Afraid of Loss

I have always been a guarded person.  Growing up I had an attitude that I was not going to allow anyone get to me so I use to pre-plan in my head scenarios that I would encounter so when I did encounter that I already knew how to handle myself.  The price I paid for doing that was I never really let anyone in.

Now I know I touched on this in a previous blog but this leads me to an interesting conclusion: that I am actually afraid of loss.  I have learned to not grow attached to things whether it be belongings, lifestyle or even people.  When I find something that I really start to care about I tend to brush it off as if it was gone tomorrow then so be it.

My immediate family (wife and kids) are truly the only thing that I really care very deeply about.  If anything were to happen to anyone of them I don't know how I would react.  But when it comes to everything else... ehhhh!

When I was a kid I use to love cats.  I had one named Sissy.  When I was in 10th grade I hurt my knee enough where I had to put some icy-hot on it.  Sissy came by and started licking it off my knee and not a minute later she was rolling on the ground like it was catnip.  Ever since then she was my cat.  When I left for college my parents gave it up without me knowing.  Now I never cried or anything like that but every pet I have owned since then I have compared to Sissy and none of them have measured up.  I actually started to develope an "I don't care" attitude with animals after that.

When people are concerned I feel I act similar.  I am quick to make friends because of my open and playful attitude but as soon as I feel crossed in some way then I discard them.  I do this because of the fear of giving myself up to something that could eventually hurt me.  I guess that is why I hate hospitals and funerals and refuse to go to them if I can avoid it.

It's good to feel this way about material things though.  I had no problem giving up my smart phone when they wanted to rape me for extra charges.  I also have no problem with uprooting myself and moving at any time.  I would actually give up most of the things in my place if needed without even blinking. 

Will this be something that I always carry around with me for the rest of my life?  I have no idea how to answer that.  A part of me doesn't want to change at all but sometimes I feel I need to for the sake of others around me.