Scared to Be Judged!

Recently I played a pickup game of basketball and it got my mind going.  Here I was taking these guys to the hoop over and over again.  Keep in mind I haven't played in about a year but the game was coming easy for me.  I was passing the ball around off the drive, hitting turnaround fadaways and beating people off the dribble like it was my job.  Suddenly, I slowed up.  Not because I was tired or injured but because I didn't want to kick the other people's butts that much.  This got me thinking: do I do this is my normal life as well?

As stated I love attention.  I want people to come up to me telling me how good I am at something, but everytime I get it I always seem to shy away from it instead of embrace it.  It's like I have this need to look like I'm being humble.  Just like in that basketball game when I decided to ease up, I find that I do that with everything.

Perhaps it's my way of wanting others to like me that I try not to be too full of myself, but this also leaves me with an empty feeling of wanting to go for it.  I mean I push myself hard to be really good at something and once I get to a certain point where I am better than average I tend to slow down not wanting to put myself fully out there. 

The way I see it is, if I am better than average then people will see how good I am... but if I am really good then I am afraid I will open myself up to criticism and that is hard for me to take.  When it all comes down to it I am just scared of letting my true self be seen and judged.

Just once I want to push myself to be the BEST... not just better.  To go for the everlasting goal instead of the short term accomplishment and show myself that I can do something without always worrying about what others feel about it.  The problem is I am a perfectionist in my own way.  I tend to overthink my course of action to avoid mistakes when really I just need to take a step out into that world of uncertainty and let it rain.  Maybe this is also a reason why I feel I have unfinished business in the acting world.

My mind is brewing and soon I think it is about to explode with a creative nature that I have never seen or experienced before.  Hopefully I will push myself to the limit wanting to be great instead of settling for just being good.