Pushing Myself Until I Bleed

Funny realization today.  I was in the shower and suddenly I am overwhelmed with the answer that I have been lacking all these years.  "Why am I not more committed to follow through on things I start?"

This question has bothered me over the years because I felt I was lazy in my way of thinking.  But I soon realized that it's not laziness at all.  In fact, in my early years (high school and before) I was crazy dedicated to getting things done.  In weight lifting I pushed myself to double my bench press weight in a 3 month span.  In basketball I set out to be the best I could be and learn from my mistakes.  I even spent countless hours working on my vertical leap until I was finally able to hang on a 10 foot rim and dunk at least a small ball.  Being only 5'7 at the time I thought that was pretty impressive. 

The change happened after I was married and when my daughter was born.  I realized I didn't need to push myself anymore to be the best at anything else but being a father.  Suddenly, THAT became my focus and any personal achievements I have made or wanted to make took a quick backseat.

Over the years, as I began focusing on my acting career, those newfound feelings were still present.  If I didn't book a job I said "so what".  I was happy with everything else in my life and didn't see the need to push myself beyond the call of duty for anything trivial.  I also didn't want to take anything away from me being the best father and husband I could be. 

You see, when I pushed myself hard to accomplish a goal (in my younger years) I was quite neurotic about it.  I would get on my case every chance I got to be better and I would go until my body couldn't physically take any more.  I wanted to show everyone that I could do what I set out to do.  Now, I guess I am a bit afraid to put myself out there like that feeling maybe it will take away from my duties at home.  I am more concerned with making sure I am there as a dad than I am making sure I complete a task.

I don't know what I am going to do with this information now.  I am just glad I figured it out.  Hopefully I can find a grown up way to balance my intensity as I pursue goals I've always wanted to complete and being home when I am needed.

I do think it is time I put myself out there once again and show the world who I am and what I am on this Earth to do.