person left in the world. No matter who I run into I always seem to find idiots out there that never do what they say they will do in some fashion or another. It's pathetic.
People act like keeping in touch is the hardest thing in the world. Seriously, all you have to do is pick up the cell phone (yeah that thing you've been using to listen to music and check your email for the past 2 hours) and get back to me. Is it REALLY that tough? Oh wait I forgot. Between going to work, checking the internet, stuffing your face and texting everyone in sight while waiting in line at blockbuster it's really hard to find the time to actually call someone up anymore. I mean it is almost physically impossible.
Maybe it is because I was raised up in a messed up family with a deadbeat dad that liked to tear me down every chance he got, but I always... and I really mean ALWAYS... try and get back to someone or stick to what I originally said I would do. I mean it just makes good sense to do it.
Now I understand this is the real reason why I have very limited close friends. It's because I see right through all the BS that people sling at me. I am a straight up person. If you lie to my face; I can tell it. If you give me a line; I may call you on it. If you say you'll get back to me and don't; I won't forgive you. That's just the nature of my being. I am like this because I believe if you really care about someone that you will be there when needed. Not just when it is convenient enough for you.
Funny thing is I am the lowest maintenance person around. I brought myself up to handle my own problems... to be my own personal counselor. Because of this I have no problem with helping others when they are in need. But if I do not get the same back when I ACTUALLY have to get something off my chest or just want a friend to hang out with then you were not much of a friend to begin with.
I guess I am just destined to be alone in my own thoughts until I die. Don't mean to seem dramatic but it's been 33 years so far and still have not found one person (outside of my wife) that can come close to being there. Check that, I THOUGHT I did once... but that person turned out to be a self-absorbed flake.
Regardless, people are shit. The more you depend on others, the more hurt in the long run you will feel. In a way I'm glad that my jackass father taught me early on how people really are. His mental beatings taught me how to depend on the one person I can always count on: MYSELF!
People act like keeping in touch is the hardest thing in the world. Seriously, all you have to do is pick up the cell phone (yeah that thing you've been using to listen to music and check your email for the past 2 hours) and get back to me. Is it REALLY that tough? Oh wait I forgot. Between going to work, checking the internet, stuffing your face and texting everyone in sight while waiting in line at blockbuster it's really hard to find the time to actually call someone up anymore. I mean it is almost physically impossible.
Maybe it is because I was raised up in a messed up family with a deadbeat dad that liked to tear me down every chance he got, but I always... and I really mean ALWAYS... try and get back to someone or stick to what I originally said I would do. I mean it just makes good sense to do it.
Now I understand this is the real reason why I have very limited close friends. It's because I see right through all the BS that people sling at me. I am a straight up person. If you lie to my face; I can tell it. If you give me a line; I may call you on it. If you say you'll get back to me and don't; I won't forgive you. That's just the nature of my being. I am like this because I believe if you really care about someone that you will be there when needed. Not just when it is convenient enough for you.
Funny thing is I am the lowest maintenance person around. I brought myself up to handle my own problems... to be my own personal counselor. Because of this I have no problem with helping others when they are in need. But if I do not get the same back when I ACTUALLY have to get something off my chest or just want a friend to hang out with then you were not much of a friend to begin with.
I guess I am just destined to be alone in my own thoughts until I die. Don't mean to seem dramatic but it's been 33 years so far and still have not found one person (outside of my wife) that can come close to being there. Check that, I THOUGHT I did once... but that person turned out to be a self-absorbed flake.
Regardless, people are shit. The more you depend on others, the more hurt in the long run you will feel. In a way I'm glad that my jackass father taught me early on how people really are. His mental beatings taught me how to depend on the one person I can always count on: MYSELF!
Monday, March 21, 2011
You are a dick if you...
You are a dick if you….
1. drive slow in the carpool lane
2. refer to your pet as “your kid”
3. smoke just outside a buildings entry door
4. say you have to “check your schedule” and NEVER get back
5. have an SUV and only one kid
6. can’t watch anything unless it’s in HD
7. say you’re a diehard Lakers fan and you just moved here from Minnesota
8. change lanes in front of someone when there was no one in front of you to begin with
9. ignore someone without telling them WHY you are ignoring them
10. watch any kind of reality show like Jersey Shore religiously
11. leave your turn signal on as you drive
12. park diagonally into a parking space or over the parking line
13. won’t go to California because of a possible earthquake
14. make a steak dinner for yourself and no one else in the household
15. are reading this and think “I’m the dick” for writing it
Friday, March 18, 2011
"Deep In My Mind"
My mind is exploding with the color of imagination. So many emotions are running through yet so few ways to express them fully. I am on the brink of insanity as I travel my way down this dark path that I've learned to call home.
Too many times I have tried and failed to alleviate this feeling of hell. I am my own soul and yet I crave the meaning of attention. But that burden is too much to bare as I try to wear down these walls that have been built to protect me from the flaws of humanity.
I am strong but lazy; kind yet obtuse. My being is so complex that even I can not rationalize it to truth. The nights are getting longer as my thoughts race toward a conclusion I may never know. I am out of control as the epitome of failure surrounds my very core. Overtaking me until I am no more.
So I continue to put on this face that you see, because you don't want to know the real me. You don't care if I've been beaten and abused or scorned and misused. Your mind can't even fathom the thoughts that have ravished my body senseless. So why should I even bother to put on anything else but a smile. For that is what you crave of me. A simple being free of obscenity.
Too many times I have tried and failed to alleviate this feeling of hell. I am my own soul and yet I crave the meaning of attention. But that burden is too much to bare as I try to wear down these walls that have been built to protect me from the flaws of humanity.
I am strong but lazy; kind yet obtuse. My being is so complex that even I can not rationalize it to truth. The nights are getting longer as my thoughts race toward a conclusion I may never know. I am out of control as the epitome of failure surrounds my very core. Overtaking me until I am no more.
So I continue to put on this face that you see, because you don't want to know the real me. You don't care if I've been beaten and abused or scorned and misused. Your mind can't even fathom the thoughts that have ravished my body senseless. So why should I even bother to put on anything else but a smile. For that is what you crave of me. A simple being free of obscenity.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The First Steps
My comeback to acting has begun. I took the first steps of taking my own headshots the other day, however with mixed results. It's hard to feel completely comfortable behind a camera and have the right thoughts in your head when you are concentrating on the setup of the equipement and the technical aspects of the shoot. I did manage to get one shot I liked but I need more.
None-the-less I made that leap. The one that is propelling me back into the abyss of Hollywood and rendering me insane with the notion of doing this whole thing all over again. At least this time I have credits and experience on my side. Not to mention a new unique look.
I am not afraid of myself anymore. Well, at least not like before when I was so consumed with my appearance and not acting like an ass. I've soon come to embrace the quirkiness that is my mind. I know I have a likable personality, especially when I am being honest with myself and not putting on a show. I also know that I am different from others around me. My mind works in a way that others apparently can't come to grips to. For whatever reason I was blessed with the gift of learning from my experiences and the mind that can push me to carry on instead of falling back.
I knew from a young age that I was meant for something special. And acting was the only thing that made perfect sense.
None-the-less I made that leap. The one that is propelling me back into the abyss of Hollywood and rendering me insane with the notion of doing this whole thing all over again. At least this time I have credits and experience on my side. Not to mention a new unique look.
I am not afraid of myself anymore. Well, at least not like before when I was so consumed with my appearance and not acting like an ass. I've soon come to embrace the quirkiness that is my mind. I know I have a likable personality, especially when I am being honest with myself and not putting on a show. I also know that I am different from others around me. My mind works in a way that others apparently can't come to grips to. For whatever reason I was blessed with the gift of learning from my experiences and the mind that can push me to carry on instead of falling back.
I knew from a young age that I was meant for something special. And acting was the only thing that made perfect sense.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Do-It-Yourself Headshots
So, it looks like it is time to get my headshots updated. This time around I plan to do them myself. Well at least that's the idea. It's very tough to get everything set exactly how I want it for me to be in the shot. I almost have to take a wide shot and crop it in retouching.
Then there is the focusing factor. What I need to do is put an object possibly on a stool that can set the focus just right. Then I can step in front of the camera on a time and take the photo. Otherwise I can just buy a remote control but even that has it's challenges.
Somehow I am going to find a way to do it. And I need to do it soon because I can't submit without them. My old ones are outdated since my hair is much longer. This should be fun!
Then there is the focusing factor. What I need to do is put an object possibly on a stool that can set the focus just right. Then I can step in front of the camera on a time and take the photo. Otherwise I can just buy a remote control but even that has it's challenges.
Somehow I am going to find a way to do it. And I need to do it soon because I can't submit without them. My old ones are outdated since my hair is much longer. This should be fun!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Actor is Back
I was watching the BIO of Johnny Depp today and suddenly I am transported back 10 years ago when I first felt the itch for acting. You know... the itch that caused me to sell my house and uproot my family to Los Angeles. Yeah that one.
After taken the past few years off I am finally ready to get back into it full swing. But unlike the first time around this is not for the paycheck. I realize I have so much of my crazy life left to show an audience what makes me tick. This time around it is about me being me. Darkside and all!
Truth be told it is so much easier NOT being an actor. Just a ton more boring. Problem is an actor is who I am. It is really the only thing that has ever made sense in my life... as far as what direction is best for me. That's why I was so drawn to it in the first place. I wish I could be happy working 9-5 behind a desk but I can't. My life is in the arts, my mind is vastly misunderstood, and my heart is aching to be heard.
After taken the past few years off I am finally ready to get back into it full swing. But unlike the first time around this is not for the paycheck. I realize I have so much of my crazy life left to show an audience what makes me tick. This time around it is about me being me. Darkside and all!
Truth be told it is so much easier NOT being an actor. Just a ton more boring. Problem is an actor is who I am. It is really the only thing that has ever made sense in my life... as far as what direction is best for me. That's why I was so drawn to it in the first place. I wish I could be happy working 9-5 behind a desk but I can't. My life is in the arts, my mind is vastly misunderstood, and my heart is aching to be heard.
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