As I moved around from school to school a lot I learned to not make very many friends. It was the only way I found effective with not being attached when it was time to leave. That shell was finally broken when I met my wife and soon after had 2 great kids. Suddenly the doors opened up and for once I actually felt the need to lean on others for a good time.
That confidence grew into a means of wanting to be an actor and within 18 months found myself in Los Angeles. Instantly I was meeting new people in acting class and on set and realized a portion of what I have been missing my entire life. But as the years bore on and people slowly started to break away (either by moving out of town or losing touch) I started to feel my outer shell building again. Unbeknown to many I really am a sensitive person (even though I know I can hide it so well), so to escape the feeling of wanting I turned back towards my family as my crutch. Soon after I found going on trips instantly opened my mind to new horizons and began exploring the world like I was Kane in Kung Fu.
It wasn't until last year on New Years when reality hit once again. Somehow, someway, through no fault of my own, I stumbled upon a group of people that for the first time in my life I felt included. And over this past year I have been able to enjoy get-to-gethers, birthdays, dinners, vacation trips, and sometimes just sitting around doing nothing special. Still, I took this all in with a grain of salt KNOWING the ball was going to drop at any moment and I must be prepared to move on.
Interesting enough, there were some times when I felt that coming on- but strangely I found myself back into the fold and I realized... this is what having friends really is about. It's not about being perfect for them or them likewise to me, it's not about me proving myself that I belong all the time, and it's not about spending every fun moment together. It's simply about feeling like I matter to others in a way that I've never felt before.
Now, I'm still new to all of this and sure I will say things at times that could be inappropriate to the setting by making a joke about something, or perhaps some of these people will eventually get tired of who I am (if they haven't already). The point is, I am starting to refuse the notion of living my life without having others around me that I can enjoy it with.
Perhaps others might think I'm being too sensitive on this subject or thinking it out way too much.... but this truly is uncharted waters and that's a big deal for me.
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