There are not many things in life that I wish I could have changed. No matter how bad I had it growing up sometimes I realize that those events needed to happen in the way it happened for me to be who I am now. You take away even one of them and who knows where I would be. I have however done a few things that looking back I feel sorry for.
I have always been a person that craves people liking him. I hate it when someone ignores me and I have absolutely no reason why. I also hate it when I know I did something to someone and apologized for it but they won't forgive me. It is just in my nature to be friends then make enemies. Hell, even most of the people I got in fights with growing up I was cool with them afterwards. I think one reason why is because I don't really hold grudges too long and I am not afraid to say that I was wrong.
One instance though continues to haunt me. I know it's trivial and many would think WHAT THE HELL, but seriously it does because I think it still effects the person today. And this goes a looooong way back to my Junior High days. I told you it was crazy!
In 8th grade I met a girl on the bus. She was a stunning Mexican-American girl in the 7th grade named Marisa Sarabia. I was taken by her immediately. I tried to talk with her a few times but quickly realized that she was the shy artist type. So I did what any red blooded, horny teenager would do. I wrote her a poem. My first ever.... Yes it was pretty bad. But when I gave it to her it broke the ice and shortly afterwards we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
I still remember the day when I got off at her stop (which was near my house but a mile down the road). She would not let me leave. She followed me half way to my house until I gave her a first kiss. I knew then that she was completely infatuated with the thought of us together and I knew she was something special. Unfortunately for me I was 13, cute and had friends who I thought I needed to be a playa around. So after awhile I broke it off with her. Honestly, I don't even remember how I did it, or what sparked the notion. All I remember is it happened.
Later in the year (a few girlfriends later) I started to realize how I really liked Marisa and how stupid I was before. So I asked her to be my girlfriend again and she accepted. We dated again for sometime but once school was over and the summer came by I broke it off once again. Why? Because I was stupid enough to think that I didn't want a girlfriend during the summer. *Hits self on head* "Idiot!!"
So the summer came and gone and I started my freshman year at High School. Unlike the year before when I saw her all the time in school, this time I only saw her at her bus stop in the afternoon. I got off around her bus stop one time and went to her house. I can't remember if I met her outdoors or if I actually knocked on her door but I do remember it started to rain and we were catching up outside. Suddenly the moment struck me and I got down on my knees and asked her out again. A THIRD TIME!!!! IN THE RAIN!!!! And for the third time she accepted. I felt like a romantic juggernaut at that point. And I left home feeling on top of the world. But not 30 minutes later my ego took control and I realized.... I'm in High School... she's still in Junior High... how is this gonna work. So I went up to my room, picked up the phone, and told her that I was not serious. OMG, who does that!!!! I guess I do. I mean I really did like her and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my girlfriend, but I was just too dumb to realize it then I guess. I could blame it on my dad for being a deadbeat and not teaching me anything, or my friends, but why.
It was pretty much over with after that. I hardly ever saw her the rest of the year and by the following year (when she made it to High School herself) she started dating another guy and didn't want anything to do with me. I still felt bad. I hated what I did to her and it hurt me double because I knew I was probably her first boyfriend and I messed with her head.
I know what you are thinking again. So what, she was what 12.. 13? She'll get over it. Well perhaps, but it doesn't stop there.
My junior year my family moved from Houston to Missouri. There I ended up finishing my last 2 years of school but I was tired of meeting new people. So I kept to myself a lot. My Senior year I had a crazy auto accident (one in which I should have died from) and I walked away without a scratch. Shortly after I started to miss Houston and wanted desperately to go back at any cost. In the middle of this obsession was... you guessed it... Marisa. I started writing her initials on my backpack just to see what it looked like. And soon enough I had the itch to talk to her again. Problem was I couldn't find her phone # anywhere. So, I got a hold of a person I knew at my old school to look in the school records for it (since my friend helped out in the office area) and I called her. Somehow, someway she actually talked to me again. Realizing phone calls were going to cost a fortune we began writing letters back and forth.
At first it started off friendly with normal talk but before long I started telling her that I missed her. And then my obsession took over completely when I said I was planning on going to college in Houston and we can see about picking things up again between us. I know right.. I mean how many times am I going to do this to her. I knew she liked the thought of it as well but this time she didn't get caught up in it all. She simply told me "We'll see what happens". Well, I couldn't wait to find a way back to her. A part of me wasn't sure if it was truly her or just the reason to go back to my home town. All I knew is I thought I was in love with her.
Until..... a week before graduation. I met another girl (the person that I am married to today). And suddenly my priorities changed. I wrote another letter to Marisa telling her I am not coming to Houston afterall. This time I actually felt bad for what I did to her. Here I was writing her over and over again that I wanted to be with her and giving her hopes up AGAIN and again I screw it all up.
Now, I can't complain one bit about how my life has turned out. I am 100% happy with my family... my place in life and where I am going. But it doesn't change how aweful I feel about what I did.
I tried to contact her a few times while in college and even was able to make it down to Texas twice to see her (she met my wife as well). But apparently the past just became too much and she stopped answering my phone calls. Once I got through with a different number she probably didn't recognize but quickly told me she couldn't talk. That was the last time I spoke with her (probably 6 years ago).
I often wonder why I have this need to contact her again. Is it to make myself feel better or perhaps my need to not have enemies. I don't know. Really, all I want to do is just make it right. Before I thought that meant showing her that I wanted to be with her. But now I realize I just needed to be a friend. Hopefully one day I'll get that chance again to be just that.
No comments:
Post a Comment