Painting With A Story

BROKEN

I am the shadow of my own creation.  Scattered across the land searching to find the man I am supposed to be.  Longing to be free from the chains of my mind to unwind the hands of time and somehow turn over this hourglass.  But alas it’s no use.  This world is too obtuse to understand the likes of me as I travel endlessly limping like an injured squirrel trying to cross the road.  For this load that I bear is far greater than I ever feared.  And that scares me to tears.

All my life I have searched for that one constant thought that would be my beginning.  Instead I keep on sinking further into this quicksand of failures.  I fear that I have endured far too much in this life that this strife I feel will forever keep me still.  As I lose touch with all that is real.

Broken and shattered my mind tries to keep up with the beats of my heart, pulling me away from this infinite pain.  But it runs too deep inside my veins that I am unable to get away from these thoughts that lead me astray.

The question is, “What’s stopping me”?  The road is right there in front of me, to cross the path to uncertainty…

4-18-12

The Darkside of No Return

Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my talents.  I've always felt this need to put myself out there for others to see, whether through acting, writing, artwork or photography.  The medium didn't matter as long as the message was clear.  The problem is I have to put myself into a solemn place in order to stay in that creative state, and with a wife and two kids I pretty much try and close that part of my life off as much as possible.

I have come to realize that the hardest part of being an artist is not doing the work... but not allowing yourself to do it.  It starts out to be practical reasons... but it soon turns into this immovable object that forces you into thinking in terms of reality.  I guess that is why my passion for acting never seems to leave me.  I miss having that outlet to let me feelings out.  All the anger that I've felt.... love.... heartbreak..... bliss.... pain.  I could stand in front of a camera or audience and read the given words but in the tone of my self pitty and I would simply lose myself.  The icing on the cake is when others approached me after telling me how real it felt as I was doing the scene. 

But this is not just about acting.  Ever since I was a teenager I have used my creativity in this manner.  Artwork was one way and playing basketball was another.  Somehow when I stepped onto a court I could literally forget everything that I have thought of up until that point.  There were no bills to worry about, appointments to schedule, people to please.  It was just me.... my mind.... and the ball.  My focus would be so strong that no matter how I played or shot... afterwards I was completely at ease in my thoughts.  But now that has been taken away from me.  This pain in my foot has been constant for over 3 months now and even though I have taken steps to help eleviate it... the swelling is still present.

Suddenly I am transported back to 14 years old when my dad told me I was too short physically and mentally to ever think I could play basketball.  Only that time I had the drive to prove him wrong. 

Even now, I have these ideas that pop ever so crazy into my skull that I almost feel like I have to do something about it before my head explodes.  I have thought of writing a book or a script but I always give way.  I've thought of throwing paint on a canvas and just go nuts with it... but the sensible side take over.  I've even thought of going back to acting classes just to get my creative juices out of my system... but again, I reason myself out of it.

Perhaps I am just too lazy to finish what I start.  I'd like to think that I am just so passionate about things that I can only continue on while I'm in the moment.  Once it passes... then my reasons for completion do as well.

I am not afraid of what others think... as this is what I once thought of myself.  I am actually more afraid of wanting to complete the task at hand so badly that I lose all sense of reality.  I love my family with everything I have and the thought of putting anything in life ahead of them literally just kills me.

I have accepted the husband and dad role 100%.  I have adapted to my lifestyle and happy with my vacation trips and time spent with my family while meagerly making my way through life.  And I would never forgive myself if I ever did anything to throw all of that away.  But that doesn't stop my heart from wanting to pour out it's darkest secrets to an audience willing to listen.

Resolution

Not sure if I truly believe in a New Years resolution but if I did I guess this is how it would go.

Like every year I want my photography to keep growing.  This year in 2011 I have made strides to increase sales for 2012 (including adding multiple locations where I could shoot).  I had 3 location shoots the past few months and next year I plan to go full on with it.

Another one would have to be getting new headshots.  Now that my hair is much longer than it ever was before I have to get them done.  But doing them myself has been quite crazy as I need someone behind the camera to focus.  Soon, I plan to get this done.

And that's it.  Oh and World Peace!

Photography is Bump'n

A few days ago I decided to make my own photography banner to advertise.  LACasting has been updating my photos for me but sometimes I wonder if I put them to work too much by switching out photos and telling them what I wanted.

That was Friday.  Since then I have booked 7 appointments in 2 days (all wanting to get in as soon as possible).  And this is November which is normally my slow month.

I know it is too early to say but if this keeps up I will need to get a bigger studio.... and an assistant.  Seriously though, I am very happy with the calls coming in but I am even happier with their reactions when they leave.  They all say that they can't believe how patient I was and how I made them feel very at ease to get a natural smile or look from them.  Not to mention how great I was working with their kids.  Those kind of things make me feel very good about what I do.

As of today November 14th, I have surpassed my total from all of last year.  Hopefully the trend will continue for 2012.

My Left Foot

Shortly after returning from China about 5 weeks ago I woke up to a sharp pain in my left big toe.  Initially I thought I twisted it somehow in my sleep and started to ice it down.  But over the course of the next few days it got progressively worse with swelling.  I started to do some research on the internet and came up with gout as the possible cause. 

Immediately I started watching my caffeine intake and drink baking soda water and Apple Cidar vinegar.  I also had to take ibuprofen every night before I went to bed otherwise I would wake up to a rude awakening.  Two weeks go by and no change for the better.  However I did start feeling lower back pain that eventually went to my neck.  Okay now I am getting really frustrated.  Not only can I not walk very well but I can't bend over or turn my head.  Solution: more ibprofen.  Not to mention my mom worried me about having diabeties.  Thanks mom for that one.  Also, I kept getting conflicting information from the internet as well from it being a nerve disorder to a sprain toe and even HIV.  DUDE!!!!!

Finally I had enough.  Last friday I checked around for a cheap doctor to go to (since I do not have insurance) and stumbled upon a practice for media, television and the arts.  They asked if I had a SAG card and low and behold I did.  They got me in immediately and ran tests with my blood and took xrays... all for only $25.  I know!!!!!

Yesterday I get the news that everything is normal.  Good to know that I do not have any life threatening disease but not good in the fact that I am back to square one.  I did do some more research and found that even though it may not show up on an xray or blood sample that gout could still be present.  So the past 2 days I have tried to drink as much water as possible in hopes of flushing this thing out.

I think I feel better but I won't know for sure until I am able to wake up in the morning without having to take ibuprofen the night before.  I plan on waiting a few days before I try that again.

I am just hoping this thing gets resolved before Hawaii at the end of the month.

Afraid of Loss

I have always been a guarded person.  Growing up I had an attitude that I was not going to allow anyone get to me so I use to pre-plan in my head scenarios that I would encounter so when I did encounter that I already knew how to handle myself.  The price I paid for doing that was I never really let anyone in.

Now I know I touched on this in a previous blog but this leads me to an interesting conclusion: that I am actually afraid of loss.  I have learned to not grow attached to things whether it be belongings, lifestyle or even people.  When I find something that I really start to care about I tend to brush it off as if it was gone tomorrow then so be it.

My immediate family (wife and kids) are truly the only thing that I really care very deeply about.  If anything were to happen to anyone of them I don't know how I would react.  But when it comes to everything else... ehhhh!

When I was a kid I use to love cats.  I had one named Sissy.  When I was in 10th grade I hurt my knee enough where I had to put some icy-hot on it.  Sissy came by and started licking it off my knee and not a minute later she was rolling on the ground like it was catnip.  Ever since then she was my cat.  When I left for college my parents gave it up without me knowing.  Now I never cried or anything like that but every pet I have owned since then I have compared to Sissy and none of them have measured up.  I actually started to develope an "I don't care" attitude with animals after that.

When people are concerned I feel I act similar.  I am quick to make friends because of my open and playful attitude but as soon as I feel crossed in some way then I discard them.  I do this because of the fear of giving myself up to something that could eventually hurt me.  I guess that is why I hate hospitals and funerals and refuse to go to them if I can avoid it.

It's good to feel this way about material things though.  I had no problem giving up my smart phone when they wanted to rape me for extra charges.  I also have no problem with uprooting myself and moving at any time.  I would actually give up most of the things in my place if needed without even blinking. 

Will this be something that I always carry around with me for the rest of my life?  I have no idea how to answer that.  A part of me doesn't want to change at all but sometimes I feel I need to for the sake of others around me.

I'm An Egotistical Sonofab.....

Okay, so the title might be a little harsh, but it's true to a point.

I came to the realization today (I know out of nowhere) that I am so focused on what I am doing that I fail to engage when others tell me what is going on with them.  I guess it hit me when I noticed my daughters tv on at 12:30am.  As soon as I opened the door she quickly acted like she was sleeping.  My first instinct was to just turn the tv off and tell her that I knew she was awake and no tv.  After closing the door I thought, "Why didn't I show more concern and just ask her if everything was okay?"  I mean it was Saturday night so no school tomorrow and perhaps she couldn't sleep for some reason.

That got the noggin' a joggin' and the more I thought of it the more I realized how true it was... that I am focused on myself.  I thought back to when I would be in a conversation with others and instead of acknowledging them and asking more questions I tend to have my own story on the subject.  That means I was thinking of my story when they were talking to me and most likely I wasn't listening all the way.

This saddens me to a point because I really don't want to be this person at all.  I could blame my acting background and photographers nature or memememememe attitude but why?  This is definitely something I can and most likely will try to change now that I am aware.  The main thing is I have to change for the benefit of the other people around me and not for them to notice I am changing.  Otherwise it would be about me again.