Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my talents. I've always felt this need to put myself out there for others to see, whether through acting, writing, artwork or photography. The medium didn't matter as long as the message was clear. The problem is I have to put myself into a solemn place in order to stay in that creative state, and with a wife and two kids I pretty much try and close that part of my life off as much as possible.
I have come to realize that the hardest part of being an artist is not doing the work... but not allowing yourself to do it. It starts out to be practical reasons... but it soon turns into this immovable object that forces you into thinking in terms of reality. I guess that is why my passion for acting never seems to leave me. I miss having that outlet to let me feelings out. All the anger that I've felt.... love.... heartbreak..... bliss.... pain. I could stand in front of a camera or audience and read the given words but in the tone of my self pitty and I would simply lose myself. The icing on the cake is when others approached me after telling me how real it felt as I was doing the scene.
But this is not just about acting. Ever since I was a teenager I have used my creativity in this manner. Artwork was one way and playing basketball was another. Somehow when I stepped onto a court I could literally forget everything that I have thought of up until that point. There were no bills to worry about, appointments to schedule, people to please. It was just me.... my mind.... and the ball. My focus would be so strong that no matter how I played or shot... afterwards I was completely at ease in my thoughts. But now that has been taken away from me. This pain in my foot has been constant for over 3 months now and even though I have taken steps to help eleviate it... the swelling is still present.
Suddenly I am transported back to 14 years old when my dad told me I was too short physically and mentally to ever think I could play basketball. Only that time I had the drive to prove him wrong.
Even now, I have these ideas that pop ever so crazy into my skull that I almost feel like I have to do something about it before my head explodes. I have thought of writing a book or a script but I always give way. I've thought of throwing paint on a canvas and just go nuts with it... but the sensible side take over. I've even thought of going back to acting classes just to get my creative juices out of my system... but again, I reason myself out of it.
Perhaps I am just too lazy to finish what I start. I'd like to think that I am just so passionate about things that I can only continue on while I'm in the moment. Once it passes... then my reasons for completion do as well.
I am not afraid of what others think... as this is what I once thought of myself. I am actually more afraid of wanting to complete the task at hand so badly that I lose all sense of reality. I love my family with everything I have and the thought of putting anything in life ahead of them literally just kills me.
I have accepted the husband and dad role 100%. I have adapted to my lifestyle and happy with my vacation trips and time spent with my family while meagerly making my way through life. And I would never forgive myself if I ever did anything to throw all of that away. But that doesn't stop my heart from wanting to pour out it's darkest secrets to an audience willing to listen.
