NEW ENGLAND BLOG June 30th, 2021 - Flying to Providence, Rhode Island

 

06/30/21- Finally, after a 2020 year of craziness we are able to travel.  Our son just turned 21 and we flew out four days ago from New York to Las Vegas to celebrate.  Since we booked a few months in advance we were able to upgrade our seats to First Class using our miles and couldn’t have been happier with the meal service, drinks, lay-flat seats and speedy accommodations through security for that six hour flight.

Fast forward to this morning.  Our four days in Vegas were fun and yet very hot (as much as 110 degrees), but we’re now ready to start our New England portion of our trip as our flight is set to leave at 11:55am.

Grabbed an UBER and our flight left on-time despite a passenger being kicked off the plane for not wanting to wear her mask.  That’s a fine that would’ve been better suited to playing the tables in Vegas.

Connecting flight through Detroit brings us to Providence, Rhode Island around 11pm where we’ll be for the first night.  Tomorrow will mark our first official day on this East Coast swing and can’t wait to get started.

My novel "October"

Things are picking up for me on my book.  I finished my first novel last year in November called "October"  It took me parts of four years to write.  I say parts because I only wrote the book in the month of October.  Hence, the title.  It goes beyond that, however, as the story itself takes place in that month.

Since finishing it, I have felt accomplished, happy, confident and eager to start a sequel which I did in February.  Called "October Sun" it takes place four years later where the first one left off and so far I am about a third of the way through.  Nine chapters so far and 22k words (102 pages).  Originally I felt these would be two separate book with the second being a stand alone.  But now I am considering combining them into one larger novel calling the first "Session 1" and the second part "Session 2"

A ton of options I have and I am quite happy with my progress since starting in 2013.  Regardless, the tough road is still ahead as am editor and publisher would be my next steps.

At this point, I am unsure how far I can take this.  All I know is I have a bit of an understanding of what I can do and hope that I can do something with it.  Should be an interesting road ahead.

The Scary Truth of Myself

With every year that passes, I feel my intellect also growing.  Of course this may not be anything new to some as people are suppose to learn from their experiences.  But that is not what I am necessarily talking about.  No, when I say growing I actually mean my untapped potential.

The more I begin to understand what drives me, the more separated I feel from everyone else.  I really do not strive to feel this way, it is just so hard to go back once you know.  Okay, now I am sure I have lost some of you (or most of you), but that is just my point.

I use to thrive on blending in with people.  I could dumb down my senses to get along with anyone at any time.  Of course I have always been withdrawn to some degree and have preferred to be on my own many times, but I just figured it was because I just needed to work on my personality more.  So, over the years I fought with myself to be more extroverted.  My sense of humor grew out of that as I tried to have people see the wit inside me.  I came to realize that I also really loved the challenge of this, so much so that I started to forget WHY I was doing this in the first place.

No longer was I showing off to fit in, but suddenly I was doing it to show how different I actually was compared to everyone else.  Out of that notion grew to where I am at today; a person who has found my potential to write and create beautiful things.  Yet, out of that creativity I have found myself to be more and more of a recluse.

Why do I have this strange need to constantly distance myself from the rest of the population?  Could this be my way of creating something unique at all times, not wanting to follow in someone else's footsteps?  Perhaps.  That very well could have a lot to do with this, but it can't be the only reason.

I think I am beginning to see what I can do when I simply block out the world around me.  I start to crave that inspiration within so much that I have abandoned my social life all together.  Of course, I haven't completely set sail from my friends, but I haven't minded being apart from them more often either.

It's true that the higher intellect a person has, the more they observe what is around them.  I find myself constantly aware of my surrounding, who's in it, what is going on and how to prepare myself for almost every outcome I may face.  Before, I thought this was a sort of fear of not being ready and caught off guard, which actually is most of what I feel.  More so I have learned that the more I prepare myself, the smoother my emotions can be overall, allowing me to judge situations quickly and at a steady pace.

I can do wonderful things because I allow myself to think things through without throwing too much emotion into the equation.  This is something I have learned that very little people can actually do. I use to judge these people for whatever reason I saw fit, but now, in some ways, I envy them for being able to turn a blind eye when I can't.

My mind is in constant motion.  I have written full length books, screenplays, taught myself how to draw, photograph, repair things in need as well as manage my finances.  I even have much larger aspirations that if I really put my mind to it I know I will achieve in the not too distant future.  But there is one rare quality that I do possess that keeps me from going full tilt crazy.  The one thing that can truly keep me grounded at all times.  My family.

Whether it's a good thing or not for me, I know they come first in my life.  Somehow, I have been able to steady myself to focus on them and not be so selfish with my time.  But the time will soon come when both of my children are out on their own and I will have nothing to hold me back on what I want to accomplish.  Now don't get that statement wrong.  I do not think my children are the reason that I haven't accomplished more and I surely never regret anything about them. 

Truth be told they keep my sane by helping me provide stability.  I want nothing more than to pass along my knowledge onto them and have them creatively take that where ever it may lead.  Hopefully they will feel they are successful at life just as I feel right now.  All I am saying is, once they leave I will no longer have any excuses to give myself on why I am not pursuing passions that lay hidden inside of me.

I will never find someone in this lifetime that will ever get me to the same degree as I need them to.  My wife is the closest thing I will ever have, but that is only because she has learned my behavior over the years where she knows my tendencies.  And for that I am forever in love with her.  But in regards to a confident who I can bounce ideas off of, that won't happen.  Not because I feel I am above everyone else, but because I won't allow myself that chance.

I can't fake a relationship with someone.  If I don't like a person then I simply stay away.  And due to my over analytical nature, I always find differences in others that I feel I can't be around.  The main fault is when I feel ignored or disrespected.  Once that happens, I walk away from that individual and if they don't come up to me to explain (whether they know what they did or not) then I emotionally detach myself from that person.  I just chose not to be a part of something that I don't get the same respect from.

For instance, if I offer up my time to spend with someone and I feel disregarded then I stop offering.  I give people chances, but once that is broken then I am no longer engaged to hang out with that person.  And why should I.  If it is obvious to me that they wish not to hang out with me then what is putting myself in their face going to do?  Perhaps a less intellectual person can go through the motions and just enjoy another person's company regardless of how they feel, but I can't. 

My wife won me over because she sought ME out.  And after over twenty years she still puts in the time to try and understand who I am.  There has never been another person who has offered that same satisfaction to my voided heart and most likely there never will be. 

I admit, I enjoy hanging out with others in groups.  Going on trips to Vegas and overseas, watching the Superbowl, enjoying a birthday party here and there.  But sometimes I wish I had those one on one conversations that I see so many others having with each other.  I want to feel special too, like I am someone people WANT to hang out with.  I want for others to seek me out whether for advise or simply for my company because I make them feel better.  Yet time and time again, I find myself passed over on this notion for reasons I can only think have to do with my personality.

Perhaps people can read my standoffish nature.  Or they feel intimidated by me in some way that they themselves do not want to feel stupid around me.  I know my dry sense of humor gets excessive at times, but that is only because I am comfortable at that moment.  Maybe others don't see it that way.

Either case, I know I am doomed to carry this burden.  There is no way for me to fake who I am to be someone I'm not.  I would never be happy with myself in that respect.  Bottom line: I am happy with what I have accomplished in life, but sorely not content with it.  I crave more!  I will always crave more just as I always strive to be better.  And for that, I will be cynical and demanding of myself as well as hold others to my standards.  Even if it means that I will never know what a best friend is outside of my family.

Poem of My Life

I live in a dark world with sunshine all around me. I am both sensitive and an assassin. People don't understand me and yet I can get along with anyone. My life is all or nothing and I am just fine with that. Love me and hate me at the same time it doesn't matter as my mind is a temple of strength while my heart is made of glass.

I Have Friends... Who Knew!

As I moved around from school to school a lot I learned to not make very many friends.  It was the only way I found effective with not being attached when it was time to leave.  That shell was finally broken when I met my wife and soon after had 2 great kids.  Suddenly the doors opened up and for once I actually felt the need to lean on others for a good time. 

That confidence grew into a means of wanting to be an actor and within 18 months found myself in Los Angeles.  Instantly I was meeting new people in acting class and on set and realized a portion of what I have been missing my entire life.  But as the years bore on and people slowly started to break away (either by moving out of town or losing touch) I started to feel my outer shell building again. Unbeknown to many I really am a sensitive person (even though I know I can hide it so well), so to escape the feeling of wanting I turned back towards my family as my crutch.  Soon after I found going on trips instantly opened my mind to new horizons and began exploring the world like I was Kane in Kung Fu. 

It wasn't until last year on New Years when reality hit once again.  Somehow, someway, through no fault of my own, I stumbled upon a group of people that for the first time in my life I felt included.  And over this past year I have been able to enjoy get-to-gethers, birthdays, dinners, vacation trips, and sometimes just sitting around doing nothing special.  Still, I took this all in with a grain of salt KNOWING the ball was going to drop at any moment and I must be prepared to move on. 

Interesting enough, there were some times when I felt that coming on- but strangely I found myself back into the fold and I realized... this is what having friends really is about.  It's not about being perfect for them or them likewise to me, it's not about me proving myself that I belong all the time, and it's not about spending every fun moment together.  It's simply about feeling like I matter to others in a way that I've never felt before. 

Now, I'm still new to all of this and sure I will say things at times that could be inappropriate to the setting by making a joke about something, or perhaps some of these people will eventually get tired of who I am (if they haven't already).  The point is, I am starting to refuse the notion of living my life without having others around me that I can enjoy it with.

Perhaps others might think I'm being too sensitive on this subject or thinking it out way too much.... but this truly is uncharted waters and that's a big deal for me.

No Regrets

I had my close calls in acting that could have propelled me into a different direction, but for one reason or another it was not meant to be.  I've auditioned for staring roles on tv shows, speaking lines in film, numerous national spot commercials and even was up for a contract regular role on a soap opera.  If any one of those would have came to pass my life right now may have been different.

Many times I look back at those auditions and situations and wondered "what if".  But as time goes on I have come to realize that it simply wasn't my time for that so why have regrets.  This goes for the rest of my life as well.  There were times growing up when I wish I had done some things differently to avoid embarrassment or some sort, but what if I did.  My life now could have been worse off or much different than it is now and for what?

For instance: back in high school I am reminded of a time when I was in class and my shirt was stolen right from under my desk.  I mentioned this out loud and nobody fessed up about anything.  The teacher did what he could but it was obvious this was going no where fast.  Looking back on that I know how I could have handled it and most likely got my shirt back in the process, but at what expense.  What if the person who took it got pissed off and decided to teach me a lesson one day?  I've always been able to take care of myself, but if you don't see it coming or run into a person who just doesn't give a sh*t....well, you just never know.

So as much as I would have liked to have made different choices at times I realize that each one of them I made has led me up to who and where I am today.

Being A Professional Temp

For years I have joked that I am a professional temp.  When asked what that means I've replied with, "Someone who can turn a 3 week job into a 3 month job".  All while not being noticed.

The key is to do just enough to keep your job but not so much as to work yourself OUT of the job.  Bosses really only care about one thing- getting the job done.  They don't care how long it really takes or how much the company is spending on a temp to get it done... only that it is being taken off of their plate and the temp seems to be doing their job well.  I came to realize this early on and it has paid off in longer term employment.  Not only that but I have been recalled for that same company several times.

So anyone out there looking to do the temping game to supplement their self employment "real job"... do yourself a favor and stay under the radar.  The one thing bosses hate more than anything is to be shown up or proven wrong.  Do your job at a steady pace, show that you can work independently and you will have a job for quite some time.

Finally... My Prints Are Up For Sale

Over recent years I have dabbled in getting my photos from my trips overseas together and sell them.  I've had some sales and stockpiled some frames but never created a website... until now!  Just this weekend I was finally able to put up a new website selling my prints.  It only has about 6 places to start but at least I have something started.

http://jalanphotography.com/Prints.html

We'll see how quick it gets going... although I do expect it to be slow before people catch on.  I'm just happy to get this part behind me and now I have something to provide when asked.

Dumbing Down to Fit the Masses

After all of these years on this planet I have just recently learned one valuable thing.  Sometimes a person can actually be "Too Smart".  I've lived my life knowing that my mind works differently than most.  I pride myself in my intellect, my quick wit and my way of life.  But it comes at a price.

Not everyone has the patience to deal with a person like me.  I like to speak my mind (keeping it tasteful) and catch people off guard when I can.  But apparently that rubs many people the wrong way.  Not to mention it is tough for someone to keep an intellectual conversation with me when all they want to do is unwind.  Stumped I decided to work on that part of my life.

Just today I came to the realization that I need to dumb myself down more.  I have to work on not being on my toes at all times and just go with the flow.  This is not just for friends but for all other parts of my life as well.  For instance at a temp job... bosses don't want to know that their employee is smarter than they are for obvious reasons.  And here I was thinking that all of that "doing things on my own" stuff was helping my cause.  Also, in acting it seems CDs, agents, producers, directors and everyone else that has some control wants to keep that control.  They are more apt to work with a "ditsy" actor than someone who can call them out.  Which again is understandable.

So, I plan on taking this new found info I've learned and start applying it to my daily life.  Not because I feel this is what people want from me, but to make my life more enjoyable.

Sacraficing For the Kids

Had a conversation with my wife about future trips yesterday and she got me thinking.  How much more do I really need to explore right now?  Sure, I would like to visit Russia and Australia but I have been going non-stop for the past 7 years and feel it's best to leave some of this stuff for later down the road.  The problem I found is... I liked planning the trips (almost as much as actually going on them). 

Then I remembered my kids and thought what a perfect opportunity for them.  I've been toying with the idea of taking them to Europe one day and I think it's finally time to really start putting that to work.  My plan is to take them to the first 3 locations I went to way back in 2007- London, Paris and Rome.  Since I've already been to these places twice already, it's one of the reasons why I've been putting this off with them.  But after more thought I realize it's time.  A smile appears when I even think about their faces when they first see the Roman Forum as I did. 

The main thing though is the NY trip next year with them.  This will be the first trip for them that will last more than a week (aside from visiting family).  If all goes well and I feel they are mature enough for the trip then I will put the Europe trip with kids plan in effect for 2015. 

LA- Great For the Career... Sucks For the Soul

It's been just over 10 years since the big move to LA.  Professional I have never been in a better place in my life.  Added to the fact that my wife and I have absolutely the best relationship we could ever hope for, how could I complain.  But the one thing that has been missing during this whole time here is an actual friend to count on.

There have been several potential people here and there but every time they run and do their own thing and turn out to be exposed as the selfish individuals that they are.  Can't really fault them, however, since this is LA and everyone here seems to be more about making a name for themselves somehow then being someone's friend.  Still it doesn't make it any easier sometimes.

It use to urk me when I finally meet a person I could hang out with only to find that they are on their way out of LA.  Now I realize why.  I mean in my 20s I didn't care who I hung out with.  One day you're at a club and the next in Santa Barbara enjoying some wine tasting.  But as I've been getting older it seems more and more that all I would really like is to just have some people I could truly count on to just hang with.  You know the ones that you can call up and they'll be over in a second.  Right now it just seems the only people that I can get together with are the ones that want to do happy hour to get work stuff off their mind.  Spending time with others shouldn't have to involve alcohol EVERY SINGLE TIME and if it does then what's the point.

Maybe this is why I've tinkered with the idea of moving abroad.  Somewhere to a smaller town that has actual family values.  Who knows if that will ever come to pass and if it does how would I still be able to advance in my photography.  That's the key.  I've found the perfect career and have the perfect family.... just wish I could balance that with the perfect group of friends.  Guess you can't have it all!

How Can I Afford To Go On Trips?

People ask me all the time... how can I afford to go on all the overseas trips I do every year.  I try to explain in short that I budget my money well but it's not just about that.  In truth it's the lifestyle I choose to live and not something you can actually teach to somebody else... especially if they are not willing to learn.  But I will try.

In a nutshell... I am not rich by any means.  I didn't come into a fortune, no rich relative is supporting me, and I am not dealing drugs.  I just found a way to prioritize the income that comes in to make sure that my expenses don't exceed it.  Aaaaaaaand, boring!  I know it's not sexy and probably not what you wanted to hear but it's really what I do.

For instance... I see time and time again people I know boasting about going to this movie or this restaurant.  Now once here and there is okay but every week I see this.  I start adding it up and figure they must be spending upwards to $150 a month on this alone.  Which comes out to $1800 a year.  There's your 2 plane tickets to Europe.  Then I see other people buying new clothes all the time and hitting the clubs like they're rockstars and enjoying "happy hour" every payday.  There's another $150 a month (your hotels and transportation taken care of).  And don't get me started on how much a smartphone plan cost which many people do not need.  Honestly, if you are living paycheck to paycheck and have a smartphone then I think your phone is smarter than you... but that's another blog.

There are many ways to save up money to do what you want in life.  Spending money like it's water is not one of them.  And I get it... you have friends that you want to hang out with, or family that you don't want to disappoint.  But when it is all said and done you have to ask yourself one thing- Will these people be there for me when I need them?  You might find out that the very people you are trying to please are the same people that could give two shits about you when you have nothing more to offer.

So while others are boasting about trying out that new Italian restaurant that just opened up down the road, I am actually going to Rome for authentic Italian food.  But hey... if going through life not knowing what's in your bank account makes you happy then by all means have fun.  Just know that I am not only having fun now... but I am saving so I can continue to have fun thirty years from now.

Smoking is for WEAK MINDED Assholes

Touching on a subject where I know many of you will hate... but most of you will have to agree.  Smoking of any kind is for weak minded people who can't can't handle dealing with life as it comes.

Ahhh, now I feel a little bit better.  I am just sick of people lighting up cigarettes around me like they don't even know what they are doing.  I go to the hot tub to relax and get away only to have some tubby ass dumbshits sit down and light up.  ASSHOLE!  I see people walking out of buildings and immediately light up a cigarette.  WEAK ASS!  It just doesn't make sense to me and never will. 

So what if your co-worker gave you a hard time today... you really going to let them be the cause of you pissing others off.  OMG, you got a low grade on your college exam- is polluting the air going to magically change it to passing?  Cigarettes are not addicting... it's YOUR BRAIN that makes it that way.  And if you are broke each month but still muster up enough cash to buy a carton then you are a DUMBASS piece of shit.

In all seriousness... what you do to yourself on your time is really your business.  You can smoke a cig while wearing a bra on your head and jumping on a pogo stick for all I care.  But once you bring that smell to my face then we have a problem.  But I'll tell you what... if you really think that smoking is your right and nobody can tell you different then the next time you light up a cigarette I will gladly stand right next to you and shout obscenities in your ear at the top of my lungs until you are finished.  I mean... if you feel it necessary to blow smoke in my face then you shouldn't mind a little bit of noise pollution in yours. 

*Drops mic and steps off soapbox*

Money Is Never the Answer

Money!  Why has this one concept completely dominated the world?  Is this what life has become?  I often wonder why this is such a motivator for people to build their lives around like it's their form of religion.

It's actually quite disgusting how we have been so dependent on "earning" that we forget how to spend it properly.  I am so tired of seeing people spending up to their income and beyond and then bitch and complain about being in debt.  It just doesn't make sense.  I mean you would think that a person making $200k a year is financially well off but behind the scenes you see that they are having problems making their mortgage each month with their $2 million home and 3 brand new cars outside (each with a personalized license plate naming each one).  So I ask a question again... why do we feel the need to overspend to feel happy?

Now I have had my fair share of indulging in my youth... but over the years I have managed to pay off both my cars in full, have ZERO roll over credit card debt each month and build a nice little stash for myself just in case.  I haven't even paid 1 cent in interest to a credit card company in about 7 years.  I was able to accomplish this all while living in a nice place with top rated schools for my children to attend.

If this post seems like I'm bragging... well I kinda am.  But really it's not that hard to live underneath your paycheck... it just takes discipline.  Something I'm sure that most people do not possess much less even know the definition of.

In the end we will all end up in the same place lying on our death beds wondering where all the years have gone.  At that point what difference does it make if we had material wealth or not.  Despite what the Egyptians believe you can't take it with you.  And who's to say that the ones you leave it too are better off.

The bottom line is... life should be about exploration, being free and leaving your surroundings in better condition than what you had to begin with.  The more we lose our souls to the green paper god, the more we devalue our overall existence.

People Are People... WHY?

I find it fascinating how other people choose to live their lives.  What happened to make people the way they are and why do they feel the way they do.  Perhaps it's the old actor notion in me that wants to understand people to a degree, but in truth I just want to put my own mind at ease.

For instance, what makes a person who grows up with a shitty father act the same way years later?  I'm not talking about psycho-babble Freudian crap either.  Just trying to find the bones deep truth of it all.  I had a crappy father... which I have made mention of several times before.  But I always felt the best way to handle that was to be a better person in all aspects of my life.  I chose to learn not just from my mistakes but from his... and my brothers as well.  I have no excuses because I know how not to be and what doesn't work.  The key is to keep figuring life out until it makes sense.

I know people aren't born with the answers they need so we have to make it up as we go.  But there is something to be said for common sense which seems to be lost on the masses and observed by the very few.

All I know is, I would never end up in the projects somewhere, cashing welfare checks and dealing drugs to survive... but if I ever were I would get up and move the F--- away... start over somewhere new and attempt to make a life for myself.  I fail to see me being really that much smarter, more dedicated and understanding than 90% of people in this world.  Then again... perhaps I really am born this way... to think for myself and not depend on others to lead me to their dreams.

I always felt that being intelligent is more than being able to calculate complex problems... but it is also trying to see other people's point of view and relate.  An art that is lost on today's world. 

Bang My Head Tooth Pain

Woke up this morning with my tooth hurting.  It started out with just a bit of pain but within an hour it was bang-my-head-against-the-wall unbearable.  I took an 800mg ibuprofen and waited.... and waited.... and waited.  Since the pain wouldn't let up I had to make an emergency dental appointment which I am happy they were able to get me in quickly.

I wish I could say that they patched it up and that was that, but sadly I know that tooth will have to come out soon.  Worse yet, it's my mid molar meaning I would need to have it replaced with an implant.  I've known this for about 3 months now (since the last time my tooth pain flared up) but with it happening again today it looks like I will have to take care of this sooner than later.

Total cost out of pocket will be around $3800 and I will have to wait about 3 to 6 months after my tooth is taken out and a partial bone put up into the gum before the implant can be put in.  Meaning that's 3 to 6 months of going without a vital tooth that I would need for eating.  Thankfully it is a mid molar and not seen clearly when I smile.

Hopefully I can put this off for a few more months but I know for sure that I will have to have it done.  It's just a matter of when now.

How I Met My Wife.... Both Times

With our 16th wedding anniversary approaching this month I have been reminded of how we first met (both times)... I'll explain.

The first time was Halloween of 1994.  I was a few months into my senior year of high school and working at the local grocery store.  After work I was introduced to her through my friend as we walked around the neighborhood.  Soon after I got her phone number and we talked on and off for the next month or so.  Soon after we lost touch for whatever reason.

Fast forward to the end of the school year.  I was a week away from graduation and already planning my future college life.  I had plans to go back to Houston and meet up with my former girlfriend who I've been writing letters to back and forth for several months now.  Yes, these were actually hand written letters sent via mail... not this new age email, text messing stuff.  One day I found myself in the weight room during gym class (a class I never miss) and I felt like leaving for whatever odd reason.  So I got dressed and walked right out of the gym door and there in front of me sitting on the hallway bench was my future wife.  I made eye contact as she motioned for me to sit next to her.  We talked for a few moments to catch up and I told her I tried to call once but it was disconnected.  She quickly gave me her new phone # as it had been changed.  Not even a day later I got a call from her asking if I'd go with her to meet a few friends after school and that was that.  Within a few days we started dating and by the summer I had made up my mind to stay in Missouri to go to college.

All it took was that one chance encounter to change my life forever.  Who knows where I would be at right now if I never walked out of that gym class when I did.  Most likely I would have moved back to Houston and gone a completely different direction.  Even if we would to have somehow met again years down the road we wouldn't have had our same kids we have now and who knows probably wouldn't be living in LA either.  That just boggles my mind and is enough to make me believe that destiny does exist.

Looking back I am so happy how things have turned out for us and there is not one other directions that I wish my life would have taken.  My kids and my wife mean the world to me and everything I have ever gone through in life has brought me to where I am today.  That is why there is absolutely nothing I would change if given the chance. 

Some people can't understand how we have been able to stay together for 16 straight years (17 1/2 if you count dating).  Most people can't even fathom how we did it at such a young age (me 19 and my wife 17 years old when we got married).  Even I don't understand it at times.  All I can say is we were blessed to have found each other the way we did and blessed with two great kids that crack us up to this day.  Even if that was all we had, I still would consider myself a very fortunately person.

"TRAJEDY" - A 9/11 Story

TRAJEDY

As I am standing on this vast sea of invisibility,

I am reminded of a time that has since passed me by;
A world of chaos as seen through my eyes,
With impending darkness that bleeds me inside.

Screams are still heard as I look all around,

But surprisingly so there’s no one to be found;
Buried neck up I can’t muster a sound,
Constantly wondering if I’m stuck underground.

The more I struggle the less I survive,

The horror ridden images locked in my mind;
The heat is consuming as I try hard to find,
The will to stay strong while trapped in this bind. 

Somehow I manage to break myself free,

Rising through the ashes I escape the debris;
My heart flutters as the black won’t let me be,
And it doesn’t let up until fresh air I breathe.

Even now, eleven years late,

I still fight the memories that have tempted my fate;
As I try to move on from that senseless date,
The memories still haunt me – forever awake.

11/15/12

5 Things You Don't Know About Me

Seeing as I am a person that doesn't really open up to people about my past (well in person anyhow), I thought I would dedicate this post to things you may not know about me.  Many people who read this will know me as a photographer and dad that lives in the Los Angeles area that likes to go on trips for work and fun.  But there is much more to me that I rarely tell anyone that has helped shape the person I am today.

#1- Not a black belt:  There are people that know I have taken Tang Soo Do karate and for the most part I have led them to believe I am a true black belt.  In reality I never made it that far.  I studied for several years when I was still in Houston.  I advanced through the rankings quite quickly due to my dedication to learn and quick feet/hands.  About a year into it I tore my ACL in my knee but carried on anyhow.  Before I could fully recover my family ended up moving 1000 miles north to Missouri.  I searched for a new place to continue my learning but never found one that worked so I practiced at home and studied on my own.  Officially I am not a certified blackbelt in Tong Soo Do karate but mentally I feel I got there (as I know I would have if I would have stayed in Houston).

#2- Worked as a caregiver:  I once worked with mentally challenged adults in their own homes for over a year.  I worked an average of 70 hours per week (mostly the overnight shift since I was in college).  I would arrive around 10pm or so when the clients were sleeping and make sure they got ready in the morning for their work or schooling.  I did this for 6 to 7 days a week which made our first 6 months of marriage quite crazy.  Every now and then though I would find a way to sneak my wife overnight.  I finally left when they suspended me for 2 weeks without pay because a client told someone I beat him.  After the 2 weeks they found he was lying and said I could come back- although without any compensation for the time lost.  I told them I refuse to work for a place that can send me home at anytime without pay based on an accusation so I quit on the spot.

#3- An Alter Boy and Boy Scout:  When I was younger my mom did everything she could to keep me active outside of the house.  Being a devout Catholic she took me to Sunday school every week and somehow I became an altar boy.  I can't quite remember how long I did that for but every few Sundays I would be seated near the preast and help out during service (all while dressed in a white gown).  I even helped with a few funerals and baptisms.  Boy Scouts was the other thing my mom put me through.  Although there were many times that I truly hated it, I see now that I am older how it has benefited me.  Since my dad was a deadbeat my mom took it upon herself to accompany me on the camping trips and functions.  I will always love her for that!  I was a Life Scout (almost an Eagle Scout) when I was uprooted to Missouri and never was able to finish- much like the karate thing.  However, I always consider myself an Eagle Scout because I did do all of the requirements I needed to do.

#4- Virgin until I met my wife:  I had many girlfriends growing up.  There was actually a three year period of time where I didn't go more than a week without dating someone, but during that time I never slept with any of them.  It wasn't a religious choice by any means but simply just never wanted to be THAT GUY.  I treated a girl with respect and just wanted to have fun but I never felt like any of them were the one that I could settle down with.  I even left a girls house who was literally all over me half naked.  No I never had gay tendancies... I just truly wanted to be with someone that I cared about and that didn't happen until I met my now wife.  We've been together for almost 18 years now (16 married) and I wouldn't change a thing.

#5- Stay at home dad:  After my daughter was born we were swamped trying to make ends meet.  I was going to college full time, plus interning for free at the local NBC newstation, plus working two jobs while trying to be a dad for the first time.  So when my son was born a few years later I decided something different that would ultimately change our lives for the better- I started my own internet based business.  Within 3 months I was able to quit my computer software job at the college and work from home.  As my wife went back to work I found myself being the person that raised our kids during the day.  From changing diapers to feedings and teaching them how to walk.  I pretty much have been home ever since- beit a few temp jobs here and there when times were slow.  I love being a stay at home dad although it often did make my wife jealous :)  This was truly one of my proudest times in life.

A Smart Phone Plan Costs WHAT?????

So it's been almost 2 years now that I have downgraded my smart phone to a simpler one and surprisingly I haven't really missed it.  My bill for the family has barely been around $95 per month and neither one of my kids are addicted to texting since I took it off their phone.

However, for Christmas I thought perhaps upgrading our phones back to the data plan (Even for 1 year) would be a nice gift for everyone.  So I logged into my Sprint page, checked the rates and almost hit the floor when I saw the price now.  $235 a month BEFORE TAXES just to have phones capable of having internet on them.  WHAT?????  That's more than double.... just for data!  Keep in mind this doesn't even include the new phones.

To break it down the base plan would be $170 for two phones.  To add two more phones (regardless if they are a smart phone or not) would be $30 more each.  How in the world in this day and age does this cost THAT much money.  And how in the world are people living off of food stamps and welfare walking around with this kind of phone?  Perhaps that is why they are on welfare to begin with.

After doing the math I realized this would cost me an addition $1620 for the year to do.  For $1620 I could fly round trip to Europe....TWICE!!!!  For $1620 I could buy a used third vehicle outright just for the fun of it.  For $1620 I could... well you get the point!  Bottom line in why on earth would I spend that kind of money just to be connected 24/7?  No thank you.  This is one person that will stick to his morals and keep his small, dingy, no data cell phone that's only good to make calls and be very happy that he did.