Falling On Deaf Ears

I have found this blog to be quite therapeutic.  I started out writing to see what the future had in store for me.  Perhaps once I relay the stored info of my brain to cyberspace then I could decypher the code that has been tormenting me all these years.  Lately though I have found it easier to write about what is just on my mind. 

Cool thing is I don't have to worry about anyone really giving a shit because I have maybe 2 people (not including my wife or myself) that actually read these blogs.  So that gives me free reign I guess.  Feels quite libertating.

Sometimes I have wondered why nobody else seems to care or read what I have to say... but then it hit me.  WHO REALLY CARES!  It's not THEIR life they are reading about so why would I expect anyone to take the time to look into it.  I mean sure I have a million things in my head to say.... not to mention a world full of adventures that I am sure not very many people on this planet have experienced.  But I would be naive to think that it mattered to someone else just the same as it did to me.

While I'm on this subject, "Why is it that people don't care?"  I ask this in the most rudimentary way because I do the same thing.  There are many times I don't take the time to see what makes others tick.  Maybe that is something I should do more of.  It's hard though to change who you are.  I have gone through so much in my life that I could literally relate to almost anything that someone talks to me about.  And it is hard to keep my mouth shut and just listen sometimes when I have a good follow up story to tell.

So I've learned to throw a bone at people to see if they bite, and if they don't then I don't mention it again.  For instance: I am very proud of my travels around the world but I am also very aware of how others might perceive my enthusiasm for rubbing it in.  Especially if others are not as fortunate financially as I have been.  So I might throw in something about an experience I had and start it with "When I was in Spain...".  If they seem interested and ask about the trip then I will talk about it but if not then it's quickly forgotten.

But to truly understand WHY I am the way I am you have to know where I am coming from.  See, I don't have a "best friend" (yeah yeah boo hoo) type of person to talk with.  My wife is literally the closest friend I have and I am perfectly okay with that.  And to be honest I have lived so long being my own psychologist that I really don't miss having one.  But every now and then it does feel good to share things to someone that is interested.  Perhaps that is why I feel so artistic.  It's just a way to express my feelings out without having to seek someone to listen to them.  If someone is interested then they can look at my work and respond accordingly.  If not then they will walk right on passed it.

I won't lie it's hard to live a life like that sometimes.  I crave attention from others and want so bad to just express my feelings to everyone.  But deep down inside I know that it would all be for not.  What's the point?  You speak your mind... someone else pretends to listen... end of story.  If you continue to speak your mind about things to that person then you become a drama queen.  Who needs or wants that reputation.

So, I find it easier just to be to myself.  Why not... it's comfortable here in my own brain.  I could easily be a hermit in life and lock myself away from anyone that isn't my immediate family and it would not bother me.  Many times in the past that is exactly what I've done.  Of course I would like to have friends to count on to talk with or call up out of the blue to hang out, but that hasn't happened for me.  The way I see it, if nobody really cares enough to get to know me then why should I even try.  I reserve my most intimate details of my life for those who want to know about it.