With every year that passes, I feel my intellect also growing. Of course this may not be anything new to some as people are suppose to learn from their experiences. But that is not what I am necessarily talking about. No, when I say growing I actually mean my untapped potential.
The more I begin to understand what drives me, the more separated I feel from everyone else. I really do not strive to feel this way, it is just so hard to go back once you know. Okay, now I am sure I have lost some of you (or most of you), but that is just my point.
I use to thrive on blending in with people. I could dumb down my senses to get along with anyone at any time. Of course I have always been withdrawn to some degree and have preferred to be on my own many times, but I just figured it was because I just needed to work on my personality more. So, over the years I fought with myself to be more extroverted. My sense of humor grew out of that as I tried to have people see the wit inside me. I came to realize that I also really loved the challenge of this, so much so that I started to forget WHY I was doing this in the first place.
No longer was I showing off to fit in, but suddenly I was doing it to show how different I actually was compared to everyone else. Out of that notion grew to where I am at today; a person who has found my potential to write and create beautiful things. Yet, out of that creativity I have found myself to be more and more of a recluse.
Why do I have this strange need to constantly distance myself from the rest of the population? Could this be my way of creating something unique at all times, not wanting to follow in someone else's footsteps? Perhaps. That very well could have a lot to do with this, but it can't be the only reason.
I think I am beginning to see what I can do when I simply block out the world around me. I start to crave that inspiration within so much that I have abandoned my social life all together. Of course, I haven't completely set sail from my friends, but I haven't minded being apart from them more often either.
It's true that the higher intellect a person has, the more they observe what is around them. I find myself constantly aware of my surrounding, who's in it, what is going on and how to prepare myself for almost every outcome I may face. Before, I thought this was a sort of fear of not being ready and caught off guard, which actually is most of what I feel. More so I have learned that the more I prepare myself, the smoother my emotions can be overall, allowing me to judge situations quickly and at a steady pace.
I can do wonderful things because I allow myself to think things through without throwing too much emotion into the equation. This is something I have learned that very little people can actually do. I use to judge these people for whatever reason I saw fit, but now, in some ways, I envy them for being able to turn a blind eye when I can't.
My mind is in constant motion. I have written full length books, screenplays, taught myself how to draw, photograph, repair things in need as well as manage my finances. I even have much larger aspirations that if I really put my mind to it I know I will achieve in the not too distant future. But there is one rare quality that I do possess that keeps me from going full tilt crazy. The one thing that can truly keep me grounded at all times. My family.
Whether it's a good thing or not for me, I know they come first in my life. Somehow, I have been able to steady myself to focus on them and not be so selfish with my time. But the time will soon come when both of my children are out on their own and I will have nothing to hold me back on what I want to accomplish. Now don't get that statement wrong. I do not think my children are the reason that I haven't accomplished more and I surely never regret anything about them.
Truth be told they keep my sane by helping me provide stability. I want nothing more than to pass along my knowledge onto them and have them creatively take that where ever it may lead. Hopefully they will feel they are successful at life just as I feel right now. All I am saying is, once they leave I will no longer have any excuses to give myself on why I am not pursuing passions that lay hidden inside of me.
I will never find someone in this lifetime that will ever get me to the same degree as I need them to. My wife is the closest thing I will ever have, but that is only because she has learned my behavior over the years where she knows my tendencies. And for that I am forever in love with her. But in regards to a confident who I can bounce ideas off of, that won't happen. Not because I feel I am above everyone else, but because I won't allow myself that chance.
I can't fake a relationship with someone. If I don't like a person then I simply stay away. And due to my over analytical nature, I always find differences in others that I feel I can't be around. The main fault is when I feel ignored or disrespected. Once that happens, I walk away from that individual and if they don't come up to me to explain (whether they know what they did or not) then I emotionally detach myself from that person. I just chose not to be a part of something that I don't get the same respect from.
For instance, if I offer up my time to spend with someone and I feel disregarded then I stop offering. I give people chances, but once that is broken then I am no longer engaged to hang out with that person. And why should I. If it is obvious to me that they wish not to hang out with me then what is putting myself in their face going to do? Perhaps a less intellectual person can go through the motions and just enjoy another person's company regardless of how they feel, but I can't.
My wife won me over because she sought ME out. And after over twenty years she still puts in the time to try and understand who I am. There has never been another person who has offered that same satisfaction to my voided heart and most likely there never will be.
I admit, I enjoy hanging out with others in groups. Going on trips to Vegas and overseas, watching the Superbowl, enjoying a birthday party here and there. But sometimes I wish I had those one on one conversations that I see so many others having with each other. I want to feel special too, like I am someone people WANT to hang out with. I want for others to seek me out whether for advise or simply for my company because I make them feel better. Yet time and time again, I find myself passed over on this notion for reasons I can only think have to do with my personality.
Perhaps people can read my standoffish nature. Or they feel intimidated by me in some way that they themselves do not want to feel stupid around me. I know my dry sense of humor gets excessive at times, but that is only because I am comfortable at that moment. Maybe others don't see it that way.
Either case, I know I am doomed to carry this burden. There is no way for me to fake who I am to be someone I'm not. I would never be happy with myself in that respect. Bottom line: I am happy with what I have accomplished in life, but sorely not content with it. I crave more! I will always crave more just as I always strive to be better. And for that, I will be cynical and demanding of myself as well as hold others to my standards. Even if it means that I will never know what a best friend is outside of my family.
